I love your column. The way you present people as primeval energy beings rather than boxed stereotypes is refreshing and enlightening. I’m in an 18-year relationship that was always mismatched sexually (his libido is lower than mine). He’s a critical Virgo (I’m Cancer) with a tendency to control, and I feel he has regulated our sexual contact (it’s usually always on his terms) as another way to exercise control. His libido has dwindled recently while I’ve become more sexually demanding and less subtle about voicing my frustration. I suppose not surprisingly, he now reports no libido at all, and sex happens less than once monthly, although there are lots of hugs, nightly cuddles and I have a wonderful little pink machine. I feel like life is passing me by, and I’m drying up, and although we still share some deep bond, this makes me feel more trapped rather than comforted. Can you shed some light on how I can either fix or leave this situation? Thank you.
Shelly, thank you so much for all your kind words. Coming from a fellow Cancerian, they mean a great deal indeed. As for the situation you present, I have to say this is no way for you to live, catering to the emotional whims of an insecure mate. You already know this, of course, but like all good Cancer girls you desire counsel before you act. So let me say that I sense a few things that might be of assistance.
First, I love your acknowledgment of the realities of your situation. You have an excellent grasp of the power plays and control issues involved in your relationship, and you get a gold star for wise observation. Very often, people prefer to have their sex sugar-coated, their love sanitized, and their lives easy. Not you, though. You seek the novel and find yourself caught between two very ingrained paradigms. On one hand, you crave raw sex: This is simply part of your nature. On the other hand, you really do have a fondness for this Virgo. I daresay you even love the fellow. You are very correct when you say that his libido is much lower than yours, and you already know that is a huge mistake. You cannot build a person’s libido if it’s naturally low, just as you cannot create passion where it does not exist.
All romantic relationships are about power and control on some level. Not the ego-driven control of corporate or media worlds, or the usual identity-building control of most social encounters, but a power struggle of a much more primal sort where beings come together, each struggling to subdue the other. One dominates, one submits, the roles change, the dance continues: a savage play of chaos and emotion. Your lover attempts to control intimacy because the pleasure you give him erases his ego, forcing him into a position submissive to your female empowerment. He trembles before the womb of the Great Mother. Instead of becoming a man, embracing submission, then finding dominance and making the Mother his Consort, he becomes a child playing silly games in his struggle to solidify his Self. Then he punishes you for the pleasure you give and the woman you are.
I know you’ve invested many years here, and I know he is dear to you. But for a daughter of the Moon to be relegated to finding joy in a pink toy and a few cuddles is blasphemy. Stop getting hung up on the time factor. It is of no consequence. You’ve had many years of experience with this man, and that alone is the meaning of the trip. The final destination is the same for each of us, after all. Now, it’s time for you to find new chapters to write. Keep him as a pal. Even keep cuddling. But for whatever childish reason, he doesn’t want sex, and we must respect his wishes. Too bad for him. Liberate yourself.
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