When He Doesn’t Call

Recently, I’ve had a number of female callers who are upset and disappointed. They’ve met someone with whom they feel a real connection. It seemed to be a mutual attraction, full of sparkling interest. Everything appeared to be going great and developing nicely, with lots of future potential. Then, all at once (and sometimes after a really great date), he doesn’t call.

Of course, the main question is – why? There didn’t seem to be any type of problem. There was no conflict or disagreement that occurred. Everything seemed to be going so well. So what happened?

Two women who asked about this said it was bewildering, because they had actually known their guys for several months before they went out with them. These weren’t unknowns. They were people they saw on a regular basis, either at work or at different places they both went. One woman said that when she didn’t hear from him after their fourth date, when they became intimate, she became truly alarmed. She texted him, with no reply. She then called, with no reply. After this, she contacted a mutual friend who told her that, yes, the guy was alive and well.

The anger and outrage don’t come first. First, there is the bewilderment and alarm. Then the outrage and anger. After this, the questioning begins.

Well, I hate to tell these women, but many times what I see in the men’s minds is… terror. Yes, absolute terror. Sometimes, the guy feels that there is absolutely no way that this relationship is going to last, and that he had just better end it himself before he lets himself in for more heartbreak. Maybe he’s never had a relationship so good, and a history of past failed ones. (Of course, I’m sure he’s done the same thing in the past to other women – leaving them before they leave him.) On some level, as odd as it sounds, he feels that he doesn’t deserve this good thing.

Consciously, of course, he misses her and feels like a real jerk. Dropping her is not a rational thing for him to do, but he feels compelled to do it anyway. And I tell callers that I see that it’s very likely they will hear from the guy again, but to be aware that the chances are very good that he will repeat the same behavior.

The second group of men seems to have a real need for an ego boost, and get this by first dating, and then getting ever-closer to women. After they feel that they have at least one foot into a relationship, they pull the plug. They have reassured themselves that they are wanted by someone they perceive as attractive. But they are not good at relationships, so once their initial need is met, they no longer need to endeavor to be in a relationship.

A third group falls into the very basic type of category – the user. This is the type of guy that we’re all familiar with, the kind you meet in a bar or at a party, who simply wants the quick sex. He doesn’t care about getting to know you in a relationship, or even knowing your name! Of course, we’re all familiar with this type of guy, so we know to be aware right away. We seldom have heartbreak and disappointment occur with this type of person, as it is fairly clear and upfront what he wants.

The most dangerous to our hearts and egos is the one who doesn’t call after we have revealed part of our true selves. Some trust has developed between the two people, or so it seems. Steps have been taken toward what seems to be a mentally honest and physically intimate relationship. All at once, brutally, this trust evaporates, and the woman feels played for a fool.

Women do seem to be able to accept this behavior by some men when it is motivated by fear. Their anger evaporates, for the most part, when they realize that an emotional problem is behind this behavior. But as I have pointed out, with real regret, even if he does return, what do they have now? Sadly, they have a broken trust between them, as well as the very real chance that this will happen again. For behavior patterns to be changed, the man will have to make a big attempt at more constructive behavior, probably with the aid of a counselor. And as for the women they have been involved with previously, is it worthwhile to open themselves to the pain again? I don’t think so… but then, many seem to feel it is worth the risk.

What do you think?

5 thoughts on “When He Doesn’t Call

  1. silverfaery333

    I seem to get the ones that are just afraid to have something good…they just don’t feel like they deserve it or they are looking for that person they feel they can trust over-night, when it really takes years to get that trust. My favorite one…I can’t date you because your a good friend of mine and I don’t date friends (watched that rule get broken a couple of times) or you deserve better then someone like me….which I reply if I wanted something/someone else I would have gone after that type of person!

    The dating field is hard to understand…maybe this is why I have been single now going on three almost four years now. I wouldn’t change anything about that either!

    Reply
  2. scorpio

    I would like to first express my appreciation for the article. It was so well written, and I agree with what was said. Now I would like to express my exasperation over the dilema of trying to figure out what is going on emotionally with the male of the species. I am seventy years old, and since the age of fourteen I have been reading articles on how to figure out just what is going on in the psyches of these fragile creatures. I have even written articles myself on the subject; pouring my sympathy, understanding, along with all of my training in both psychology and astrology into this subject matter. Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am a feminist, but more of a humanist. I love men, and I always will. I have an incredible son, have many wonderful men in my life—-but, I am also a realist. This baby stuff is getting old, and what these guys really need from their women and their psychistrists—-is, hello “GROW UP”, you should have stopped being babies around the age of two. We as women have allowed this nonsense, and we all know it. I hope this doesn’t sound jaded, but come on guys, husbands, sons, brothers, etc. Get rid of your pacifiers. We love you creatures, but youv’e milked this long enough. Your’e a tad SPOILED. The party’s over. Your’e big men now, so give it up and start like acting men, not babies. It’s actually disgusting looking at a pouting individual with a full length beard. We love you!!!

    Reply
  3. donna

    I say RUN, RUN, RUN. If he is that insensitive do you really want to try and make a relationship out of this kind of a mess?

    I personally am at the point with men, is there is not one on the planet that is good enough for me. 20 year marriage ended due to husband’s infidelity (it is wrong), and the men who are out there dating are not worth my time. So, I am not bothering, working on my spirtuality and other things and just having fun with my daughter.

    For any man to be good enough for me, he is going to have to walk on water, and a few more women need to have that attitude and stop putting up with the jerks described above. Why aim so low, when you know heart ache is all they will bring?

    Reply
  4. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi,
    Here is another scenario: many times, men do finally call back. Problem is that men do not typically respond to their emotions as quickly as women want them to. And many women expect a relationship from the start, instead of just taking it slow, and growing a relationship from first, a friendship. It blows me away, when after two or three dates, the woman has images of walking down the aisle with a man she hardly even knows yet.
    Women are always quicker to respond to anything emotional in nature…..we are ” hard-wired ” to do so because of our child-bearing abilities. Men have more of a need to analyze and ” think ” their way thru matters of the heart, whereas women just ” feel ” their way thru.

    Some men really do call back, on their timeline though, not the woman’s sense of what a timeline should be.

    But….every situation is truly unique and different……call your favorite psychic and let them help you determine whether or not the guy is worth the effort or not.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  5. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Hi Tansy-here
    Very thought provoking. I am sitting here, really thinking about this-Ok, so which one is worse, honestly?

    1) He doesn’t call, MIA-
    2) He does call but tells you he did not feel a connection, or that the earth did not move, or, that he is talking to his EX, again?

    I have talked to the many ladies who DO receive a call back or text-some of the things that they have heard are bewildering and down right insulting…Thanks for the fantastic post.
    Miss Krystal

    Reply

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