The Science of Love

Back in 1975, an American psychologist, Dorothy Tennov introduced a concept that she referred to as Limerence, in her book, Love and Limerence – the Experience of Being in Love. Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person and describes the ultimate, near-obsessional form of love.

According to Tennov there are two types of Limerence. One is affectionate, such as a love for a child or pet. The other is romantic and is the primary focus of this writing. She has stated that limerence may last for weeks or months. This condition in an individual may be mutual or unrequited. The most important fact is that the state of limerence is seldom permanent and eventually moves into the second stage of of the romantic process, which is frustration. If you have not yet listened to Eckhart Tolle’s perspective on this topic, you may do so here.

This stage of the romantic process, that is, frustration, seems to be the most critical.

This is the point at which the proverbial honeymoon ends and reality begins. Instead of the relationship focusing solely on pleasing each other, now the focus slowly turns to what is missing. How this stage is handled will determine whether the relationship will grow into a stable, loving partnership, or will move to the next stage. The next stage is depression. This is often the point at which many will seek relationship or individual counseling.

Failure at this point to seek a solution to relationship problems most often brings about the final stage of the relationship, demoralization. A relationship that is permitted to reach this fourth level is most generally irretrievable.

Keep in mind that this is a simple generalization of a commonly experienced relationship process. None of this is written in stone on an individual level. There will always be exceptions. The concept presented may be used as a guide and a resource as one attempts to successfully work through relationship issues. The real work, the real challenge begins with the frustration period. This is the period prior to the building of resentments where agreements and commitments must be made. Communication is so very important at this point. Here is where fear creates denial but courage creates acceptance, resulting in understanding and negotiation, if necessary. Genuine love, not limerence can be the result.

23 thoughts on “The Science of Love

  1. Hotsauce

    I enoyed the topic on love. I believe God is Love. He is kind and patient. We should force on treating each other with that kind of thinking and action. Communication with follow through will bring strength to any relationship, I believe. If everyone is honest with themselves and willing to do the work it can workout. Love is not work? It a Joy!!

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  17. nrusingha charana ojha

    i know my girl friend happy with me.but i never happy with is my harts answer.problem a puzle,how can i solve,if i eacape how can i sucesses my is my question,

  18. Osudrania

    Basically, the word ‘Love’ in the western parlance and in eastern parlance create a different meaning. This is again due to cultural differences. A marriage between two adults is recognised as a union of two ‘Souls’ and two families in the east; as compared to western culture where the two adults meet each other, most
    of times match each other at physical and worldly requirement levels. This determines most of the inter-personal relationships in the west, if I am not wrong? That is why the “the proverbial honeymoon ends and reality starts”.

    The “Honeymoon” exhausts the “Voyeurism and Carnal
    pleasures” of the first proverbial night and takes
    them to the other realities of life’s vagaries. These are beyond the physical relationships and the ‘Real’ realities of the vagaries of the World takes its toll.

    This brings us to the other side of the ‘Love’. This Love is beyond the physical relationships and takes us to the other ‘higher’ dimension’ of the relationship in marriage where the “Love” is expressed beyond a ‘physical’ relationship and it connects the two bodies to ‘two souls and families’. This may sound a little bizarre to the western readers, but this determines the lasting relationship in the end.

    Enjoy and have a lasting relationship. God bless you all.

    Dr. O. P. Sudrania

  19. Abigail Ext 9570

    Great article Phillip! We forget once the initail attraction starts to shift the work begins. Relationships are work just like anything else. You plant a garden you must tend it, water it and sometimes you get a few bugs and you take care of that. Relationships are people gardens tend yours with loving care and watch it grow!
    Many Blessings

  20. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

    Hello Philip-Thank you for this very interesting article. The remark, “Keep in mind that this is a simple generalization of a commonly experienced relationship process. None of this is written in stone on an individual level. There will always be exceptions.” Well, I feel using this as an example, that this could be true with all theories. And in the psychic world, if one uses theory to predict, in my opinion, due the “holes” that theories “can have,” combined with karma and free will, can make a prediction based on theory, come out not to be accurate!
    A real true psychic can see beyond theory! At least that is my experience and opinion. And, now thinking even more about this, perhaps even a person who uses tools could possibly have the same experience.
    Therefore, using any type of psychic ability, tools/no tools, could possibly see beyond theory. But there is still lessons and mental growth in reading these things. And of course, many people could find how it applies to certain things in their life. No matter what, reading things like this is still very important. Many people will still make a positive connection, or learn something about themself. Anyway, there is so much in this article. Thanks so much.
    Miss Krystal

  21. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Phillip,
    Great article….I agree when you stated that many relationships that reach that 4th level are irretrievable.
    In fact, many of the therapists I read for have, over the years, told me that 9 out of 10 times, when a couple walks thru the door for relationship/marital counseling…that ” they are ten years too late”. And that the relationship is way beyond salvation. But, keep in mind, that is a generalization from people in the counseling field…there are exceptions to everything.
    Blessed Be )O(…..Gina Rose ext.9500

  22. Psychic Maryanne Ext. 9146

    Thank you for another excellent article which is right on point for all of us.
    That second stage-when we are all thinking either “He’s not as attentive as he was at the beginning of the relationship-he’s not calling as often or as determined to see me” or “She doesn’t value me as she used to-she has complaints about me now” is absolutely a dangerous point in relationships where we all need to stop and 1) Realize the “honeymoon” abolutely does not last forever and 2) that does not mean the relationship is over. It is just (hopefully) maturing.
    Take a moment to think back to the beginning of the relationship-you didn’t mind if he was an “early morning” person and preferred to get up at 4:45 a.m. and he didn’t mind that you wouldn’t think of opening an eye until 7:15 a.m. Why is it different now? Why is it frustrating to both of you? Does it really frustrate either one of you or have you both become used to each other and accepting of each others internal clocks (or sports preferences or movie preference or food preferences, etc. Here is where communication can come in to find out whether frustration over your different internal time clocks is actually felt or whether your partner is contentedly accepting the differences.
    Are there timing and speed differences showing again at this point in the relationship, as they may have when you were first starting to date? Does one of you want a different level or commitment and the other is not ready as yet or ambivalent? Once again, Phillip’s correct-communication can definitely reveal what each one of you is really thinking on the subject. Oftentimes we assume we know what the other person is feeling about a certain topic, but without communication we won’t really know.
    Great article for all of us and definitely food for thought on how to avoid problems in our relationships.
    Thanks again, Phillip,
    Ext. 9146


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