When to Move On

Shannah writes:

For the past five months I’ve been sleeping with a man off and on. It always felt like he was edging towards a relationship, but then he said we needed to back off “for now.” His brother, who is a friend, tells me that he was just using me to pass time, but things he said and did make it hard for me to believe this yet I’m not sure if I should move on and let go, or if I can expect him to come back. What do I do and believe?

Greetings, Shannah. It is true that in the world of sex and relationships there are many ways couples may develop into committed, loving teams. Society is always so eager to classify and categorize based on the whims of the moment and all for the sake of judging others. I suppose from the vantage point of many, including his own brother, this fellow is someone you shouldn’t waste much time on. And, indeed, if your own agenda is one which entails tradition and social acceptance and worry over what everyone else thinks, then I must advise you to forget the whole thing because I see that the process of being in this man’s life will only be one of hardship and sorrow.

This man is very much in lust with you. He is intrigued by your charms and rather curious as to your nature. All of this is a good foundation for a pleasant and passionate date. However you and I both know this man is nowhere near giving you a commitment. I feel the situation is very simple. You like sleeping with him. But afterward you feel guilty and worry what others think. Because you have no “commitment” and no promises, which are the things society tells a woman she better have if she is having sex with a man. Because society says if she doesn’t, then that woman is a … Well, we all know that old song and dance, don’t we.

Be honest with yourself. Forget the signs you’ve imagined. He never once told you he’d commit to you. You created evidence that he would to soothe your own conscience. When he was confronted by your desire to coax him into a relationship he wasn’t ready for, he left and he hasn’t been back.

Now just because someone isn’t ready for something today doesn’t mean they never will be, but I sense you are a person who wishes things a certain way right now. And so I must advise that it would be better to let him go. He might well come back, but you won’t be patient. Better to bid him adieu and be done with it. However, if you feel you might have a taste for something more daring, then go to him without any expectations. Allow your body to lead the way, without guilt and without regret. In that case I have a feeling something new and vibrant might be born.

Be well,


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