The Worst Love Advice and What to Do Instead
I had to think carefully before I wrote this blog, because I’d had a feeling from the guides to do it for a while—but it’s a sensitive subject for me. Why? Because I have been guilty of taking some of the worst pieces of love advice, and a big part of me doesn’t like admitting I was wrong to do it.
We ladies have a lot of love and romance advice thrown at us. From the time we’re babies, well-meaning moms, aunts, grandmas, sisters, friends and professionals tell us what we should expect love to be like. They give us council on how to handle everything from the first glance to the first date to the first fight. The problem is that there are a lot of problems with much of what we are told.
Here are some of the biggest and worst love myths women are told and what we ought to do instead:
Myth 1: If you want him to pursue you, you should play hard to get!
How it’s Supposed to Work: Men are evolutionarily programmed to hunt! Just like any other hunter, they will chase what runs from them. A woman who seems too available or too eager will not be as valuable to him.
How it Really Works: Reality check, ladies! Hunters don’t form lasting relationships with their prey. Yes, he may enjoy the challenge of catching you, but if you make him work hard to get you, he will stop working hard as soon as he knows he has you. Why? Because if he’s only in it for the challenge, not the women, he won’t really care about losing you. He will be on to the next challenge and you will be left wondering what you did wrong.
What to Do Instead: In almost every relationship that I read on, the angels will advise a 1:1 ratio of pursuit. If he calls once, call him back. Then it’s his turn. If you text once, wait for a reply, then you text again. Why do it this way? Because to the alpha male who likes to chase, this makes you a confident alpha woman who is a potential partner, not a potential conquest. To a less confidant man, this lets him know you’re interested without you seeming clingy.
Myth 2: Breakups can fix your relationship!
How it’s Supposed to Work: If your man isn’t behaving himself, if he isn’t paying attention, if he has stopped prioritizing you, then all he needs is a reminder of what its like to be without you. Break up with him! Make him chase you and earn your love back!
How it Really Works: It doesn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this, in my own life as well as in others’. Sadly, 99% of the time, this kind of breakup winds up being permanent, not temporary. Men read this as a sincere breakup and rejection—not an attempt to improve your relationship. And honestly, how can we blame them? This is not only an example of bad miscommunication, but it’s also extremely manipulative and toxic. How can we expect them to take us seriously if we want the opposite of what we are doing?
What to Do Instead: If you’re in a relationship that’s going south, that’s an excellent time to reassess both your needs and your mutual relationship goals. Has he changed? Have you changed? What is it that you need that he’s not providing? Answering these questions will allow you to get the bottom of the issue and start building a better relationship, block by block.
Myth 3: If he says he doesn’t want a commitment, just be patient and he’ll come around!
How it’s Supposed to Work: The idea here is that all men are scared of being hurt, just like all of us ladies. It’s more socially acceptable for them to say that they don’t want a commitment than to admit emotional vulnerability.
How it Really Works: Him saying he doesn’t want a commitment is usually more like you saying you don’t want to have sex. He means it. He isn’t joking. It may be because he’s scared of getting hurt, yes. Or it may be because he is dating around and enjoying it. Or maybe he doesn’t feel financially ready for a real relationship. The possibilities are endless. But the bottom line is that when he says up front he doesn’t want a commitment, and you choose to stay around, he assumes you are okay with that. He’s likely to be angry, or even very hurt, when you tell him later on you were only sticking with him hoping that he would want a relationship with you. Why? Because many men are actually very afraid that women only want commitment in general, not them specifically.
What to Do Instead: If you are looking for a commitment, and he isn’t, move on. Let him know respectfully where you stand. If you like him, let him know that the door is always open if he’s ready to commit. Then move forward with your life. Sometimes just your honesty will be enough to make him see that you are a treasure worth committing to. Other times, you will be sparing yourself a lot of heartache. But never, ever stick around for someone who tells you point blank there is nothing to wait for. You and they both deserve better.
The Bottom Line: Honesty, integrity, and openhearted compassion will always bring us happier relationships than manipulation and insecurity. Every love relationship is different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Always check with your own heart and your spiritual guides to see what you should do before following any love advice.