Sex Doesn’t Measure Intimacy

In this sexually liberated age, we take for granted that acrobatics in the boudoir are an indicator of how healthy our relationships are. We use sex as a barometer. So much emphasis is placed on how, when, and how powerfully our partner provoked our orgasm(s) that we have tended to escalate that aspect to prominence to the detriment of the more traditional and time-honored benchmarks such as compatibility, self-sacrifice, responsibility, ethics, and most importantly, love which is unequivocally committed for all time.

Any human being can engage in sexual intercourse. That by itself does not connote love, affection, or even appreciation. Sex is just a human action which like many of the actions of our daily lives can be performed at will. Only an emotionally immature person equates the performance of sexual acts with the eternal permanence of love.

Of course when profound love and great sex intersect, it can be the most powerful of human experiences. Yet although you can have intense, unmitigated love without sex, you cannot have fully transcendent sex without love. A much greater pleasure can be experienced by just snuggling with your loved one in unfettered intimacy than in running the gamut of the Kama Sutra every night.

Having a partner who can “push that button” is nowhere near as significant in the long run as one who understands and empathizes with you while fully committing to your joy and well-being, as that is the definition of true love.

My 81 year-old aunt had a loving relationship with her husband which spanned six decades. She was just as much in love with him on his deathbed as she was when she first met him.

One evening, my mother (who had a couple of drinks) asked her about how she had sex with him. It turned out that not only did they only have sexual intercourse in the strictly missionary position, but that my aunt had no knowledge that any other positions were possible or desirable She didn’t even seem to know if any other ways to have sex even existed!

When my mother began to explain what oral sex was, she was so shocked she ran out of the room!

We can all learn from my elderly aunt, who in the absence of anything that we would remotely acknowledge as a “satisfactory sex life” experienced a lifelong, passionate love of the heart, rather than the fleeting gratification of the body: That is the real key to complete fulfillment in any relationship.

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