Why Women Stay After an Affair

Following up on my friend Debbie’s current marital affairs, since I last spoke with her she had moved out and into her mother-in-law’s home. After the air was cleared Debbie called me. She was very depressed, said she had left her home to cool off and become as rationale as possible before her and Chip talked again. Their situation led them into a series of very heated arguments. Debbie always found solace with her widowed mother-in-law. They are as close as mother and daughter … Debbie’s mother had passed away when Debbie was in her late teens.

I asked my friend, who I love so dearly, “What are you going to do Debbie? Do you want to come and stay here with me?”

“I can’t come there , Chip will ruin me if I leave him. He already called and told me to get home today … he told me I would not get in if I waited one more day. Then he had the nerve to ask me if I was going to be seeing someone while I was away! He is being totally unreasonable and is calling Laura a liar about timelines. Laura has given me proof … proof that is undeniable … emails, gift receipts, trip paraphernalia, phone records, you name it … and they date back years. I really don’t want to be with him any longer. I feel sick when I think of being with him, I actually hate him right now!” She told me.

Late in the evening, the next day Debbie called again.

“I am not leaving my home!” she said. “I have made up my mind, I am going back there right now.”

“Okay,” I answered. “Can you tell me why you’re going back there?”

“The kids want to sleep in their own beds, their toys are there … they want to play with their friends, and they miss their Dad. I have Church on Sunday … what will everyone think? I have never worked a day in my life! I have never even gotten my GED! I need Chip’s income to stay in our home and feed and cloth these kids. I will never find another man who will want me now. Chip doesn’t even want me … he just wants a maid, and a babysitter. I am just a slave to him and the kids.”

“I’ve been thinking,” she said to me, “about what my Mom always told me. My Mom always told me I would never have to work … that I would be a stay-at-home-mom and that that was a huge job in itself, and oh yes! … Mom said my husband would take care of ALL the family needs. I hope your listening to me Mom!” She yelled loud enough for it to reach half way to Heaven. “YOU WERE WRONG!”

As Debbie got ready to hang up the phone I asked her, “Why are you really going back to that marriage Debbie?”

“Ask my Mom!” She said and hung up the phone.

I often wonder when I get calls from women who are in Debbie’s situation here on the line at California Psychics, why they choose to stay in bad marriages. Why do they refuse to leave? I have come up with many reasons, but find that they could be prevented with a little foresight … and they don’t justify staying with a man who doesn’t treat you right.

What do you think ladies? Why do women stay in bad marriages? Is there any advice you can give to Debbie?

8 thoughts on “Why Women Stay After an Affair

  1. Rose Cocca

    DEBBIE no marriage is made in heaven…you have to try at it…you both to work at it …that is why i lasted fifty two years…sure we did mad at each other all time..but then we put it aside and overlook it…never hold grudges…just forgive …no marriage can be that bad if you cant make a go of it…talk to on another and find out what each of you ois doing wrong…

  2. Rose Cocca

    if a man cheats with one person is something else…if he cheats with many then is by far no good..then it time to leave..but for one woman maybe it is not so much..maybe just a fling…but deep down you have to trust him to leave the other women and you start a new life with him….if he loves you he will..if he doesnt then he not so worth it…some man are sorry they got involue with another women..but sometimes you can forgive him and start all over again…if he wants to come back…i think most of time it for sex…maybe he needs more…but if he loves he will stay put…how many men dont get enough at home but still dont go looking…

  3. eResumes4Vips

    Having an Affair doesn’t just happen…it brews like mold & yeast. I find that when one partner is insensitive to the emotional disconnect of the other, a void or vacuum is created. Hence, SOMEONE comes in to fill the that hole.

    Moreover, Partners shouldn’t blame one another for causing the affair. But here it is: Ask Yourself, how am I helping or hurting my marriage/relationship. Again, No Blame nor excuse; simply truth and real self reflection.

  4. jp

    Debbie I know the hurt, pian, anger and all the other crap that goes with a cheating husband, so you went back home alright but it is time for you to get a plain together, I’m was in the same place no job not by choise it’s my health that I can’t work, I too felt beat. but untill one day I look at him and said to my self I can’t look at you with out getting sick I went to my lawer and started to file for divorce. that is when I frond out how much deit we were in not just a little it was the OMG ! thats when I realy got sick of him, I put the divorce on hold I took over the money and it has been 14 months and I am almost their I have paid off and curnet on any thing that had my name on it, I came in with great creidt I will leave with it. but for him no way in hell I have saved money NOT IN A BANK paper trail, and I have almost enough to be where I need to be I wont pay for his afaire his creidit is so bad that well I leave it at that,BAD!!!! but with in this 14 month hes lost me the resepct of our kids , friends , family, and the girlfriend. I control the paycheck, what don’t your girlfriend want to pay for the afaire? she can have him. Debbie you don’t need a GED the kids are in school start to take your life back get a job at wal-mart, gas station, mini-marts show him that you are not afaide to move on right now he thinks you can’t leave and you are letting him know this by sitting here doing nothing. start getting out to book clubs, volunteering at the schools or some where a place were you can meet new people. when he see’s you taking your time away from him and putting it on your self and meeting new friends and learning new things. he will see you in awhole new light. but you need to put some kind of plain in to action your kids need this they need to see that you are a strong person so you got the wind knocked out of you, get up take a deep breath and fight for you’re self. another thing what are you teaching your kids? is this the kind of marrage you want for your kids? would you tell one of your kids to stay in this loveless,no affection, no Intimacy, fighting, cheating spouse just because he is a good provider?
    Darcy I wish you would linked the first part of Debbie story to this one and the link to why married men never leave. with all the comments, I think it would help alot. thanks for the update on Debbie.
    There are 4 things that you cannot recover in life:
    1) The stone….. after it’s thrown
    2) The word……after it’s said
    3) The occasion….after it’s missed
    4) The time … after it’s gone
    too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, a honest compliment
    or the smallest act of caring. All which have the potential to turn life around.

    what comes around goes around in a ten fold! when you do good in life for others good comes back to you when you hurt others that too will come back to you in all in 10 folds.

  5. jackie

    I think that any woman who gets cheated on by her husband he should have to take of everything still for the family and leave. Also I’ve been where you are but not even in a marriage and I still couldn’t leave you are just having this feeling of hopelessness and you are the only one that can get you out of this situation. Never let a man get you so down that he has you believing that your worth less than you know you are. A GED should not stop you from going forward with your life or getting out of a bad situation. And trust and believe this honey there is always some or something better. And whatever your husband won’t or don’t do you will find someone in time that will and better. Every woman deserves to be treated like the queens that we are and when you have had enough you will make a change. Oh and maybe you could try going back to school or doing something during the day that would probably help your feeling of self worth.

  6. indigodanceIndigodance

    Been there, still there and not getting any better. Yes I can relate to every thing said. Society isnt really set up for women to leave their partners and begin again. Money and security being the main problems, but also, with my issues, like many others once you become drained of energy, the logic and the focus go out the window… even more so the intuition…

    But like Debbie, this is my home, I built it up as much as husband – ok, I didnt contribute so much money wise, but in effort and unpaid dedication I gave heaps more. Now I would walk away and leave it all behind – the kids are gone, but I am tired and drained.

    But like with many unbalanced partnerships – husband has a very crule streak, so I do, even now know I would not be left alone to find peace, let alone a new love. I once said he will be the death of me – and I really do mean that, even if its not physically, hes killing me inside.

    So if Debbie ever finds the strength and clarity of mind – but for the moment I doubt that – she should just pack her bags and go. The kids may create added problems – but they are growing up in an emotional battle field like I did as a child with my own parents. As kind as she thinks she is taking them back to the home and daddy, actually she is giving them role models that are completley distasteful and disaster area waiting to happen. They too will grow up not understanding how to stand up for dignity and respect, break the cycle and let the light in.


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