He’s Better in Your Mind

Is He Really All That and a Slice of Cake?

The mind is a funny thing. It is a contributing factor for why clouds sometimes appear like galloping horses, or a dancing pencil wearing a tutu (okay, so maybe that’s just my own mind). It is the reason why some of us fear a dark basement or baring our legs to the lurking crevasse underneath our bed after watching a horror film. It is also the reason why a glass may appear half full, even though someone is clearly still drinking out of it, and why some men look like angels, even though their halo has been pieced together from old wood shavings from the notches they’ve made on their bedpost over the years. If you feel like you are constantly picking the wrong guy, perhaps it’s time to consider the fact that a good man is nothing more than your mind playing tricks on you.

The Illusion of a Good Man

Put your flame throwers down, guys. I’m not trying to say that there aren’t any good guys out there, but simply that any man has the potential to be wonderful in the mind of the woman who loves him. There are a number of psychological reasons for this. One, we think positively toward anything that we think we really want. It could be a flaming ball of monkey excrement, and if we have decided that is something of value, we will have nothing bad to say about it. Two, positive thinking is also driven by our need to make good choices that we can be proud of. If one of our friends shows us a glittering disco ball and and says that hers is more fun and better smelling, we will still stand behind our flame-fueled excrement, simply because it makes us feel good about ourselves.

The third reason why women fall in love with a bad guy, is because she is programmed to feel less pain while in love. In other words, she can take more heartbreak. This theory was put to the test when fifteen undergraduates (committed in a new relationship) volunteered to be subjected to moderate pain while looking at various photos. Using imaging of the brain, it became clear that while viewing those we are romantically involved with, it minimized the sensation of pain by stimulating the reward section of the brain. And finally, women give men the benefit of the doubt because of a biological blip that has kept our species in the baby-making business for centuries.

In other words, researchers theorize that when falling in love, the brain shuts down the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking), in favor of investing in the relationship, which may, or may not be such a rational idea (cheating, marital affair, etc.). If we weren’t able to splash a little rose coloring on some of our faults and disappointments as a couple, we’d never stay together long enough to pop the champagne cork, or play a little of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” on the MP3 player.

However, there are a number of ways to jump into a new relationship without handing over your life jacket.

Shed the Blinders: Steps to Minimize Falling for the Wrong Guy

Step One: The first step is to drop your inclination to stand behind your choice, and at least consider the impression of those around you. Just because your mom doesn’t like him doesn’t mean he isn’t necessarily a gem. However, if your entire family tree, including a few shrubs (friends) cast along its side is pointing out red flags, it might be wise to consider them. Wondering where all the fun has gone in your relationship? Get it back with the help of Psychic Skylar ext. 9887.

Step Two: Keep a journal of your relationship. Pay attention to both the good and bad moments, and express your feelings honestly. The reason this works is when in love, we tend to pass off inexcusable behavior as a fluke. It is all too easy to ignore an emotional attack on our character, after receiving a bouquet of flowers, and a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” By creating your own love story in writing, it is easier to step back and view the whole picture, and make an informed decision about its potential.

Step Three: Pace your relationships, using psychologist, John Van Epp’s, five points of relationship escalation. He contends that there are five things in every relationship, which must be on (reasonably) equal ground, and traveling in the same direction. These points include understanding, trust, reliance, commitment, and physical intimacy. In other words, as a couple, you should never offer more trust, unless you are also getting to know each other better (understanding), you should have an increased sense of reliance and commitment, and have experienced a new awakening of intimacy (sex). So long as none of these points exceed another by a significant margin, you will avoid compromising your judgment for the sake of following your heart! Feeling rejected by your partner? Psychic Hern ext. 5239 can tell you what’s going on. 

36 thoughts on “He’s Better in Your Mind

  1. Stuck for now!

    The old saying goes: If It Seems To Good To Be True, It Usually Is!!
    I should have taken that advice, never again, when I get out of this, I am staying single…………………………

  2. Stuck for now!

    I always seem to pick the bad ones, Womanizers, Drunks, Drugies, and Abusers! I have been married to this one for 14 years, he screams at me for every little thing, calls me a Stupid B, Dumber then a box of rocks, Useless as tits on a bull! He says I don’t know what the F I am talking about…Yet, he says he loves me, but you know what, if a man loves you, he wouldn’t treat you this way!
    It’s like walking on egg shells all the time, because you don’t never know when he’ll have his mood swings, it’s like one of those swinging doors!!
    You know something else, that swinging door is going to work in my behalf one day, me or him is going!! It will probably be me, because he will never leave, the house is in both of our names, and no kids! Oh, & I am not a young women, over 65, he is a bit scary, so I am not pushing it!!

  3. Heide

    I just felt the need to comment this article just comes as a reminder that I do validate what I’m feeling. I met a charming chapp. Just shut my cerebral whatever down. I knew I was going to get with him. After being sex starved for years my man died. &I did too. After 6 years its either time to start to live or get busy dieing. So I met him on line he was close and so. What’s that word Charming

  4. Katherine Webster

    Honestly I have learned all my years here even a child who can’t speak tries to communciate to his parent what they want we being adults need to learn how to communicate properly men and women will only do what you allow them to do tell them what you want and expect in a relationship upfront not later in the relationship have standards and don’t change them. I get so tried of people saying that there are no good men you are wrong if we stop trying to change people and just except them for who they are you chose not to see it because of your rose colored glasses well take off the glasses see what is in front of you stop being desperate and have a conversation again learn to communicate it will save you so much heartache later on : ) Just ask and they will tell you what they want don’t be afraid to ask questions in the beginning.

  5. Cat

    ok, i thnk it is time to stop lamenting and start living life; if the man yo thought is the one cheated, lied or manipulated you, then shut down your feelings for him and turn your back and move right to the next one; i have seen a movie with a memorable remarque: the only way to get ovr a man is to get under another! Ladies stop trying to make men you love and treat you bad, to love you back! It doesn’t work! Why? because we give them love and they give us pain; some of us like that! we are blind when we love, the article says it. Women have all the power but I’m sorry to say, we are stupid, we do not know nor do we want to use it in our advantage; I say let’s do to men what they do to us, not to revenge, but to free ourselves; the man you are with doesn’t love you? dump him in a second! and have your next date lined up at the first sign of his betrayal. and do not stop dating as many as you can and be mercyless, until you find the one that perfectly fits your needs and expectations. one more thing: have you ever wondered why men do not compete as much for women as women compete for men? think about that, is important!

  6. virgin

    I am falling in love with a boy who had a girlfriend. I dont know why I love him so much, and I believe that he will be happy without me. But I cant stand when seeing he hand in hand with his girlfriend… And I feel so bad. That is all thing I can do, after alone on the long time… Maybe, I will find a boy suitable with me …. And I hope so.

    I always think everything can do. So, I feel tired when thinking about him, not only the life, but also verything I do, it seems change, and revole in the break – love in my mind…. However, I will try to get in well with my friend after… I can’t share with anyone about emotion of me, because I dont like everyone knows it. I feel so bad, so sad, and so angry with all thing! What can I do know to forget him? I only soudly:”I love you, so much”… but I cant… because I cant break down the love they have. I cant!

  7. Debster

    Relationships – Time to Step Up Our Game, Ladies
    Back in the ‘50’s, moms and wives didn’t generally work. They were 100% dependent on their man to provide everything. This left men thinking they could get away with anything and everything, and the woman had to take it as she had no choice. Today, we have many choices. Unfortunately, men have not evolved to keep pace with this change. They still believe they can bully, cheat on, and force their will on their mates. We women reinforce this fantasy for them. We pretend it isn’t as bad as it is, we overlook him openly flirting with the waitress right in front of us. We tolerate, make excuses for them. We do this in the spirit of trying to keep the peace. What we are actually doing is letting our man know that this behavior is okay with us, we give them a free hall pass every time they, “act out,” and behave badly. We are not June Cleaver anymore. We work, and have the power to create our own world and life in any way we see fit. Why keep tolerating the spoiled, selfish, and emotionally destructive behavior of our male partners? Just a thought… what if we didn’t? What if instead of making excuses for them, we put them on notice. Open the relationship with hard and fast rules, and don’t bend on them. Go into it with real definition. For example, explain that you have say, three “deal breakers.” This can be cheating, running up your credit cards, being disrespectful to your children or parents, or anything that is really that important to you on a core level. Then explain you have five red flag issues. For example, flirting with your sister, showing you disrespect, making a mess in the house and leaving it for you to deal with. The next day, post a roster on the fridge. Record any red flags, when he gets to five, boot him to the street. If he commits a deal breaker, don’t wait for five, cut him loose immediately. If he doesn’t like the system, so what, the streets are full of men, they are literally everywhere. Get you another one. I can’t help but feel that if more women stood up for themselves and quit allowing men to treat them badly, eventually men would get the hint and evolve. I don’t think we’re doing them, or us, any favors by coddling them and making excuses for their bad behavior. Peace, sistas.

  8. Debster

    To Rosalyn the nurse: Go to UHaul, get some cardboard boxes. Bring contractor-type, strong trash bags. Whether he is home or not. Start at the closets, take a big trash bag and put all of his clothes in it. Ask him to help you, if he stands there blubbering, “but, but..I love you!” Keep packing, do not stop. When done, put all of his stuff on the curb. Then, tell him to give you back your key and go join his belongings out on the curb. With any luck, the trash truck will scoop them both up in one try. Get that lying loser out of your space. Best wishes, sista!

  9. pisces girl

    Look life is a joke you got to learn to laugh at it and if lucky you get to laugh at it with another not just alone. Lighten up folks we live, we learn, then we know. Death is ultimate so go love and laugh forget the crappy advice. You get a jerk dump him/ her. You find the one love him/ her and be their best friend and partner till the end. Who wants to die alone…???

  10. ReikiGirl

    Rosalyn, you know what you should do. Time for you to move on. Boyfriend needs to find another place to live and you need to get on with your life.

    Jasmine, it’s either working or it isn’t. In your case, it isn’t. He’s not sure he wants to be with you, that’s reason enough. You know when someone truly loves you or not. Move on and find someone that doesn’t leave you asking questions. Both of you will be much happier and be able to appreciate each other later on in the future.

    Mina, the guy you are trying to connect with is not connected to you. You cannot make someone want to be with you. If you are trying to force it, it is not the right guy. With the right guy you don’t have to jump through hoops. This is the time to spoil yourself and spend time doing what you want. Later on there is someone else waiting for you, you’ll see.

  11. Claudie

    Crazy…men cheat, lie, and its out of control, I dont trust any one of them, and I dont believe there are any AVAILABLE good men out there! Tbese days its all over the tv.Tiger Woods cheated on his beautiful wife, and it became public, if all the men who cheat were exposed, every channel everyday all day all night, story after story, MEN, you should be ashamed, for all the broken hearts out there…

  12. Jasmine

    I’m dealing with a very unhealthy relationship…and I’m so lost as to what I should do? We fell in love and decided to be together and got engaged! And now it’s all messed up! I don’t know what happened? He talks about break up but then he doesn’t do it and wants me to make the move first. Which I don’t want to. He is just leaving me hanging and not doing anything. I’m so confused. 🙁 Did I chose the wrong guy?

  13. portia

    I had the spark, but it still wasn’t enough, He was emotionally unavailable…Still struggling leaving a marriage. So I had to walk away..Miss the sparks, but not the man issues.. Love him always, but not going to compromise myself worth… Sparks are exciting and lots of fun, and then what ? Trusting that inner voice that say is he worth you or not…Please ladies never inflate there ego, because the will use that so take it easy, and always pay attention to not just what he say’s but what he does..

  14. Carmen

    I just adjusted my rose colored glasses, I truly have been hurt so many times I don’t even think I recognize the signs much anymore, if it’s not going in the direction I think it should be going in, I just back out quickly, I don’t think an explanation is even needed anymore, I’m currently seeing a guy who may be a great guy, sex is delicious, conversations are limited, and it seems to be working until he has a gig or has to work to many hours, then I become impatient and bratty my feelings are what matter to me and if he is the one, I need lots of attention that he can’t clearly give so I’m ready to call it quits and be alone for awhile, 20 months its run its course, lol lol no expectations and no surprises

  15. Sandy

    Eric, Such an excellent article I laughed throughout most of it, thinking OMG how many times has this hit home. Obviously I’m a repeat offender. I loved the part about the family tree and shrubs pointing out red flags, unfortunately my family has all past and I only have shrubs left and who listens to them.

    Thanks so much again and if I become serious about another relationship in “my head” where most of my relationships live, I’m going to heed your advice for sure.

  16. Rose Ann Farese

    It all boils down to chemistry or that spark! Without it there is no sense in even pursuing a bad boy ! no spark no relationship!

  17. maya

    welll lucky you guys. this is indeed a great article… i just need someone to tell me why, whenever i fall for someone they dont ever love me but instead love someone else! i mean come on im 16 im suppose to have a boyfriend but… infact there is this guy i love him soo much but he doesnt. i am tall and preety his borther says im beautifull and all my guy frends at school says im one of the prettiest girl in the school and that we two suit. but i cant see why he doesnt feel the way i feel abt him?

  18. Amy

    Well where is the line drawn between compassion, empathy, and forgiveness for the ones we love and the supposed “seeing things through rose colored glasses”. As beings of light aren’t we supposed to practice unconditional love? Being in an abusive relationship is one thing. But forgiving mistakes, and the way a person might have handled things towards you is different. Truth is, we are all flawed and capable of hurting one another. Most times completely unintentionally. I think its not about illusions or deluding onesself but about what you are PERSONALLY willing to tolerate.

  19. Courtney x5036

    We all have illusions of our mate in a relationship. Without rose colored glasses many of us wouldn’t be in relationships at all. Some of my clients have sworn off relationships forever. Perfection doesn’t really exist in any love match but the influence of Venus creates a lifelong love.

  20. Tricia

    To Rosaline, I say once a cheater always a cheater, if he love youd you it shouldnt have been that easy to just sleep with someone else. Good luck girl!

  21. Mina

    hi , really enjoy your article…maybe you can help me out on this? i love someopne and he’s now gone, i wanted to bring him back into my life or i wnat him to think of me so i tried doing the mind concentration to connect to him. but i think it doesnt work…can you teach me the right way please?

  22. Gina Rose ext.9500Gna Rose ext.9500

    Best article I’ve read in months !!!! Great job, Eric.

    Love those 3 very important tips at the end of the article too.

    Sadly, I’ve read for many women over the years that simply cannot, or will not, shed those rose-colored blinders.

    Sometimes, if it looks like a duck, and walks like duck, and talks like a duck, and flys like a duck…..IT’S A DUCK !!!!! It will never change into a magical white unicorn.

    Everybody deserves a partner that will love them back and cherish them, a real relationship, ( in the real world, not fantasy land ), is a two way street.

  23. Mary

    LOL, LOL, LOL Eric this is a great article! this is so funny because I even called someone an angel just to find out different. The signs where all there but I was refusing to see them. I only looked at his good qualities which were very few and by than my heart was crushed!

    Lol lol but now is a whole different story a man most show me by his actions and not his words and if I really like him he may not hear from me for weeks and sometimes months, giving myself time to re-assess what I have seen so far. Thank you for this great article I will share with all my female friends!

  24. Rosalyn Robinson

    I just caught my boyfriend cheating on me in my house that we share and I pay all the bills. He say that he is sorry and felt like it was the wrong thing to do he said that he had a gut feeling about the whole thing. I do live in nursing and happened to come home one morning from work to surprise him and boom. He say he don’t love her and he hope that he and I can start over again. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?

  25. blackie

    I don’t think I’m going give anyone that kind of a chance andit sounds bette than safe sex. I’ve gave more than anyone and I don’t have it o give anymore.

  26. bushra

    This morning when I read this blog I was merely curious as to,what went wrong in my relationship(which btw went up in flames so rapidly,yet all along I knew the storm was coming)and plus I did doubt my choices,its good to know my prefrontal cortex was shut all along hahahaaha….thanks for the heads up,um sure sun does shine after dusk.


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