Sex Q&A: Guilty Pleasure, Guilty Pain

Elizabeth’s Question:

I think I messed up badly. I slept with a man who has been pursuing me for a couple of years now that I really have zero interest in merely because he took notice of me and I’d been missing something in my life.

I’d hoped I could inject a little excitement into it by doing something completely out of character, but instead I just feel violated, and I’m the only one to blame for forcing myself to go forward even though it felt so very wrong.

On top of that, I told my current love interest, my relationship with whom is probably best described as “open” due to his own personal circumstances and the distance between each other, though we haven’t really discussed it in detail, about this rendezvous, then felt so disgusted with what I’d done that I played it off as a joke — but not before he told me he was genuinely happy I’d gone ahead with it.

I’m not sure if I’m more upset by his reaction because I was expecting at least a little jealousy or because I was so unhappy with what I’d done that having him say he was perfectly okay with it was so very jarring. Either way, it left me confused and, if I’m honest with myself, a little hurt.

Liam, I’m a total mess and I have no idea what to do. I’m not interested in my random hookup at all and because I’m not sure how serious he was about the whole thing I’m afraid I might hurt him. I’m not sure what exactly is going on with me and my current interest, but after this incident I know what I’m feeling for him is above and beyond mere physical attraction, and now I don’t really know what to do, or if I should even be open with him about all of this. I’m so ridiculously confused that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Any advice, any insight at all would be a real help.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Liz, and thank you for sharing this. I think many people can relate to this conundrum. You’re hardly the first person in history to sleep with someone only to find the emotions afterward difficult to confront. I feel very strongly that you’re being far too hard on yourself.

You seem to be needlessly tormented by having conducted your life in a manner that is not only perfectly in line with Nature but very germane to your own inner nature as well. The conflict comes in the comparing of the idealized version you prefer to perceive as “Elizabeth” and the truth that is your sexual self. The natural self is frightening to you because she is someone you don’t know very well. She is virile, sexual, cruel, and cunning, but she is nurturing and graceful and wise too. She’s perilous, as Nature is perilous, and you must come to terms with this schism. You must strive to accept those elements of yourself which are not part of your idealized perceptions.

What happened with the fellow who was pursuing you was simply Nature at work. He was doing his job as a male. He saw a lovely girl he desired to sleep with, and he went to work to sleep with her. He pursued, he pined, he worked to impress. Perhaps on a “conscious” level, you were not all that interested. But your consciousness is an illusion of social fabrication and conditioning, and all the time your subconscious Goddess nature was well at work, watching this fellow struggle and work and sweat and strive, all for the right to mate with you.

Your intellect might have balked at the notion, but I sense that your body was wanting something of which your mind wasn’t even aware. Nature is not kind; She never plays fair. Recent scientific studies have shown that it is possible to register the action of a human being from an unknown level of consciousness before that person is even aware they mean to take action. In other words, our conscious “rationalizations” appear after instinct has chosen the path. And now you’re faced with the social and moral consequences of your actions. You say you used him, but your body was the reward for a male who did the job Nature asked of him. It may indeed feel like a violation after the fact, but make no mistake, it all went according to plan.

As for your other fellow, this too is a perilous game. He is acting his role just as you are acting yours, and sometimes there is a blurring of the scenery. He knows he can make no demands on you just now. He rather fancies himself a bit of a rogue who is not inclined to make such demands anyway, though I sense that he was more put off with your confession than you think and is a bit more territorial than he pretends. However, having no claim, what is a dashing rogue to do? Believe me, he’s as taken with you as you are with him, and I’m impressed that you shared this information with him. Again, you may have consciously thought you were doing it as a sort of confession, but in reality you were giving him a bit of a sting, a heated lash to catch his attention. Good for you, and well played. You’re a brilliant vixen, though you have yet to accept it. You’re going to win this game. Don’t worry that this one is not giving the attention you desire at the moment. I have a feeling that’s all about to change. Let him simmer.

In regard to dealing with the man you say you really don’t want, he gained the delight of your charms for his efforts, and Nature makes few demands beyond the moment’s gratification. You need do nothing at all right now. You made no promises. You simply gave him his lusty due. There’s no need to insult him by launching into a meltdown of regret either, so be nice, be graceful. If you really don’t wish to go back to his bed, so be it. Just decline any future requests in a polite fashion. If pressed, simply say that the moment was the moment and you are beyond it now. You don’t need to explain. If it all seems a little cruel, remember, cruelty is part of Nature’s kiss. If you play, you take the risk. He took the risk, and he had a gain. But that may be over. Time will tell. You might decide to explore things a bit more. Have this lover and continue your dance of seduction with the other as well. In the end, it is entirely up to you. Just be kinder to yourself. That’s the cardinal rule.

Be well,

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