Your Partner: Can You Give Them What They Give You?
Just about every one of my clients who calls with questions about love and relationships has a laundry list of things they’re looking for in a potential partner—looks, success, intelligence, money, sexiness , kindness, generosity, loyalty, fun… the list goes on and on. But when I ask them what they’re bringing to the table, many times they are at a lost for words. Everyone knows what they want in a relationship, but many people aren’t thinking about what they have to offer to someone else. They don’t often think about what makes them attractive to someone else.
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What You Give is What You Receive
If you approach a relationship from a place of lack, neediness, boredom or lassitude, then that is exactly what you will attract. If you fail to show up for yourself and cultivate a life joy, the partner you attract is not going to be very motivated either—about their life or yours.
The key to attracting a great partner is to be the person who you want to be with—whether you’re in a relationship or not. A fun and joyful person who constantly seeks out new avenues of growth is a beacon of light that draws equally happy and adventurous people, whether they be friends or soulmates.
Try This Activity
So let’s get back to that list of qualities most of my callers look for in a potential mate. Would you add anything to it or take some traits away? Here’s a good activity to try:
1. Make a list of all the qualities you look for in a potential mate.
2. Next to each of those qualities, write about how you fulfill each of them for yourself. For example, let’s say you want a mate who is physically fit. You can write that you go to the gym five days a week to keep yourself physically fit too. Here’s another example: Let’s say you want a mate who has an advanced degree. Next to this trait, you would put that you graduated from college, medical school, law school, etc.
You don’t have to find a mate whose traits are a perfect match to your own in order to be happy. But, it can be unrealistic to expect to attract a mate who will provide something for you that you are completely unable or unwilling to provide for yourself. There is an exception to this rule, however. The exception is that you and your mate could agree to fill in where the other lacks. For example, you may not be as financially stable as your potential mate and they could be okay with sharing more of the financial burden of your household. Or your mate may not be as physically fit as you, but you could agree to exercise with them or just love their body the way it is.
Make Yourself Attractive to a Mate
To make yourself more attractive to a potential mate, cultivate within yourself the qualities you seek. Be an interesting and fulfilled person. Create a satisfying life for yourself, whether or not you’re currently sharing it with someone else.
People often treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated. If you show up for yourself, you’re teaching someone else how to show up for you. Fulfill your promises to yourself, and someone will keep their promises to you. If you do these things, you will attract people who match your energy and commitment. This is exactly how to create the type of relationship you desire!