Making up should be one of the best parts about a disagreement, but if the relationship is on shaky ground, perhaps a break up is more in order. While it would be great if someone could tell you what to do, this is a decision that only you can make, based on your current feelings, previous experiences, and an open discussion with your partner.
Face the Facts
The decision to make up or break up should never be made in a pinch. When emotions run hot, our ability to make a rational decision is often impaired. After you have had some time to cool down, here are a few questions you’ll need to answer for yourself.
Do I Love My Partner?
There is probably some love there, but what this question is really asking is do you still want to be with them?
Am I unfulfilled in this relationship, or just in a rut?
Ask yourself if there are any real deal breakers being bent (are your feelings justified), or if you are just being too picky. 41 percent of couples will end a relationship just because it’s in a rut.
Does My Partner Make Me Happy 80 Percent of the Time?
Research shows we can be completely happy with 80 percent of our needs met. Maybe it’s time to let a few of those issues go.
What has my partner done to bring me to this point? Can I forgive them (these may include the big four: abuse, cheating, addiction, and lying)?
If your partner has broken your trust, do they appear sorry, and can you honestly forgive them?
While you may feel that this decision rests heavily on your own shoulders, the next step of this process is to confront your partner and see where they stand. There are only a couple times when a decision to leave a relationship should be made without first discussing it with your partner. Two of the biggest reasons are if there is abuse or serious addiction.
How to Approach Your Partner
When approaching a partner with a decision to either move forward together or separate, pick a time when both of you have a window of several hours to talk without interruption. These are the key questions you’ll need to both answer.
1. What is our view of a future together?
Open the channels of communication by explaining how you see your partnership playing out in the future. Nearly 50 percent of non-married relationships end due to conflicting viewpoints.
2. What are the biggest problems in the relationship?
Open the discussion to issues on both sides. Relationship difficulties are rarely one sided. Your partner’s reaction to their problems with the relationship could very well be the cause of yours.
3. Can things be fixed? Do we want to fix them?
This is the opportunity to see how your partner deals with a problematic situation. Partners who run the other way at the first sign of trouble often do the same when married.
4. What are we willing to do to make things better?
Here’s where compromise kicks in. Open your minds and hearts, and work to determine the best way to improve things. Through rebuilding, many couples can become stronger than ever.
Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What You Should Do Today
If you are putting off an inevitable breakup due to fear of pain and the unknown, research suggests the initial bark of a breakup is much worse than its actual bite. According to a study from the Northwestern University in Illinois, lovers most always predict a breakup will be more painful and long lasting than they actually are. In fact, many researchers say most people have built in coping mechanisms to get through a breakup that they might not even know about. Such mechanisms often include talking to loved ones and friends and focusing on the positive aspects of life.
If you’re putting off an inevitable makeup due to stubbornness, what are you waiting for…? Let the reconciliation begin!