Oh, the sweet pain of aching for the one that’s just out of your reach – the married boss, the stranger you see on the train for a fleeting moment each morning – why does wanting someone who isn’t available create such a rush?
We all know that lust is a great creative energy. The ache of unrequited desire inspires poetry, painting and just about every Shakespeare play ever written. It takes over the senses, leaving us sleepless and electrified into the night. It makes us feel alive – all systems are go!
But, if desire for someone who is clearly not available is nipping at your heels, let’s take a look at the why and how to keep on living in reality while harvesting the power of your desire to create a lustier life for yourself.
It’s about you!
What are you really attracted to in your object of desire? It must be a reflection of you somehow… Is it who they really are, or is it an idealized version? Actually, it doesn’t even matter. Instead of obsessing over them, why not embrace the parts of you that are reaching out for this unattainable person?
Remember, all sexual feelings start in the mind. Is it something more that just “the bed” that is calling you? Stop and feel what it is. Is it a story of you that’s begging to be told? Is your desire someone rugged and outdoorsy? Are you deskbound and pale from the fluorescent lights? Embrace what you see in the other person. You find it attractive because it’s in you, that’s it! Your desire is your portal to see what is in you that needs attention, love, effort or acting out (and that can be fun).
Your desire comes from a healthy place. What person doesn’t want to be in an exciting relationship? Crushes can show us what we want to bring to our own romance. If your heart leaps when the sweaty bicycle messenger shows up at your office, take your lover and do something athletic. It’s okay to incorporate what you want with what you have. It’s okay to embrace the reality of your life with the drive that unattainable desire inspires.
To act or not
Desire can embolden you to do or say something that throws caution away as you fall into the world of what-ifs. What if you did come on to your boss? What if you did take the arm of the man on the train and confess your attraction? We’re not saying it’s a good idea… but, if everyone in the whole wide world played it safe, we would have no great love stories to tell. However, thinking through the consequences, even just a little bit, can help decipher whether your desire is really just a distraction from your own life or a real, genuine attraction.
There is a reason this person is out of your reach. And if you make a move, you have to be willing to confront the reason. If the person is married, are you okay with rejection? Are you okay if they say yes? Even though in our minds the obstacles might be diminished, in reality they’re messy, and ultimately painful for someone if the promise of fidelity is breached.
Myth vs. possibility
As for the person on the train… What do you have to lose? They may be your soulmate, or when you get closer, they may smell bad, or they may be uninterested – or they may be the wrong political party (gasp!). Perhaps what holds us back the most is the unwillingness to test the fantasy with reality. It’s more fun to stay in the world of the mind than to put your vulnerability on display – or to find out they may not be as attractive as you imagine them to be. It’s easier to say, “all the good ones are married” than look around to who is available, and willing, to be with you.
The mistake comes when we confuse the myth of our desire with the reality of the human experience. When fantasies become expectations, the only outcome can be disappointment. The key is to smile at your desires and enjoy your creative dreaming mind for what it is – a magical place. Take initiative when it feels sane. And whether you act or stand back, be willing to let the outcome be what it may. Your myth might just be a future waiting to happen, or a fantasy that inspires. Only you can judge.
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