Third Wheels on Dates

Earl’s Question:

I have a woman in my life that I really care about. She seems to have a passion for me. She offers her help and support wherever she can; however, she suffers from low esteem about herself. She allows distractions in her life, and although she says she recognizes them, she says that she puts up with them until she tires of them. She freely spends money on them when she could use the money on bills, mortgage, etc. It seems like she wants to either look socially available, or she is trying to buy friends. Most are male friends, and she even wants them to go out on dates with us just so they won’t feel left out. When I mention these things, she becomes a tad bent out of shape with me. I really love her – the sex is awesome – but she seems to want to give up on us when I bring these distractions to her attention or when I am upset about the situation. She wants me to start thinking like her and tolerate it if we continue the relationship. Help me if you can. I need some direction here.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Earl, and thank you for sharing this situation. I hope you understand that a lot of the behaviors your lady is exhibiting are little more than responses to your own actions. In other words, you are at the heart of many of your friend’s decisions regarding these other fellows. How you choose to react from here on out will certainly set the tone for the future of your relationship.

I agree that your lady friend is indeed just what you say: Someone with rather low self-esteem. She has a few problems with trust – more than a few – and I feel strongly that she has had some abusive encounters early on that promote a mistrust of male energy overall. It may seem ironic, then, that she chooses to surround herself with men most of the time, but in truth she has an innate need for protection that drives her to seek out male company. In other words, having lots of dudes as friends makes her feel safe – as long as they are platonic, like having a whole bunch of big brothers to look out for her. Let one go in the direction of a more romantic vibration, as you are doing, and all those trust issues come forward.

She invites third wheels on your dates, not because she feels bad about “leaving them out,” but because she feels unsafe with you. Having one of them along sets up a buffer for her in an emotional sense.You have a very forward, strong persona. You speak your mind, you are direct, and you make some very stiff observations. I think you overwhelm her. It’s different in bed, because she can meet you there on a softer level. But in simple conversation and public interaction, you try her resolve.

What this lady does with her money is her own business, and I suggest that you refrain from commentary on the matter. Your unending series of comments on things that are none of your concern make her nervous. She likes you, may even come to love you, but you are flipping up red flags all over the place with this controlling vibration. I feel that there was a spouse or a long-term partner who was very dominant with her, and this is shading her experience of your relationship. On a subconscious level, she’s testing you. She’s using the issue of the male friends to see whether you will accept her decisions and allow her to be her own person, or if you will… well, if you will behave the way you are behaving now.

If you press this much further, she’ll cut you loose. It may very well be true that her friends take advantage of her, and she gives too much. But that’s her choice. These are her mistakes to make, and you have not yet been granted a position in her life to critique them. You’re going to have to leave this alone. I know it’s difficult to see someone you care about get into trouble or feel they have to buy friendships, but if you respect her as an equal, having said your piece, you should just back off.

The Lady dictates the pace of the game: Never forget that. She sets the rules, and as gentlemen, we are obliged to give chase accordingly. This is nature at Her finest. Your lady plays a strange and cunning little game, but it is one meant to make her feel safe and respected. If you fail here, you will lose the honor of her embrace and be much the sadder for it. So get on with the task of winning the lady like a gentleman. Don’t criticize or belittle her. Don’t second guess her judgment, and only move to protect her if she asks. You may certainly express distaste if she engages herself with another suitor, but never let her see you viewing them as competition. They are her toadies, nothing more. When they come to dinner, be nice, but don’t give them too much consideration otherwise. And never give outright objection to their presence. You are the alpha male. You’re the one who has been granted access to her bed, so act like it, and don’t let yourself be daunted by your lessers.

You must be fearless in your desire for her. Write the poetry, send the roses. Start showing less opinion and more seduction. I sense that you are a romantic at heart, so let her see that heart. Find out about her controlling ex, and then take steps to be that man’s exact opposite in every possible way. A strong man is not a controlling man. It takes more strength by far to let things go. If you’re jealous, admit it only once, for the sake of showing her your admiration, and never bring it up again. Above all, adore her with everything you have. In time, she’ll relax and begin to trust. And then you will see an end to the “distractions” in her life.


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One thought on “Third Wheels on Dates

  1. velvetoversteel

    Oh my, Liam, this post went in a totally different direction than I thought is was going to be about. First, from the title and then after reading this man’s question.

    This was so eye opening and even hit home in the sense of why I probably connect and feelmuch, much more comfortible with many more male friends (as long as they are platonic) than I do around women.

    Not that I feel I was doing anything wrong, this explains a lot and makes total sense to me!

    I learned a lot about how a man should and shouldn’t react too. I had been accused of being too picky when I stopped seeing many men I’ve dated because of their reactions, comments and possessiveness. I too had a very controling, accusing, jealous and possessive ex-husband. At first I was dumping and rejecting these types of men for reasons I couldn’t explain to my friends or family, because they were in my subconscious. Then I grew and knew exactly why I didn’t want these types of men in my life. No regrets and after reading your article, Liam, I am even more confident in myself, my future and accepting how I am and why.

    I feel so on track! Thank you!
    Blessings & Many Hugs,
    Coreen @ VOS


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