Why Married Women Never Leave

Recently on our post on Why Married Men Never Leave, a few readers shot back about why married women also never leave … and continue to cheat on their husbands.

Enzo said: “How about this question of why married women never leave? Why do women act in the same way as men and yet, they have the nerve to complain about men. They are cheaters as well! It is called hypocrisy! I was a victim of a cheater, and I didn’t deserve it. Always was a good husband in all senses and father. Until I found out she did it for two years even in my house! I asked her to leave and got a divorce and custody of my child! Why didn’t she leave? Because of the money situation of course! Why  did she cheat?…”

Psychics and Bloggers … what advice can you offer about this situation?

120 thoughts on “Why Married Women Never Leave

  1. C

    Not all women stay, women do leave. However some do stay out of fear, but not for fear of the unknown, but for fear from HIS reaction to her leaving. We still live in a double standard society and women just don’t walk away. Some men are so clueless to what they are NOT bringing to the relationship. There is more to a marriage that just providing and “being there”. Spouses cheat because there has to be something in the marriage that just is not working. Neither party is blameless. That’s why it takes counseling TOGETHER if both of you want to save the marriage. But if neither of the parties no longer feels it is worth saving than by all means go through the divorce, but do not involve the children if there are children. Regardless what happens between the spouses they are still parents to the children and love them. That does not change and not respecting that will be worse on the children.

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  2. LESLIE

    This is for Joe Krupinski. You simplified something that is so true, yet complicated, in a paragraph! I have been married 3 times…I cheated. I was not getting even close to my needs being met..The third, well, it is the worst. I married impulsively…after knowing him only 2 months. I am 39 with no children. I realize now I settled. I feel that my needs are not being met in ANY capacity. What to do? I don’t want to cheat, but I feel so unappreciated…men in the grocery store appreciate me more than my husband! I am tired of trying so hard to please him when he does so little to please me. My first husband treated me like a queen but I was young and did not see things clearly. My second was gorgeous and sexy and rich..but very abusive. I stayed for financial reasons…so I concur with those out there that stay because you can’t make it alone. It is a dilema…but, the cheating for women is a much more “cerebral” situation…as you said Joe, we just don’t feel loved enough. SO, we are looking for love in all the wrong places…in too many faces…as the song goes.

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  3. Reiko

    Hello, Enzo. I’d gone through the same thing and had a bitter resentment toward my husband for a few years. It took me about 2 years to realize lots of things like a flash back about how I had been to him. I believed I was a good wife (partner) and mother (parent) like you do now. Well… we are often blind about our own selves. I can’t judge and write “What she has done to you is nasty, you don’t deserve it. It’s unfair! Leave her and move on!” I have to listen to both sides. May be your wife also has some words to say about you. We never know until then. There are always reasons for happenings and our doing. It doesn’t happen automatically. After having being separated from my husband for 14 years, I’ve become much more mature, patient and UNDERSTANDING, not just for my husband but for others as well including my children and grand children and friends.
    After all I wasn’t such a good wife as I believed. There were a lot of things I remember my husband giving me signs that he wasn’t really happy about how I was. I was so stuck with my own way/belief of being a good wife. You may be able to reflect and think back when you are more calm and rational and find yourself… that means how you have been as a husband. By the same token, you wife may also be able to realize that she has been looking another man through roses tinted glasses. We all do, I believe, fantasize someone else as ideal at some point in life. Either we are more realistic about marriage/relationship and try to stay (physically loyal but not in mind) with a same partner or jump to the ‘neighbor’s grass look greener” and hurt a family. Either we do it or we don’t do it. I can’t believe your wife stayed with you just for money… She may still love you. In any case, don’t get overpowered by victim conscious. Instead try to reflect and find out where it started to go wrong in you marriage so that you can be prepared for a next partner. I’m 60 years old, and went through tons of things in my life and met so many couples (hundreds of them including my parents!) in many countries and know no one is satisfied and happy with the same partner. They are still staying with their partners though, but unhappy. They can’t see that something is going wrong not only with their partners but themselves. Mainly because Neighbor’s grass look greener syndrome. We become so stuck with the same partners and same situations and same problems, we lose sight and objectivities. Now that I can think back and reflect, I wish I could turn the clock back so that I could do it better as a wife and mother which is too late, but at least I learned a lesson and can benefit from the lesson.
    Hope you can gain back your true self first (find out again who you really are and how you have been as a man and husband) and prepare for a next phase in your life and then move on.

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  4. judahisreal

    Funny how a girl will use her lover as the source of her “good feelings” as she is more comfortable flirting when she is romantically involved, and yet never identify the crutch she used to “feel” so brave. Married woman forget what being single is like and use their freedom as power; it makes them feel beautiful.

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  5. tilly

    well, i do need help, my boyfriend of over 5 years cheated on me in my house and in my bed. i have helped him with accomodation and went home for vacation only to find him with a woman in my bedroom naked and ready. at this time he was going through financial problems and his family was also treating him badly, i also was overwhelmed by his problem so i was kind of irritated by him. it was not nice at all. our sex live was no longer interesting as well but i hanged in there praying for this mess to finish and did not cheat but he cheated on me, what do i do? he blames all this on his cheating.

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  6. scsbds

    be/c she was bored, she was tired of being being the leader, in charge of everything all the time,
    from dinner, activity’s picking out your clothes. do i need to go on. she needs challenged. o and the big one,,conversation that does not involve what you eat today, smallville on tv. and being the boss at work,

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  7. Joe Krupinski

    Why women wander? They don’t feel genuinely loved enough. The husband thinks he’s doing enough, but he is not meeting her emotional needs. Kindness and respect. Compassion and empathy. That’s what she needs among other things. Sex must be aimed at the fulfillment of the woman, the man’s satisfaction will come from her undying gratitude.

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  8. Rose

    hi Enzo,
    trust me ….. betrayal of one’s trust is very much a part of any person who doesnt understand what he/she wants and also of any person who cant count his/her blessings. it has nothing to do with the sex of a human being……….and all those who wonder why they were disrespected should get out of it and reward themselves with what they actually deserve, absolutely nothing less!

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  9. Bill

    Why did she cheat?
    Who knows. She may have issues you really don’t need to know about. Move on brother. There are good women out there; true, honest & faithful.
    People will be who they are; it’s up to you, whom you choose to hang with…
    You did yourself and child a favor.
    Peace and fortune.
    Bill

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  10. Jo Lavender

    Men and Women stay in marriages for different reasons.

    Men are not hard-wired for fidelity. It is in their alpha male biological interest to spread their seed amongst as many females as possible. They stay because they don’t want to lose half their assets unless what they are going to is infinitely preferable to what they have.

    Women stay because they are hard-wired to maintain the status quo…in other words, have a mate that supplies food and shelter for them and their offspring, and the offspring should be by the man whom she has perceived to be her alpha male.

    In our epoch, birth control has made having children optional, so sex is separate from procreation and it’s 20-year consequences. Women can support themselves, giving them more freedom, too. More women in the workplace means that men have many more opportunities to meet, court, and bed women without being caught by the wife at home.

    In the end, it’s usually about money. A woman with few resources, such as an education, will put up with a cheating spouse in order to keep herself as well as her nestlings from the unknown (life on her own). The man will stay if he’s deeply invested in his children.

    Perhaps what we ought to do is take a long, hard look at marriage. We should be teaching our children that it is not to be taken lightly. The old Church of England marriage ceremony held the words: not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. Marriage isn’t about supplying legalized and relatively safe unlimited sex. It’s about creating a safe and comfortable home in which to raise children. Children are the VICTIMS when partners cheat and marriages break up. Children should not be ever in that position.

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  11. Margie

    Both men and women cheat and neither leave depending on various issues:
    1) the children
    2) the pets
    3) the money

    It is what it is. No one is to blame, as it takes two, plus the little in between to destroy a relationship.

    I left my husband for another man because after 16 years of little intimacy and his controlling nature, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t looking for a partner; it just happened. I then realized that this guy I left him for was a troll. I then left him as he was abusive and I would be dead today if I didn’t throw him out of my home.

    I now have a wonderful man in my life, who I would marry if he asked me, but I prefer a domestic partnership, as it works for both of us. He left his wife after 27 years of an unhappy marriage. He stayed for his children. If he didn’t leave her, he would be bankrupt and very ill. She didn’t leave as she learned that the person was a woman. Interesting? She, however, wouldn’t give him sex regularly, but had an online affair for which she was ready to leave him. When he found out about it, he had an affair 5 years later and provoked her to throw him out.

    To date, some people who don’t understand what relationships are all about, such as youth, don’t get it. He cheated, but she didn’t. She cheated first. I certainly hope that the people I’m referring to get to read this so that they realize how unfair they’ve been.

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  12. bobby aspera

    agree, women are worst cheater, women never leave because of financial status,
    women are worst users compared to men, women are more liars, they never leave
    because they can’t live alone without financial support from men.

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  13. kitty

    to lump every women and every man into one category of cheaters vs what? non cheaters, is sallow…
    there are so many variables to why humans do what they do… it is unfair to label them…
    but i will entertain for the sake of a better choice of words to describe the unfortunate situation of why couples do not stay faithful to one another…
    i will not to pretend to understand every human, but it does seem that we as creatures of this universe we are prone to healthy and destructive choices…
    there is no obvious clear reason at present many times while you are going through the situation… but it usually becomes known later if not sooner, why..
    cheaters come in many forms: we cheat with another person, we cheat with money, time, attention, providing and not providing many things… sometimes it’s subtle and other times it in your face..
    my message is we cheat in many different ways: and there always two sides to a story, or more… if you know what i mean..
    this is your story and journey it is for you to figure out your path not hers…
    peace is there for the taking
    and that is my wish for you
    peace and happiness

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  14. Terri

    I am not cheating but just want out of a marriage that went sour many years ago after I quit drinking 24 years ago. I am not afraid of change however I do worry about where I can go and the financial situation is a worry.
    I left once before so I am not immune to leaving. He begged me to come back that things would change. That was five years ago and things have not changed they never will. I want to go back to my home town but need a job and a place for me and my cats and dog. I can not leave them behind. They are my children. I think if one of us were cheating it would be a lot easier to leave, but yes Financial problems are looming always. Expecially with today’s economy. Hope you can work things out with you child and get a divorce. We all deserve better

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  15. marilynz

    Enzo,

    In addition to my earlier comments, I would like to answer your question why she didn’t leave. There are many possibilities. Here are some of why she didn’t:
    financial, fear of the unknown out there, does not want to leave your child, comfort, does not want to rock the marital boat, fear of being on her own and she could get away with it.

    To answer your question why she cheated. There are many possibilities as to why. The main reason is cheaters are often empty inside. They have a void. They will use any excuse as to why they did it. As I stated in my prior comment, “cheating is a selfish act/behavior.” They do it to fill in the emptiness/void inside.

    I’m sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel. My spouse also cheated on me. We are in process of a divorce.

    I hope you find your answers. You decide. Peace

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  16. sermin

    Hi Enzo,

    I am married and still didn’t cheat my husband even he withdrew 5 months ago and we are since separated. We are individuals even in a commitment who can only carry out his/her own value to the things. People cheat not because of us but who is continuously disappointed by him/herself. Empty restless being may run one to another by only gain as increasing the emptiness one may feel. This is the reason why I don’t seek joy or someone else yet too, integrity makes us happy not dry sex. Woman’s nature who can make baby this is why should be firm and correct to true to her nature character. Anyway corruptions and some influences for the ones to follow who has no real or strong values because of average IQ maybe… People do make mistakes but if one has plenty and don’t learn to grow up than I believe the problem is related to his/her IQ who such in the crowd but no one yet. I had so hard times to watch his excitement on another they can be cocky and impulsive easily to our emotions so had to release. We can turn all corruptions to the hand who is responsible and clean him/her from your mind-heart-body to get over all such pain you involved because of her. She sounds selfish and cheap (a woman has a child and can do such, this is not anything I can understand maybe being delusional is common in this materialistic culture but still she has a evidence-reason front of her eyes to remember to be a good person) towards to your unity and move on her asap to clean your emotions truly to create you better future.

    Best wishes..

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  17. marilynz

    My husband cheated for four years. He used so many excuses, it was hard to keep track of all of them. Our counselor was even lost with the amount of excuses. A relationship is over when one of the party involve is no longer there emotionally, mentally or even physically. I finally filed for a divorce. There is no respect, trust, happiness, kindness, caring, peace, love and commitment. Don’t kid yourself. Once they cheat, the pattern is there for a repeat. Those that get cheated on, often blame themselves. Partly, yes, not completely.. Sometimes no reason. The cheater may just want to be free.. Cheating is a selfish act. It destroys the relationship and the family.

    Enzo, do what you have to do. In the end, it is your choice. We can give you advice and suggestions but, you get to make the decision. Your future is brighter without the disrespect, distrust, betrayal, humiliation, uncaring and unloving behavior/act of your ex-partner. The love you are looking for is out there….Love’s possibilities are endless. It’s up to you!

    Peace.

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  18. Amber

    Hi Enzo,

    I have been in your situation unfortunately and have asked myself the same questions. My longtime boyfriend of more than 10 years said he had everything he wanted with me and yet, he continued a relationship with married woman [who was on husband #4] and refused to leave him for financial reasons. This woman even called me and told me about her and my boyfriend’s affair…bragging that she married men for money and athough my boyfriend is financially secure, she was proud of the fact that she was having her cake and eating it too and had no intention of giving up her husband or my boyfriend. Said she had a loving and devoted husband at home who would never cheat on her…how ironic. Just like my boyfriend had the same with me. What’s really scary is that neither my boyfriend or her seemed to care that they were hurting her husband or me. What’s even more scary than their sense of entitlement is that this married woman my boyfriend was cheating with had nothing on me…she was old, out of shape [polite way to say it], scarecrow ugly and had the personality to match…I don’t get it and what I really don’t get is why he gave his best to her, a married woman, instead of me, even after her and I both knew about each other and he refused to leave either one of us…it’s so much more complicated than that, but let me leave me you with this. My mom used to have a saying, ‘Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone’!
    Be well…you and your child deserve so much more than this!

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  19. Mary

    I beleive that the act of cheating , by either the man or woman , is caused from a lack of integrity and values . We expect that the partner we have choosen will have some sort of core values and pride , not only in us as a partner , but in themselves . Sadly , these values have been thrown to the side in the matter of infidelity . People do change , meet other people , fall out of love for whatever reason . I for one would rather face that issue head on and deal with it , than to have it compounded by the cheating and lies , and at least be able to hold my head up as far as the ex- partner and friends / kids / family is concerned .

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  20. Pete

    Hay.I agree with Enzo. After 20yrs marrage I found out that she was doing the same. I was a truck driver for 23yrs, and probably have the best record for not cheating. Well I caught her and I got kicked out. I your smart get a Solviet or Asian girl and stay a way from North Amarican women. Its not if your going to get a divorce its when. Yak-later Pete

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  21. Laura-Lee

    Enzo,

    Been where you are and it’s one of life’s painful lessons and opportunities for growth for us. Look at it as so. I believe we all create our own life and choose our own journey so we bring people and situations into our lives so that we may experience, learn and grow into who we are and who we are becoming. Does it matter why she stayed or why she cheated? I don’t believe so. It happened, its the past, it was what it was and it no longer exists – you’ve moved on. However, in moving on make sure you don’t drag the resentment and bitterness with you that most people do in maintaining the ‘victim stance’. Her infidelity had nothing to do with you – don’t take it personally. She cheated because of who she is/was and what her fears/beliefs/attitudes were – none of which had anything to do with you. Grieve and mourn the losses you feel, learn and embrace the lessons that were in this for you and continue to live the life you desire by growing into the person you are and want to be. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. Namaste.

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  22. Amy

    I had a very chaotic marriage for over 14 years. I had two stepsons and a daughter with my husband.

    After the disrespect from my eldest stepson and never getting any back up from mu husband on his behavior from the age of 18 to 21 I walked out with a duffle bag and a toothbrush, granted two weeks before I walked out I had met someone It was ” love at first sight” . So I am a wonam who left and chose happiness over chaos and am now paing the price. I am no longer involved with the other man.

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  23. neil

    enzo hard to hear but true…..such type of activity of a woman takes place only because of a male.
    most males just like you think that a woman who is called a wife and mother of kids is completly under your control now but……… you forget the place of that indvidual, she is your soul mate, your life partner, your better half ! just review your atitude with her too either you go back to her or not but remember you give respecxt,importance and space to your spouse to get the same from her.
    Best of luck

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  24. Madisson

    Hi Enzo, I totally undersatand your pain, but I also know as a wife that was practically forgotten, invisible and taken for granted, that men or women would never look elsewhere if they were 100% fulfilled emotionally and financially. Just ask yourself if you let the relationship get cold, if you forgot the romance in your marriage, if you took her for granted after you had your child…I am not saying that what she did was right, not at all, but sometimes the one that was cheated on, doesn´t realize how much fault they has as well. The cheater doesn´t necesarily stopped loving his or her partner, they just need to feel passion again, to be loved, to be able to feel sexy, desired, wanted…so when you don´t find that at home and someone out there offers it to you, is like being offered a delicious glass of cold water when you are dying of thirst.
    I truly hope that your next relationship is full of love and wonderful experiences.

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  25. Lea

    Enzo,

    I have been that woman (though I had no children). I got married in good faith. I was miserable within three years. I tried to explain to my husband which things were not working, and I tried to offer reasonable suggestions. He told me that if I just stopped reading books about relationships, I wouldn’t think about the things that weren’t working, and everything would be fine. Alternatively, he told me that if I just would get healthy on my own, I wouldn’t need things from him (like sex on a more regular basis, for example). He thought scheduling a date night was too contrived, and things should happen “spontaneously.”

    So, finally, I got extreme and had an affair. And then I told my husband about it. He said he was hurt that I would do something so damaging to our perfect marriage. I was absolutely miserable because I hurt myself by violating my own standards of behavior, and still I hadn’t gotten the point across.

    Meanwhile, it seemed like every man in the world was interested in a miserable woman. I have no idea why miserable married women are so appealing to men, but, there it is. I didn’t have sex with them, but the temptation was great.

    Finally, I fell in love with another man. I refused to have an affair, but I could no longer stay in that marriage. So I left.

    For me, leaving my marriage felt like an enormous failure. Divorce meant I would be giving up totally. The affair thing felt like a way to get a need met in brief so that maybe I could find some energy to go back and work on the problems in the marriage. It was all terrible and draining – the marriage and the affairs – and I’m glad its all over.

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  26. Alice

    she didn’t leave because she didn’t want the other man. She wanted you and was waiting for you to become
    emotionally available to her. I know I have been there, the only difference is, when I was given the opportunity to cheat, I didn’t. I waited for a lot of years..It didn’t happen, I did leave but the someone else was me. It could be economics In your words, I just don’t see it.

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  27. Amy

    Dear Enzo, I have felt your pain. My first husband had an affair after 13 years of marriage and four children. I also felt I had done nothing wrong. But I was wrong! we both spent so much time attending to our responsibilities that we forgot to feed the love we had. My first response was shock then pain followed by anger. We did get a divorce. A few years later he was killed in an accident at work, the anger was replaced with a great sense of loss. I was able to remember the love that we lost and that was what I was so angry about all that time, not the fact that he went to someone else for that love. All any of us want is to be loved, so how could I blame him for that. So before you fill you heart with anger, look in the mirror at yourself. Did you show her and tell her how much you loved and appreciated her everyday of your life or did you just forget to do that? The universe works in ways we do not understand, if I had still been with my husband at the time of his death I would have not been independant enough to survive that loss and care for our children. Accept your part in what happened and find forgiveness before you make any decisions. Come from a place of love not fear. Walk through darkness without fear to reach the light!

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  28. Theresa

    People cheat not for sex or the thrill people are human and need nurturing. Men and women cheat out of lonliness why because there is no communication in the relationship. When your significant other walks away from communication they are pushing you the other away. Yes away leaving you to feel abandoned, this brings lonliness , this is where we start to look for shelter with another. Don’t cheat your significant other on communication.

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  29. Cyn

    Some people are just polyamorous. It seems to be more accepted in men and reviled in women. The whole concept of only one sex partner for the rest of your life came to be when most people were dead by thirty, especially women who regularly died in childbirth and of it’s complications.

    I am not saying that anyone needs to tolerate a polyamorous spouse if they don’t want to, but to destroy an otherwise workable relationship is just not all that great of an idea either, especially if there are children involved. Having outside sex does not mean that spouse is not loving, caring and loyal. It means they need outside sex. Period. Sex and love often go hand in hand, but they are not the same thing. They can be separate.

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  30. Gem

    Marriage is a farce. Especially if you grew up in the 60’s the conflicting messages are crippling.
    I was married for 20+ years to a man who turned out to be a person I did not know. A chameleon who was never true to us, his family or himself. Cheating is nothing compared to deep and lasting betrayal.

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  31. michelle

    hi enzo,

    pls dont get me wrong but maybe there’s something wrong with you. our partners cheat on us if they are not satisfied. in my situation, I’ve been married for 2 years 1/2 and have one daughter. i did everything for him and always pleased him. but after a yr i got tired. then i got cold but i never cheated on him. there are times i want to coz he cheated me once and im not satisfied anymore. but i think my child, i dont want her to suffer from our mistakes. so u until now im looking for things that can make our relationship glow.. or wat u call spicy and hot..

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  32. Laura

    Hello Enzo,

    If I was you I would get my child and leave, she is not a deserving person to be a wife, and definitely not a mother. There is no excuse, if she was not happy with the relationship she should have told you, that way it would have been better for all concerned. Honesty plays a big part in any committment, and I have to agree she would not be honest because of the financial side. How dishonest is that to stay and bleed you dry, no I am so against this why do men always get the raw end of things, I have met some wonderful men who are so scared of committment, why because what women like her do to them. I am recently widowed and was married to a wonderful caring man for over 30years, we had a once in a lifetime marriage I guess, but we worked hard at it, and no matter how bad things seemed at the time we were alwys able to dicuss it with each other.

    Communication is so important in every relationship, being marriage friendship and even children.

    Don’t blame yourself, you will in time begin to trust again and I sincerely hope that you find a loving person who will be all for you and only you.

    Please do not judge all women as your wife, and as we women who have been cheated on do not judge all men.

    Life is all about living for now. and doing the best we can.

    Remember, to all those who have a wonderful marriage do not forget to tell the one you love that you love them, I am so thankful that my last words to my husband were I Love You, he was dead five hours later in a fatal truck smash

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  33. Valerie

    There is an old saying…..”Men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love.” Women rarely cheat for lack of sex. They cheat for emotional reasons. They crave intimacy, and if their partner is emotionally distant or too controlling, as in spousal abuse cases, they may seek attention outside the marriage. Of course there are women who are never happy with anyone and that is THEIR problem, not yours. If you love her, try to hold on and figure out a way to make it work. If you’re fed up, sick and tired, kick her to the curb and tell her to go live with her lover until she figures it out. Just my experienced but humble opinion.

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  34. Donna

    Enzo, do yourself and child a big favor…leave and finish your divorce. You deserve so much more than a cheating spouse (Male/Female). Cheaters are abusers.

    I have been right where you are at, you deserve more and so does your child. Believe me, you will not have to say anything and your child will see right through the other person.

    You deserve so much more than your being shown. Without loyalty, caring, kindness and love, there is not a good releationship. By the way; none of which your cheating spouse shows you, when she cheats on you.

    I just landed a 100K per year job…so I win…no more cheating husband and I have a great job, and mostly a beautiful daughter that deserves the best from me. You will not regret leaving her behind, believe me someone will be waiting to be the companion and love you are so deserving of.

    Blessings and find peace in your new path.

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  35. Concerned wife

    It’s all very well saying that a woman who cheats is bad, but does any partner instead of jsut assuming that it’s the other’s fault, really look at the whole situation? I know of a couple who’ve been married many years with grown children away now, where I’m quite sure that the wife cares very deeply for her husband, & has tried to resolve their problems, but he, as always is totally absorbed with his work, & seems to have decided that sex along with most other things besides work seems to have little interest for him these days. So she out of sheer frustration & lonliness has taken a lover, which she is very careful to keep a secret, except for a couple of friends, that she never asks to cover for her. OK so maybe she stays from a mixture of reasons, even including finance, but this situation has been basically brought about, if only in part by his behaviour, as she was definitely faithfull to him for many years, so i think there are often many reasons for unfaithfullness, not just selfish, after all, in this situation, the husband has what he wants, but despite her efforts to improve the situation, he’s not interested in trying & for an older woman to divorce often leaves her very vunerable financially!!

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  36. Darlene

    As I was told by one married woman who blamed all her problems (even her drinking) she would never leave “the best meal ticket she ever had”. Why leave a man who lets you stay at home, pays all the bills, lets you walk all over them, and lets you do whatever you please just to have a peaceful home “for the kids”?

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  37. GMan

    Thank you all for this – Enzo, I feel for you bro. You have been offered some wise words by all here and you will get through this, stronger than before. Little comfort at this time, I know 🙁

    On a side note, I have studiously watched this Forum and have felt that it has a pretty female bias in that the comments are pretty pro-female stance. Just about everytime. Men seem to be lambasted as cheaters & yet advice to similar women is often along the lines of ‘well he must have done something to deserve this’. From wher I sit – double standards.

    I’ve even wondered why Liam’s advice (good as it is), always seems to encourage the woman to indulge herself, not tell her partner). Being a man possibly in the receiving end, I obviously felt dissapointed.

    However, this one post gives me hope that this Forum can be more balanced.

    There is a reason why God/The Universe created Men AND Women – we need both to make the world tick, not just physically, but emotionally & psychologically. We are all equal and that means that we have equal positive points AND the same amount of negative points.

    Reply
  38. jona

    i agree that the reason for her not leaving on you coz of financial status, and for the children too. yes she was cheated on you for some other reason and of course the basic commodities, as a man woman desire, yes she cheat looking for fun for her satisfaction of lust. as for those matter should be discuss between you and her that thing is lack in her i hope your marriage will patch up good luck.

    Reply
  39. Tina

    Just as men would not leave..I know of a married couple..husband has a girl friend sleeps with her sleeps with his wife too..makes babies.. does not want to leave wife cos she is the mother of his child and wants the girl friend too for reasons best known to him

    Reply
  40. marsha torres

    as for me well, its really so hard for a mom to leave her kids, she may be caught in a situation wherein , she wants to leave but she cant for obvious reasons that she is not financial secure she has to stay and of course she wants her kids with her too, if u are in her position u will do the same .

    all of us are human beings subject to make mistakes and we should learn to forgive each other too bkoz one way or the other we were once wrong. we tend to pinpoint peoples mistakes when we have our own too u know come to think of that.

    if im ur wife i will also stay for a simple reason that financially im not stable i have to stay and i want to be with my kids of course even if i dont want to stay with u anymore, see…

    why dont u talk to her again one on one and patch up all this and start life anew and ask her what is the real reason why she committed adultery u have to know so u can help her with her situation maybe she did it bkoz of u also u might have done things to her that pushed her to . there are so many factors here that u have to consider .if i were u give her another chance and if it wont really work then by all mean get a divorce, im a battered wife for 21 yrs i didnt leave right away koz financially im not secure see, i cant leave my kids either koz their still young, but when my daughter was 18 and my son was 8 i did . i had my annullment for if not im a dead woman now see its a case to case basis.

    i suggest that u go to the church and ask god for guidance and go attend a couples for christ seminar. u need a pastor to talk to both of you so u can try to at least patch up things. its never too late or u can leave the house for a while and give urself a breathing space , both of u. when ur alone u can think better of what to do and what not to do, remember the kids will always suffer . my kids did.i dont want ur kids to suffer .

    well all i can offer you — well i will be here with u in prayers..i just hope all will will be well for both of you.

    learn to forgive, love one another as i have loved u.
    do good for evil, be patient.
    seek ye first the kingdom of god and all will be added unto you.

    Reply
  41. Nicol

    Id have to agree with Cheyenne. She was definitely not ready even though the idea of marriage and kids was superb in her mind. I believe there are lessons to be learnt first. I believe you cant appreciate real love till you’ve been burned. Karma is also an ugly stinger. I understand you feel angry and as if people who cheat should be punished. But the real punishment comes when the partner finds out and all goes to hell. Speaking from experience, I got my drama in the spotlight when I was 17. I thought I was madly in love with a guy I thought I would marry etc. When he went overseas I hooked up with another man on 3 occassions and eventually had sex with him carelessly. Mind you the sex was disastrous. But nevertheless it was all enough for me to realise I was not in love with my partner, nor the guy I had slept with. But with the care I had it hurt so much to see my partner suffer when I ended it. You still remember the times you had. But you know it’s a life not mean’t for you. Some people get confused and then learn years later. It took me a long time to realise that I was in Lust with this guy, not Love. And I suffered as a result. The amount of people who turn against you and treat you as garbage for something that is really a weakness. After all, thats what cheating commonly is, a weakness of two people who are confused about their life that they cant even think straight, their urge for something crazy, hormones take over (which is all temporary). This is why I cannot hate people who cheat. It’s hard to understand unless you’re in their shoes. But it’s not easy on both of you. And it’s only when a cheater is hurt true to the core that a cheater can stop hurting another. Now I am with a man for almost 4 yrs who I plan to marry and have children with. I have come across many temptations that have not succeded due to my love for my partner. And I have to thank a man who hurt me a few years ago. If it werent for him, I would not be able to appreciate my love for my partner and could easily spring onto another lover. But I was lucky enough to go through relationship hardships before settling down. Perhaps your partner did’nt.

    Reply
  42. Sandra Barone

    I watched my mother run around on my father for years.
    However, I am so happy he did not leave. I still have the very fond memories of him taking me shopping downtown on a Sunday, which was his only day off. We bought every delicacy he enjoyed in the old country. He even took me shopping for shoes and a coat.

    You can still have a loving family life, even if one is a runaround. How does he treat the children?

    Reply
  43. vicky

    its always written “right man meets wrong woman,and wrong woman meets a right man”..you cannot do anything with that if you are th victim of this dirty play…you were lucky enough to rescue ur lyf from this situation..let it go..eventually u will find this was the best thing happend to your life..woman r driven to fantasies more when they get married n keeps thinking they are getting old with the responcibilites , child and all other things..so they bound to do this things which we hardly imagine..and yeah i am talkn about good n loyal husbands..not jerks..we deserve something better and superior in life,so it happend ..let the great mornings hits your`r door now and then…keep movin and keep smiling..stay young stay happy.
    bless ya!

    jus th fren.
    vcky

    Reply
  44. Filomena

    Hi there, I know just how much it hurts when both sides of the fence seats right in front of us…men and women do cheat…but why? From my point of view, it is adventurous, riskee and also mind blowing…some people thrive on danger, the unexpected and the new experiences and they are restless…why do they have husband or wives? Simply for the reasons being respectful, and that people would cater far more for a working and loving husband and the same to a loving faithful wife with kids. But, it is the same…they make the commitment but there is always new avenues, new roads to throttle and discoveries..some women travel the world, and some men too, as an escape of reality and that is if they do have monies, but in this case being at home and shopping around sexually is far more gratifying and also far more cheaper…men conduct their sexual affairs in their new mistresses home, and women do the same…never at home because kids might arrive unexpectedly or their partners might decide to take a day off…I hope I had explain it, and I do feel sorry for it…I was brought up in a very loving and devoted love between my Mum and Dad, and it saddens me, that things like that can ever happen. Cheers, Filomena.

    Reply
  45. ravindra

    Dear , i am also sufferer of cheating by my wife. i am 50yeas old now,and married 28 years back,after my four years ofmarriege one day i caught my wif with my friend,then after years with my very closed relative then since last four years with many different differemt numerousm persons. we has fight many times ialsotried totell her the bedeffects of cheating but she diden”under stand. and keep her activity continue. although i am enough capable of. as far sex concerm I cna sex 2 or 3 timens in a day and moreover ahad sex 30to 35 minutes, and some times 1 to 1.30 houra.My wife has cheated me sciencelast 25yeas, but i can’t under stand why she cheated me .more over i am financially also sound. i woul like to clear you that divorce is not easy in india,and indian clultural.kindly guide me .

    Reply
  46. Jarvis ext. 5292Staff

    Hey Enzo,

    I understand, I have been there. As difficult as it may seem, We all have our journey. There may be a blessing in the experience that has not surfaced. A life lesson that brings good fortune can often be hidden in a bunch of emotional confusion. I am sure that good things arose from the relationship. A child is one huge example. Try not to take the pain into your soul only allow the blessings in. Process the pain, do not run from it. Your frustration will eventually lead to harmony and you will find a space for your child’s Mother again. You are correct we are all humans. There is no real difference between a Man and a Woman. Honor yourself and allow the feelings to mature.

    Reply
  47. indigodanceindigodance

    So what do you do if your stuck in the middle….

    I have friend who is having an affair (we are just mates), the woman he is with also has husband and children – so both want their cake and eat it…. eventually, all they will left with is the crumbs… As much as I care for my friend – I cant find any sympathy for him as its affecting our friendship, although I told him I would be their as a friend for him – what on earth is it doing to his marriage.

    I grew up with parents like this – life was extreamly miserable with adults never there for the kids – too much time spent covering their own tracks.

    So please dont say you stay for the kids – belive me, they wont appreciate it – one happy parent is better than two not being their for you…

    Reply
    1. Tony

      Some this is rough to hear. I am dealing with something like this.
      Went through a divorce, found out my wife was lying about things she was saying and doing to my son. It was hard to deal with. I took up counseling to get through.
      I have avoided dating for about 2yrs.

      Recently, at work, I some how managed to become attached to a woman. For months there was no signs to me that anything was there. Until recently, i just realized that this woman was in my head. All my thoughts included her. We would have lunch together everyday. We would talk for hrs with no break. She has a second job at a restaurant. She is a waitress also. I went on 3 occassions to eat and from there i felt comfortable texting and calling on the weekends. I never hit on her! One day we went to a seminar. Me her and another coworker drove together. The whole time I was with her. The place was full with other ppl so we were squeezed in. She sat right next to me. We were almost on top of each other. She leaned her head on my shoulder and hand on my lap. I did nothing to fight it. I put my hand on top of hers and my heart began pounding so hard It was like an explosion of emotions that over whelmed me. To avoid that i ran to the bathroom 4 times. I had not had any affectionate contact with a woman in a few years. Last time she grabbed my hand and told me to sit down. We will talk. This situation with my son is a little more serious than i am saying. I avoided dating! On the ride home we kept looking and staring at each other. My guard was down. I feel like a jerk. She is married! I fought it by being rude and nasty to her and pushed her away. On several occassions. I guess she noticed there was a concerted effort to stay away from her. We were alone at work and i began to walk away. She grabbed me by the hand told me she wanted to say something.
      She told me that she thinks she is in love with me. At work we are close. Small group and we are together all day. I love to laugh and have fun. I would keep the room feeling alive. It is just my nature.
      We think alike, she finishes my thoughts, she knows all my does and donts, pet peives, strengths and weaknesses. I cant lie to her. I am an open book to her and her, for the most part also. I since some dishonesty going with her. I caught her lying several times. I have not said anything.
      I have felt a connection with no one like this in my life! I feel like a peice of crap that she is married but i cant help my feelings right now.
      Our close relationship has led to better consistant performance. Inpart because of our desire just to be near each other. We take no breaks. I feel like i cannot be closr to her with out wanting more now. So I would probably have to leave my job. I love my job.
      She occasionally comes to see me at my house once in a blue moon. Things almost got physical on 3 occasions. I have fallen for her. We tell each other we love each other all the time now. We talked about being together on a more permanent basis.
      The holidays have changed. She has back tracked. Still she says she loves me and we talk all the time. Now it feels different. We have not seen each other for more than a week now. I feel like she wants to add me as just a friend now. Emotionally a cant handle it. I have started looking for another job. I have become very unstable with her because i, for the first time, have become jealous. I am doing all the wrong things. She says she understands and she cant blame me. She does not do anything to help. I am developing a little resentment because she can just role over and say the hell with him, i have my husband.
      I feel like i am losing my mind sometimes over this. I know its wrong but I can not control my feelings. In 2 and a half years there is no one else. No dating,at all. You can forget how to love. I can not control it. I feel completely LOST and terrible.
      I want to find a job before school starts again and move on and completely cut this off. But i love where i work. I feel like i am making a difference.
      I know i love her and i will want to be near her every second.
      Please be gentle if you reply. I feel like a horrible person.

  48. cheyenneCheyenne ext. 5263

    Hi Enzo,

    It’s always difficult to go through such an ordeal as feeling betrayed by a trusted mate.

    What I am seeing is a woman who discovered that she was not ready for the commitment of marriage and children like she thought she was. She discovered the part of herself that felt unfulfilled in a marriage situation and decided to explore that area, Which lead to attracting another man into her life to take on the role of the “fantasy lover.”

    The ideals she had about marriage and adulthood did not pan out the way she had envisioned. The every day duties, commitment to one person, having a child; all of these things looked a lot different in her mind than how they actually turned out. There ended up being less attention going toward her sexual and emotional desires than she anticipated.

    I do agree that she stayed because of financial security. The other “partner” she chose was not in a position to provide such things. Plus she does have a connection to her child and not wanting them to be without a mother on a regular basis.

    I hope this helps.

    Cheyenne 5263

    Reply
  49. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Enzo,
    I’m sorry you went thru that emotionally painful ordeal.

    But, to answer your question….yes….she stayed because of the financial security…..she was ” having her cake and eating it too ” as the saying goes. Many women, and men, are too afraid of the unknown , coupled with the fear of rocking the financial boat. This is especially true in our bad economy.

    She was indulging in fullfilling her fantasies and became careless to the point of doing it under the marital roof. Cheating is not confined to men…..many women cheat also.

    The reasons are usually multiple and endless in nature…..

    I wish you joy and happiness, and many blessings…..

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  50. Yvetter Kasaro

    Well their are different personalities in this world.One cheat on their spouses because,its naturally in them,just cant keep one lover,weather rich or poor.The others because of love of money and thirdly because of the way they are treated by their spouses.For married ladies i guess they feel more loved by the other man than the husband.I would advise people should understand the institution they are getting into because beauty fades with age.I suggest they should marry both,i.e beauty and personality in case beauty goes,good personality will sustain them.I guess their is no guarantee from the extra marital affair about future happiness.Ladies would rather cheat and get satisfied from both.But it takes a Christian to conquer all this temptations.Good bless.

    Reply

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