Lesbians: What To Do When You’re in Love with a Married Woman

Following Your Heart, Not Others’ Expectations

Some of the most heartbreaking questions I get come from ladies who are in love with other ladies who are married to men. To complicate matters further, there are children. There are relatives of the married lady who expect the lady to stay married, raise the children, have a good marriage and otherwise conform to what they feel is the “right” way to be. Two people have fallen in love with each other and have a difficult situation to work with.

I want to say that I have a real fondness for the gays and lesbians who call me. I can identify with their pain and frustration and greatly admire their very real desire to have a permanent commitment and a forever life with someone. Gays and lesbians who call always seem to me to be very perceptive, very patient and very real in their feelings. A lot of the time they just want to know how long they should wait for their feelings to be reciprocated or if indeed, they should give up and move on.

One lady (call her Susan) called this week and outlined her situation. She was in love with another lady (call her Nancy). They had been friends for some time, but it had recently developed into something more. If they did not speak every day it was a real loss felt by both of them. They shared many similar goals, dreams and each had attributes that complemented those of the other. The woman who was married felt more fulfilled, mentally and emotionally, in this relationship that she ever had in her marriage. Her husband appeared to me to be somewhat emotionally abusive, too, which certainly did not further the marital relationship in any way. Get personalized advice, contact a psychic today!

The problem was that Nancy did not feel that she had the strength (or the resources) to not only leave her husband but to reveal to her relatives that she was in love with Susan. She also felt that her husband would do his best to blacken her image with the children, as he was a very rigid individual. Nancy could only visualize a future of misery where she was shunned by her relatives, possibly friends as well as her children. She just did not know what she could do to follow her heart in a way that was not destructive to many relationships.

Susan had not spoken with Nancy for a week. They were trying to see if a separation would accomplish anything positive for them. Susan wanted to know if Nancy missed her and thought of her or was she somehow re-establishing a bond with her husband.

Well, of course Nancy thought constantly of Susan and missed her desperately. She wanted the contact with Susan, I could tell her, but was honestly trying to see if she could build a better marriage with her husband. She felt a lot of guilt because she felt she was reneging on her marriage “promise” coupled with the belief that many relationships would be ruined if she opted out of her marriage and into a relationship with Susan. She also felt guilty because she was happy when she was with Susan and did not feel she deserved to be that happy.

Life being what it is, we all end up either stepping forward to make choices or life will make those choices for us, in the end. I could see that Nancy was trying to preserve what she had and felt a very strong obligation to try to make others around her happy. Her own happiness came last on the list as she had a very strong moral code that involved not inflicting pain. She was also very unselfish and wanted the best for everyone. Her children and her family were her life.

Nancy’s husband was not an especially nice guy, according to what I saw. He was very controlling and did not consider Nancy a valuable part of his existence. Rather, he saw her just as a part of the jigsaw puzzle that made up his life, a part that he felt free to rearrange when it suited him. He was not what I saw to be a bad person, just someone who was controlling and totally unable to consider what others might want or feel, especially if he felt it detrimental to his happiness. He did not want a mate participating in a relationship – he wanted a person to fulfill all of his expectations.

We have Susan, being patient and loving. We have Nancy, who wants the best for all concerned and puts herself last. We lastly have Nancy’s husband, who wants what he wants which is pretty much what he thinks he needs.

I saw a very complex, stressful, challenging and (to me), sad situation going on here. As I told Susan, this is not a matter of who “should” do what they think is right. This is a matter of choices to be made.

So, there are two paths than can be followed. One, Nancy can pick the tougher path and elect to be with Susan, who she loves and loves her in return. With this will come a lot of heartbreak, no doubt, and broken relationships. Or, Nancy can choose to stay with her husband and try to make the best of what she has.

I am always rooting for “true love” and do my best to give true predictions if certain paths are followed. But I am always sad because either path will have hardships. The only question, really, is whether someone will follow their heart in their lives or follow the expectations of others.

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5 thoughts on “Lesbians: What To Do When You’re in Love with a Married Woman

  1. Gabriel

    That is a heartbreaking situation. I’ve always believed that one should always follow their heart no matter what but sometimes it is not that simple. My heart goes out to Susan and Nancy. May they both find happiness.

  2. gr8tful

    I am always sad to feel the pain when those in love are restricted by the “norm” as it is perceived in the world. I am inspired by your comment, Tansy.. “The only question, really, is whether someone will follow their heart in their lives or follow the expectations of others.” I recently had a similar thought that I shared with my friends…”I would rather follow my heart than to follow the expectations of others. I will not let anyone judge or dictate what makes me happy. =)” True it is not always easy…but life is truly shorter than we can imagine. I respect anyone’s decisions when given a choice. Even when it varies from my own. My situation is one of age and not gender…the world is not as kind as we would like…but then…when is it ever? Peace and blessings be with you as you find your way.

  3. -quinn ext.5484

    it is amazing how many people love to live in the drama-rama of life. thank goodness for psychics who help unravel the mysteries of why relationships are so difficult.
    after all it is in the name/game of love.

  4. Chrissi Matusevics

    I am hetero- but was in the same situation- he had an arranged marriage done for him, we decided to stay as far away from each other as we could- to give his marriage a chance, I even married and had a son, but last year I heard he had died- the pain was awful, I could not describe it in words- and I later found he’d never stopped loving me either I just hoe that in our next lives we can be together as I still love him too


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