How to Have Friends With Benefits

Know the Pitfalls and the Rewards

There are many strong relationships out there that can develop from an easy connection that takes into consideration the sexual feelings and needs of each person. Where we run into trouble is when one or the other of you has an unspoken agenda, or expectation. If you are clear and honest and able to be true friends and be sexually involved, this is a great way to get to know each other better, if you are meant to fall more deeply in love, it will happen. You cannot go into a “FWB” relationship wanting it to be a committed, monogamous, relationship, nor can you be dishonest when your partner asks, “are you okay with remaining JUST friends?”

There are psychological factors when two people connect, the more intimate they are the more your subconscious mind starts to play into the mix. For many women the minute we have actual physical coitus, we begin to start mentally building a nest with the man we made love with. Men do not have this reaction. Women approach love and relationships from a different angle. Also, you cannot simply “decide” to override your natural tendencies! There is a saying that women fall in love, and then become more attracted to a man, whereas Men become attracted to a woman, and then they fall in love. For men to explore the relationship it is sometimes easier if you are “friends.” Many great relationships start out as a friendship, and develop into a loving relationship.

It’s important to be clear before you get involved sexually. Are you okay with just being friends, if you are not… don’t! Doing something that is uncomfortable for you in order to tempt someone into your life is manipulation, and if it doesn’t make that person feel what you want them to, you will be the one that is resentful and angry. So please note that “to thyne own self be true” are not just words Shakespeare wrote! You cannot build a long term relationship on lies. Be honest, be real, and if you are drawn to each other then it will be a firm and true connection, not something that keeps you up at night wondering if it will last.

So I encourage you to explore your own feelings about how freely you can experience your own sexuality inside a new connection that is not a committed relationship. What feels acceptable to you? Be honest, you never know when that person is just waiting to find someone just like you! Be safe, and practice safe sexual practices, because there is NO birth control that is 100%, and a pregnancy may not move you closer to each other. There are also many classes, and information pamphlets, books, and online sites about sexual practices that can keep you safe from STDs as well. So be informed, be clear about your boundaries, and explore without having unrealistic expectations and you could be setting the foundation for a wonderful and long-term partnership!

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4 thoughts on “How to Have Friends With Benefits

  1. Nata

    Honestly, its better you coslunt a specialist. I really want to help but I don’t think I can give better answers than specialist do. Sorry.good luckLove is omnipresence, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

  2. Karen Atkinson Garrison

    I’ve had sexual relationships that were clearly not exclusive or love relationships and some did get to be much deeper, later on.
    I was at one time, what they now call polyamorous.But I can’t completely agree that sexual relationships can be *just* friends.
    I agree with the author that that many men do not feel inclined to build a relationship, just because they’ve slept with a woman, and that many women *do* feel more connected and want a deeper relationship once sex happens.
    But in reality *both* people usually feel something more when sex happens.

    This is not an excuse to go against the suggestion to be very honest if you enter into a “fwb” relationship.
    I agree with that 100%!
    Saying we are OK with being only friends and having sex, when what we really want with the person is a serious relationship *is* manipulative and will end in disappointment for both parties.

    I know it doesn’t seem manipulative to the one who does this–and I know, because years ago, I once did this myself!

    What it really was was a desparate attempt to have the lover I wanted on any terms, somehow hoping we would build something anyway.
    I did keep myself in his life, but not at all as I wanted and not at all in a way comfortable for me.
    So, I can say from personal experience, that not only doesn’t it work, it causes both people pain, frustration confusion and anger.

    What I’m talking about however, is that most sexual liaisons I have had, while not committed, were still *different* than relationships with pals and close friends.
    I find it annoying, really when someone refers to someone they “fool around with” as “just a friend” when imo they are *not* just friends–they’re having a sexual relationship that isn’t exclusive, or serious.

    Some of my sexual relationships were more romantic and exciting. Some were fun and lasted until we both moved on due to age, proximityetc. Or we just plain drifted apart.
    Some ended when one of us met someone special or committed to another person.
    But I would still call them romantic and sexual relationships not “friends”.


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