I seem to get into relationships that are unhealthy for me. I am always the one who gets the raw end of the deal and gets hurt. I don’t know why they become so cold and mean. How can I change my fate in my relations, and how can I find the true mate for me that has the same goals and needs that we both can share and fill together without drama and pressure? They are never the people I fall in love with. They change into the opposite of what I saw when I meet them and fell in love. Why do I get Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all the time? I never can have a happy, healthy, normal relationship. It’s always an extreme and bizarre change.
Kellie, thank you so much for this interesting inquiry. I will attempt to explain some important facts of sex and seduction as they relate to your question. First of all, remember that no one is ever what they seem. We human beings detest inconsistency and complication, because our survival has often depended on the isolation of predictable patterns from information gathered by our very limited perceptions. We are conditioned to want to see very simple and logical scenarios.
However, the actuality is very different. We are energy forms constantly in flux. Though we want to say a person is one thing or another and be able to reliably describe them to ourselves, the fact is that people are always in a state of change, constantly subject to contradiction and paradox. To complicate it further, we are also multidimensional beings with many selves and many layers, and just when you think you know someone, you find you are very much mistaken.
In the game of love and sex, men take great advantage of that chameleon ability, allowing the aspects of their persona that are the most sexually enticing to a potential mate to emerge first and take the forefront. You respond to the gentleman type; that’s your nature, so to entice you into sexual liaisons, the men you date start out treating you in a gentlemanly fashion. This lowers your defenses, so that you can be taken in. After mating, with the biological urge met and satisfied, you are no longer necessary. The game is complete, and on come the faucets, spraying out other, much less attractive aspects of the personality.
No longer needing to impress – and in an effort to get you to flee so he might pursue other females – his inner tool comes forth. This self is no more or less his “real” self than the former polite self. It’s simply another very valid aspect of his personality to which you react badly, and so he goes his own way, free to recreate the dance with the next maiden fair that comes along. Don’t take it personally. It’s part of the game. You can’t fault the Jaguar for being a cat, and whether you know it or not, you’re playing right along with each sexual submission.
Your true nature, the unconscious flow, moves to the mating even though on a conscious level you fear the rejection you know very well comes later. To find and keep a man you can legitimately count on, you are going to have to break this cycle and start playing the game with your eyes wide open. Quit being dazzled.
Men who are too good to be true right up front are almost always just that. Be wary of friendly fellows who come off as aggressively sweet and charming. They’re not faking it, but they are withholding certain ugly truths of character in order to get you into bed. Always keep in mind that the nicer a man is to you, the more likely it is that he is nursing a secret plan for sexual conquest, and the sweeter he is in the beginning, the faster he’s likely to turn ugly later.
Not every man follows this pattern, and not every dating scenario follows a script, but it’s apt for many, and for you in particular, because you are drawn to niceties and tend to shy away from men who have evident flaws. In other words, you disregard guys you deem imperfect from the get-go. You have to practice giving other guys a chance. More than anything, though, you need to go with the motto of “friendship first” in any future relationships. Everyone who is “dating” is playing a sexually charged ritual game. By insisting on being friends and only friends for a good long while, you get the chance to see a man with his guard down. You’ll see the polite and the not-so-polite. You can laugh and get drunk together, but you can also have arguments and reconciliations. You’ll get the chance to know the real person before you decide to invest yourself too deeply. Now, the fellow will most certainly still be trying to bed you, but he’ll have to alter his approach to suit your directive, and you’ll get to call the shots. Best of all, layering a sexual relationship over a core of real friendship makes the passion much more solid and your partner much more likely to stick around for the longer haul.
Don’t give up. I sense you’ve got some very good things ahead.
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6 thoughts on “Unhealthy Patterns in Relationships”
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Holy cow! The story of my love life! I always wondered how/why these great guys turned into such emotional and mental abusers. Of course the transition was so gradual after I was “roped in” that I was blind to it and stuck around for far too long. I was always hard on myself for allowing myself to get into those situations, and wondered why I didn’t see it in the first place. It has also been interesting to see them become ‘great guys’ again with their next victims. Ex-boyfriends fit this story, but my ex-husband is the epitomy of this. Once I became useless to him for what he wanted me to become, and he found a replacement that fit his needs, his behavior changed. He made me so miserable I wanted out of the marriage, which is what he wanted. Now he is so nice to his girlfriend, who can’t get over how he’s such a “wonderful guy”. She must think she’s invincible to the negative behavior she knows he’s capable of (because we used to be friends and I told her all the nasty stuff he said and did). Of course, I’ve known him for 12 years, she’s known him for 2. She’s also extremely useful to him where I wasn’t. I really do wish them the best, but I’m also just sitting back, waiting for something to happen where she can’t help him with his business or our daughter (as a farmhand and nanny), and see the cycle continue.
Anyways, I have re-evaluated the importance of the qualities I am looking for in a man. I’ve also been considering a guy friend as a ‘more than friends’ friend. My precognizant abilities have not gelled for myself in this area of my life yet, but that may just be because the right guy hasn’t come around yet. As for right now, I’m just working on me and my happiness, which also includes honing my psychic abilities. If or when the right guy comes along, hopefully I’ll be ready.
Thank you Liam, for unravelling this mystery for me. I feel more at peace already!
Perfectly explained, Liam and the Best advice for anyone looking for a terrific, loving and long lasting relationship! I learned these lessons and tips a few years ago and it has made all the difference in both the quality of men I now attract and in my Not giving up my ‘power’ or ‘control’ to any man. 🙂
This was written so well; every woman looking for ‘the one’ should read this first!
Coreen @ VOS
Very well said article, I enjoy your words!
Blessings and Big Hugs!
Brilliant Liam, my brother! This article should be published. Flawless.
Excellent advice, Liam…about being friends with a guy for awhile first…
I have many male friends…..they are all GREAT friends, ( not sexual friends but just a few fishing and shooting range gun club buddies)…… but knowing them just AS friends……I laugh at the thought of marrying any of them…..
I tease them about the poor women who they might marry someday….LOL……and they tease me right back.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500