I have met a great new guy and I am really looking forward to having a passionate sexual relationship with him, but in the past I have learned to use sex as a weapon. An ace in the hole, so to speak. I don’t know how to let him know how I feel without it being sexual, it is how I have learned to express myself. I want to know if I can let this new guy in, and if he will be responsive to me trying a new this new approach. We have already been dating, and have already slept together, but I want more than a superficial relationship with him. What do I do, and how do I go about letting him know that I am interested without offering myself sexually? Sex has been a way of me building walls to protect my heart and I am ready to let someone in again.
Thank you for writing in, Leslie. I sense you are a very sensual individual, highly connected to your own erotic nature and thus to Nature Herself. Kudos to you for your openness and honesty. But somehow it seems someone or something has made you feel guilty about certain aspects of your very potent female nature, and I am very concerned about you being concerned. You see, the utilization of sex as a form of self expression or a statement of emotion is a very positive and healthy thing. Your are simply the type of person whose emotions demand physical expression. This is a blessing not a curse. Many people don’t know how to express their emotions in a physical way. Perhaps your former partners just didn’t get the message your body was trying to convey.
As far as utilizing sex as a factor of control or leverage, let me assure you that everyone does it. Sex is about power, just as relationships are about control. In the realm of nature, females are the possessors of procreative essence, the final word in genetic replication. Thus, women are naturally endowed with certain charms, devices, enchantments of sensual sort, in order to promote their own survival in this very male dominated world. And sex, most certainly, is a potent portion of the female arsenal. The problem comes when sex is utilized to such a point that your own pleasure is nullified because you are using the sex act for control and voiding its pleasure principal.
In looking at your energy I don’t believe you’ve ever done that. I sense that the question you are really asking is how you can build a relationship with this man in a more conventional fashion. And I must ask you why you are so concerned about convention? There is nothing wrong with being overtly sexual, and you shouldn’t attempt to compromise the urges and desires of your own body and soul. To repress your true self in a relationship will lead to disaster. Don’t pull back or quit having sex with this man because you feel you want “more than sex.” It will only make this man believe he is being rejected, that you’ve had your fill, and he is no longer needed. Keep making love to him. Make love to your heart’s content. But begin to layer the relationship.
Your relationships become primarily sensual, because you are primarily a sensual person. If you seek to diversify the ways in which the two of you relate, then simply dive into your man’s psyche. Start asking him questions after your time in bed. Find out his favorite sport and mention you’d like to watch with him sometime maybe. Don’t push, don’t start doing his dishes or texting and calling five times a day. Just be interested in him. Men are gluttons for attention. The girl that shows sincere interest in a man’s life, without judging or controlling, is the girl who will get her fellow. I sense that this man is a good match for you so this might be a lot easier than you think. Go slow. Move with time, not in opposition to it. You’ll find this new territory not so difficult, after all.