Speak Up: Leave Your Married Lover?

Determine Your Own Value

Julie from Hartford, Connecticut asks:

I’m single and have been involved with a married man, off and on for 5 years. Some days the situation fits well with my wants and needs and what I’m capable of putting into it. Other days I feel it’s lacking and that I deserve more. I’m always the one (of course!) that breaks it off. I end up missing him horribly and within 6 months it’s game on again.

Others judge the situation and tell me to break it off for good. But it has to be my choice for my reasons. Feeling like I lose if I stay and I lose if I go.

Dear Julie!

First off, I am not really sure what your question is. Do you want me to tell you what you should do? Well, as you already stated, it has to be your choice and the problem is that you won’t make one; or to say it better that you won’t stick with one. If this has been going on for 5 years it is very clear to me that you did, in fact, settle and that you do, in fact, believe you can’t do better. Sadly, when we do this kind of dance, we also tend to believe that this must be love and that no one will ever love us like that again. And this is where you are wrong.

“If you are being played played and it feels good let the music play. If not, change the tune and find a new guy.” – Psychic Quinn ext. 5484

YOU are the one who determines your value. Not him, not your friends and not some other guy. And as long as you, or your subconscious, believe that you do not deserve to be number one, well, no one else will either. Which means that you will keep attracting more of the same.

“The only person you can change is yourself. Learn to accept others as they are or move on.” – Psychic Rivers ext. 5273

I will not bore you with the usual “Of course, he is getting the best of both worlds,” etc., because you already know that kind of stuff, even if only deep down inside. So, what I will tell you is simple. Keep going, honey! Maybe, one day you will get to the point where you may feel worthy enough for a man who makes you a priority and a relationship, which requires true intimacy and closeness. Maybe you should figure out why you deliberately choose a non-threatening and shallow relationship that requires no commitment and true openness on either part. I suspect that you have quite a bit of soul-searching to do, namely to figure out what it is you actually want. If this relationship affords you more positives than negatives, then stop dissecting it, if not, then move on. But either way, the answer lies within you, not him.


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16 thoughts on “Speak Up: Leave Your Married Lover?

  1. Julie

    I am the original author of the question that Carmen answered. I am just now coming across these responses and would like to follow up with a few words.

    I did leave the situation last year before I wrote this. Not because of some moral compass that some of you describe (judgmentallly so) or that I found my self worth. As Kim stated correctly I don’t have a self esteem issue. I will always love this man and am a firm believer that he has been part of my soul group for centuries. What we had taught me much about myself. I am grateful for the experiences, nit regretful.

    Good luck to all of those who are hurt by these relationships. I wish you all the best in love and life.

  2. Geraldine

    Hey Jessica,

    I love what you said about him filling a void and you being too emotionally unstable to resist any love that came to you….Wow that says it all for me…I believe love is perfect in whatever form or degree it comes in…Like an infant or a child helpless to reject any scrap of attention thrown my way..I pray to wake up..Love is not always perfect or pure …Sometimes it is isnt even a close imitation…I’m lost…but this is what feels natural and right…And I believe it is love….I’m effed up and I love him…

  3. Jessica

    To Geraldine….I just read your account …and OMG…I am in almost the exact position you were…amazing…with the exception that I met this man while I was married and then my husband died…We have looked at homes together and I have even traveled to look at them to set up a new life for us…Twice already his leaving has been delayed and they were real situations ….yet at the same time I am finally coming to the realization I have given up friends and a life to travel to be with him in motel rooms hidden and he is still leading his life as if I dont exist.. I just got back from a trip to see him.. I drove back home 10 hours as he wanted me to drive.. He texted me from his country club where he was with friends having fun and watching football… I lost it… I give up all my friends …I go across country to see him…hidden for sex in a sleezy motel room ….and then I leave and this life he is supposedly resumes in a party that starts at 3 in the afternoon and continues til whenever.. I am nota part of his life…albeit his wife did not and does not attend these parties…which makes it even worse…he is a cheater sooo…who else is he meeting …I know how he works his time to be with me when I am there….so who else is he doing this with.. I tried to break up with him…but he begs me to hold on…that we are almost there….we are soulmates and have a special connection…yet when we skype it is all about me being sexy and sexually inclined…I told him I hope I am more than that….otherwise there isnt much basis for a real life together.. Needless to say…I have been in this affair for 2 yrs and I did fall inlove with this man.. but I do not trust him and I cannot for the life of me understand why I continue it other than when my husband passed away he filled a void and I wasnt emotionally stable enough to resist what love came to me. Well, I need an intervention…of the God kind…I am supposed to go there this weekend for another week… I just went through such shock and trauma this last time when I came home and I dont know that it is worth it again.. I have alienated myself from most of my friends and family cause the ones that know disapprove (as would I) Geez, when you write this stuff out…makes ya feel even crazier.. I am losing the loving feeling I had for this man andany respect I had for him.. Problem is he has helped me with some things as he is a Dr and I dropped insurance because I can no longer afford it.. Well I could go on and on…just want to say thanks for this blog…I do need help detaching…I am not doing very well at it.. I am giving him until the end of this month …if I make it that far… I am not so certain I want to anymore… Idont know that I could ever trust him..

  4. Terry

    I too just recently became in involved unknowingly with a married man , If he’d had been honest like most married man who admit to being married , I would not be writing this , but I hope it can help others who fall prey to what im about to say. First off , Im one who does not care much about the dating scene. And as you will see for obvious reasons. If it looks and sounds too good , listen to your intution. Beware of the charmer who starts with the honey and sweetheart stuff , at one point i had asked him to stop with that , that he was to address me by my name. Within a six week period
    It ended as fast as it started. The texts became less as well as the calls , then came the excuses , less time spent together , to him saying im becoming more overwhelming , he realized i was onto him and then dumping me. Well he did us both a favor , But believe me he wasn’t gonna leave without me telling him what he needed to hear . If anything he was about to know and learn what some of the consequences are , to what I call his dirty little secret.

  5. Cindi

    Understand that there is an inevitable law of cause and effect in place that is inescapable whether you choose to believe it or not. Not only should your current situation be addressed but to keep this in mind in all that you do.

    Peace be with you

  6. Kim

    Somehow I get the feeling Julie isn’t lacking self esteem. Every person is a unique soul. There are human qualities of course and social right and wrongs but perhaps her married lover and herself have a true connection? Perhaps a soul agreement. The desire to do the “right” thing pressures her to question the morality or her action thus refrain from seeing him. It doesn’t feel like desperation that draws her back to him but rather a bond that they share which fulfills her.
    True there are men that play women and their wives. I am a firm believer that the person making the commitment to marry and be faithful is solely responsible for their own fidelity.
    Also I find it amusing that infidelity in marriage is ” against” Christian values but psychic and astrology websites which the bible clearly condemns is “acceptable”??? Hmmm If you are going to pick and choose which values fit your style it seems the honorable thing to do is allow other that same freedom.

  7. Truthsayer

    I am going to get a p.o. box next week and start collecting stories and info for my book
    so that I can help women on a larger scale to free themselves from these types of relationships and find peace in a relationship with God first. It makes all the difference in the world. I have a ministry I have started and one of my goals is to help women
    on a much larger scale than I already have. I have been voluntarily counseling women
    regarding ways to build themselves up in terms of career and providing emotional support
    for a few years now but I plan to do that more formally. Women put too much stock in
    relationships with men that are purely sexual, thinking they will get something more. Some do, some don’t. But when what you are getting is against moral codes is that really good anyway? The guilt people feel is not worth what the they are getting out of it and neither is the hurt to others. All of this and more will be in my book. I see the year of 2012 as a great year for women to really get the love and respect they deserve finally and I am going to do my part to see that it happens and from what I read the planets seem to be aligned for that!! Great and exciting news! God has seen me through massive hurt in ways no man ever, ever could. When we put God first all other things fall into place. I have been through hurt I wish no undeserving (of the hurt) woman to experience and hope to be an inspiration to others.

    Oh and just a follow up to something you said Michelle-some men are found out quickly, some go on undetected for years and years and it finally comes out and some are only found out after they die and their wives find the cards after they have buried their husbands. I am dying to get and read the book about what the poor woman went through but haven’t had the time to learn more and help women. It is a must read for me before finishing my book. More about all of that will also be covered in my book.

  8. Debra

    I have to say this….. years ago (before I got married) I was the “other woman” in several relationships. I thought I could do no better than that. I was pretty, smart, in my 20’s but inexperienced in relationships. I dated almost any man that asked me out, whether married or living with someone.
    I think when we go for married men, we settle. Deep inside we know we won’t ever have them. but we want them exclusively. Now that I am 20 years older than the previous paragraph and had been married for 13 years I left my husband for many reasons. I actually was the other woman in that relationship, but he left her and married me because he was unhappy. It was a unique situation for him to leave her for me, but I thought I was madly in love with him.
    I am separated from him and have been for over a year. Looking back I realize I was looking to be in a relationship and be loved . What I am trying to get at with being too wordy, I settled. I have gone through counseling since I left him and realized that I had been looking for a quest to have a stable relationship and settling for anyone who came along. I hope you look deep within yourself and realize you are worth more than a relationship that is sub par. Do you want to be “the other woman” or do you want to be in a relationship that someone can give you 100% of him because he truly loves you.

  9. Truthsayer


    I agree that it is very, very sad that anyone would engage in this, whether it is the man
    or the woman. Neither one is right. The woman who wrote in said she knew he was married. If you know the man is married then don’t get involved at all. One needs to have lines in life that they refuse to cross over. It all comes back in the end. It has become such a shame that there is such little regard for marriage. When we go back to God’s word we hold sex out for marriage. We are being fed a pack of lies and have been for years especially by the media. We need a return to a time of purity and things will change. Women need to learn to say “no” out of respect for themselves. Try it your like it. Reclaim your sexuality.

    Getting back to the male behavior, I feel very strongly that they tend to be much worse-
    more cold and calculating as I read in one book. I am very interested in the info you have about how they go about their business of cheating. I want to write books to help women and in fact have already started one specifically to help women to realize the truth
    and would love any more info to put in it that would help women get the best all around in relationships and not be “played” like was mentioned over and over. I’d love more than anything to put men out of the “cheating business” altogether but, I firmly believe that it will take, for one thing, women stopping first of all stabbing their own kind in the back. That is soooo uncool. If women worked together and refused to date married men what a difference that would make already. Think about it! And for women who don’t know-I agree that it isn’t right for the men to lie to them of course but, then again if women refused to get involved sexually before marriage a lot of this would end too. No matter what, I have absolutely no use for lying and feel the men should get whatever they have coming to them. And I would like to see a lot more of them get whatever they have coming to them soon!! Knowledge is power and one of my goals is to empower women.
    The way I feel now I would not marry a man unless I had him thoroughly investigated and
    would probably want to have him followed for at least a year. Sad to say but, that is what happens when you know what I know about what men are capable of.

    And please…don’t even get me started when it comes to religious leaders engaging in
    sexual misconduct as they are the ones we turn to for our role models and it so
    heartbreaking when they mess up so badly. The bottom line is humans all sin and fall short..but no matter what someone does, the door is always open to changing oneself around completely and that is what is so wonderful about this life. There always is that choice we have to do the right thing. Doing the right thing is the wonderful reward all in itself. I’d love to hear more about their schemes and where I can learn more about that for my book. I want to help as many women(who are serious about trying to change themselves and do the right thing) as I can and whoever wants to help me do that I welcome the help.

    Blessings to all who read this!

  10. Redbone

    Interesting! A friend and I sat down for coffee yesterday and she started spilling a juicy story to me. She met a man in a store while she was waiting in line. Her and this man Joe is what we will call him, had a few words, he asked for her number, they parted the store. Before you knew it he was texting her for the remainder of the day and night. Around 10pm she had a missed call from him so she called back and he rushed her off of the phone and stated that he would give her a call tomorrow. He asked to do lunch around where she works, so they had lunch. She saw a tattoo on his wedding finger, as well as a wedding band. WTF I said to her. Is he serious. It gets better. My friend is in the middle of a divorce because her husband was caught cheating on her so she left and filed for a divorce and has not been with anyone sexually in about six months.
    So, after having an interesting lunch and asking lots of questions, and hearing this man brag about all the good things like riches, corvette, plane, money, houses, golf carts, etc., that he has she was wondering, what is this man’s real situation. (And has four bad ass kids lol)
    It’s time to leave, she heads out the door to her car, while he’s at the register paying the bill for lunch, and hear comes this asshole running after her, smiling, saying hey are you trying to ditch me. lol. So he begins talking outside of her car, while applying some white blistex to his lips. ewww. so he then reaches in and grabs her and kisses her totally unexpected to where she didn’t even kiss his lips it was more like his lower lip slash chin lol. Anywho, then he is like give me another kiss, so she did and after they kissed….. She notices a huge fukin soar on the side of his mouth and she almost passed out. She said she ran back to work, speeding in the car, went straight to the bathroom, washed her entire mouth 4 times with antibacterial soap and began praying and hoping she didn’t just catch something from this nasty ass man.. ewww, as I was looking at her mouth lol. we were laughing really hard but trying to stay focused on the seriousness of the situation. As we are sitting at the table speaking of her gross encounter, I asked her, what is this man’s deal. IT GETS BETTER! So speaking of the Devil, he text her at that very moment lol, random! He told her, that he was a wealthy man and he thought that she was very sexy and beautiful and that he would love to have her when he can make time for her. ooooo snaps… so I got her phone and started really digging into the situation because my friend would never do the crazy things that I do all the time lol which is be crazy and look for the real deal in people no games here. So I started asking questions through text on her phone to him, and he was replying back to everything… He started saying how he wants HER to play by his rules, and to respect the Game and rules of the game, that he gets to treat her like she is his mistress in love with each other, he want’s his body kissed, called baby, caressed, passion, and to be in Control. He even offered her money like a suga daddy to buy her nice things that he would if she was his wife. WTF. He told her that he wants to take care of her financially and everything. WTF.. So crazy, so basically he asked her to be his mistress/girl-friend on the side of being married. Now that is just fucken wrong… He told her that he will call when he wants it, let her know how he wants it and what to ware and that he will bring toys and all that crap. WTF. ewwww. I told her “look, you better call this man right now the text game has gone on long enough” (because me and her where in tears from laughing so damn hard at me texting him and his replys and all that lol) So she called him and said look, are you asking me to be your whore, and he was like no my girlfriend. She told him look, if a whore is what you are looking for then your barking up the wrong tree. Im going through a divorce right now because my husband cheated on me and now you want me to be the other woman, I dont think I can do that because thats not the person I am. So she hung up on him and he text her and told her to put her hurt and pain aside, not to judge him, and to think it over because he can give her the things in life that no one else is giving her at the moment. She told him that she would think it over for a while and let him know when she has made up her mind, because by now all of our friends are egging her on to do it out of anger, frustration and pay back from what her husband had done to her. I dont really know what else I can tell my friend other than what I have already told her. She said that she would so be done to do it if only he didnt have that nasty ass bumb on his lip lol. I told her are you sure he aint got bumbs anywhere else. lol. Men and woman these days cant be trusted and are fuckin off their rockers when it comes to relationships. This new age era where everyone just sleeps with everyone is not okay. DO NOT get Married, if you are still searching or getting things from anyone outside of your marriage, or if you think that your spouse is not going to give you what you need entirely in a marriage, then just dont commit to marriage…. People start making some really bad decisions when they step out of bounds. Either play it safe, get out of the marriage because your not happy or fulfilled, or be single and mingle and see where you end up…

  11. Geraldine

    Boy, was being led to this article a life saver!!! The issue w me is that I had no idea in the beginning he was married, talk about being dumb!! I met him on line in 2010, did not like him at all, but finally agreed to meet late in the year. Looking back now I realize he never posted a pict. of himself stating he worked as a professor and didn’t want his students to know about his personal life. It was a site for large women. I kinda thought it was plausible, and let it drop. He was inappropriate with sexual references, and his hygiene was less than ok, but he was a professional, rich, and a doctor. My fantasies took off. I also found him brilliant, funny and very interesting. It didn’t hurt that he seemed nuts about me too!! Part of his oily charm. Skip to sex and it was spectacular. All bets were off. I knew for sure no one this great would cross my path again, we’re both in our late 50″s. So the adventure continued, broken dates, mysterious dissapearances, no invites to his home. Still the love-blinded eyes refused to see. Along the way he said I love you, we are going to live together, I would not have to work. LOL I wanted this more than the air I inhaled. Move to sept. 2011, finally he asks me to his home, he lives in another state, and tells me in the driveway that he is currently married to wife # 2. This after I drove 3 hours to see him!!! Well I was stunned… Then the dance of cliches, we are comfortable, she is a nice woman, she lives in another state, so it isn’t working out…I really want passion and I get that from you blah blah blah omg now I’m in love so it is a bitch to end it…Final straw, I see his family christmas pictures on facebook his brother-in -law posted and there she is, after he swore, she was not going to be there and promising to be w me in march 2012.!!! I ended it, but i don’t want to really believe it is over. Can’t describe the physical and psychic pain. He played me! But I still want him. That is the truth. I need to believe he really found me enchanting, sexy, and deserving of being a doctors wife…I need Prozac and talk therapy!!! There truly is no fool like an old fool….

  12. Michelle


    So very interesting that you mention the moral wrongness. There’s one thing I have to say about this, then I will get off my soapbox. I was probably the most verbal about right and wrong and keeping morals; therefore, I was shocked when I crossed this line (that in the past,) I would have looked down my nose on someone engaged in such disgusting behavior against God’s law. This is what I learned: Never say never, and you never know why a person could go against all of their moral fiber in a situation until you have walked a mile in their shoes. For me, there’s no excuse, and yet I did the very thing I hated. How is this possible? My eyes were opened that we don’t really understand the very vile things that go on all around us every day. Not only did I see this, I learned that there is a whole subculture of married people dating…ugh!! And, no, women do not eventually find out. This man has been doing this for over 10 years and the wife is oblivious and he tells me stories of cousins’ brothers and friends in the same boat so, it’s not all the woman’s fault as most would love to charge. If he wasn’t out looking for fresh meat, none of it would ever happen. This man talked about going to foreign countries and putting advertisements up on college campuses for women to show them around for a week. The women are so poor they do it for money, and then he said they go home and things are great with their wives!! Talks of walking steets and brothels…If it wasn’t her, it would be another because men like this don’t give a shit about their marriages, otherwise they would never plan these escapades. Do you know there are systems in place to protect men like this? Their friends are all cohorts and cover for them. Did you know that there is service where a man can hide his mistress by having her calls go into a proxy server and whenever a sports news or world news text pops up on his phone that its a signal that there is a message waiting for him from his mistress to retrieve? They even advertise all in the name of ‘protecting the wives’ feelings? There is also one service that can set up a fake business convention all equipped with a fake hotel, operator and receipts to cover the man’s escapades. So that when the wife calls, he’s exactly where he said he was going, when in fact, he’s with a woman having a weekend blast in the Caribbean on your family’s dime. So, please don’t lecture the ladies who fall in the webs of the likes of so many straying men. I am not saying it’s all men either, I am sure women do it too, but i have found men are unbelievable in how far they will go to hide their secret sex lives from their wives or girlfriends. Many times these men are not up front with their marital status either until the woman is already hooked as well. We women, who are very emotional and connect quickly, men know this, just need to become more savvy to men’s ways…and get some self esteem to do it right. Lastly, one word for these women who think “This would never happen to me”: you’d be surprised who is doing this type of behavior even when you think they are the biggest angels (even religous men) around or too high class to engage in this behavior. It seems it’s the best cover…I know three men off the top of my head just like this and I’ve already sadly lived it.

  13. Michelle

    Hi Julie,

    If I can give you an encouraging story it would be this: I also fell into the trap of being with a married lover; however, I too am married, just a little twist. First off let me say, affairs and with a married man was completely against my world view, so it’s a shocker, even to me, that it even happened. It just goes to show you, you never know something until it happens to you. I am in a miserable marriage but it recently got worse when I found out he cheated on me. A ‘friend’ of the family took advantage of this bad situation and decided to approach me when I was at my lowest knowing something was wrong. Surprisingly, when he made the proposition of “sex only” no emotions, I still love my wife-wtf!! I stupidly said, “Yes,” probably for revenge and lack of love in my life. This went on for 11 months, when I would get jealous of his time and attention to his wife (silly woman). My current new beau who is single, pursued me the whole time and said I was being abused (‘unloved’ but I didn’t see it) and he wanted to help me leave this situation because he could not understand why I thought what he was doing was ‘love’. I was blinded by my own ‘movie screen’ as I reviewed my story and believed that he would leave her one day, that he really loved me, and that he was my ‘soul mate’ when these things were furthest from the real truth! Instead, inside I felt hollow, hurt at times, longing, frustrated and confused. I came to the point, like you, of questioning, (because of my friend) why am I putting up with this? I deserve more. So, here’s what I did. I decided that both men offered me the same thing, sex without a future. One was married, not always available but closer to my age, and the other was single but much younger than I. I decided to get things straight by requiring this man to give me three answers to three questions. I told him there was another man waiting in the wings so his answers to these three questions came with a price of me leaving him and going with the other man. I told him next time we meet, he was either going to tell me: 1. You love me 2. You will leave your wife when the kids go to college to be with me and 3. You want me exclusively to yourself. If he could not say these three things to me, then I would go to the other man who promised me the same. So, he could not say the three things (I know some men can lie especially snakes willing to cheat on their wives-and they have the nerve to say they love their wives??(But you may be able to detect lies better to face to face). I was saved out if this ‘Thank God’, but if I didn’t have a sympathetic witness to tell me this was wrong and ok to leave, that there will be love later, I’d probably be so depressed right now, maybe even suicidal because I didn’t think I was worthy of ‘real love’). I found out that I am worthy of love and this man was very controlling and very manipulative to keep me, without any strings attached, taking me joyfully without any promise of return of love or a real future. These men are smart; they know how to work woman’s emotions without evoking their own!! It’s truly disgusting what these men do, to me. Take the ‘perceived love’ that you thought you got, and move forward, this man deserves none of your good love. Men like this deserve to be caught and in as much pain as they perpetrate upon their victims. They know exactly what they are doing and will string a woman along their whole life if they will let them. Is this what you want for your whole life? I sure don’t. Believe me, you do deserve love and a real one will come ( I know this hard to believe now-we women are so stupid sometimes because we just focus in the wrong place) ,you can heal, you can move on, and now I look back and can’t believe I wasted my love, talent and blessings on such ad old saggy ball man when the young one is so much greater!!!-hehe. I am separated in my marriage and I have filed for divorce so my helplessness is coming to an end, but I have learned through experience that a married man is the silly woman’s trap. We are worth more than borrowed love (which isn’t love).

  14. Truthsayer

    I have read articles from the psychic network for several years now and when
    I read one that discusses the morality of issues I feel like there is some hope for humanity.
    The answer that Julie is getting does not include any discussion of how morally wrong that “choice” is to stay involved with a married man and how many people in that married
    man’s life end up hurt when the truth finally surfaces,which it will. Take some time to read about the hurt suffered by the wives and the children. Even if this man does not have children now with his wife later on when this comes out it will be devastating to all concerned. Also realize that this man is probably seeing other women too. Why in God’s name would you want to be a party to this? I will pray that you make the right decision and find someone who will respect you and others and that you will learn to do the same.
    In the meantime, do the right thing and go to his wife, tell her the truth, apologize and ask her forgiveness and then you and she can both move on!!!

  15. Lyn

    I just read your message to Julie and I have the same situation, the only different is I have a child with him, his married for more that 20 yrs and they dont have any children, we been together for 3yrs and I kind na let him go for about 5 months now, I say that because his not here is out of the country but Im afraid that if I so him again that I might not be able to fight for my felling, I herd that his back last week or before Christmas but until now he havent show his face to my house to see his baby and that’s what really makes me so upset and thats the reason why I don’t even what to bother to be with him again. Am I doing the right things not just for me but for my baby?
    There’s also a man that I know for about 4yrs but only on chat and his on the other state, his Aquarius and im pieces, should I give him a chance, he said he accept the fact about me having children but I dont know that and I dont what to make the same mistake over again. I’m so confuse and dont know what to do. pls help me Carmen and I don’t have money to call and get some advise over the phone. Thank u so much…. Lyn


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