Drama Kings and Strong Women

Are you a strong woman in every department except romance? Welcome to the club. You survived the corporate warfare and rose up while the recession was quick to sacrifice the fairer sex like sacrificial lambs on the altar – yet at home you cower, you shrink, you cave in when your partner stomps, roars, and demeans you on levels you wouldn’t accept anywhere else. What’s going on here?

It’s not like I haven’t been there myself. I graduated from a Seven Sisters college a year early, and yet one of my friends advised: “You have too much personality. You need to hide who you are, morph yourself into what a man wants, and then, six months into the relationship, start to reveal your true self.”

How come a woman is supposed to hide her achievements outside of the work place like a dirty little secret? In the tech field, women who have risen like phoenixes from the ashes have been sent death threats. The lovely and talented sports reporter Erin Andrews has made it past the hurdles of being a female into sports casting, only to have a man stalk her and videotape her undressing through the peephole of her locked hotel room. Are men so afraid of successful women that their only reaction is to find a way to degrade them and soil their accomplishments?

Women are happy when they feel needed. It’s our instinct to coddle, nurture and empathize. We want to feel like we can bring out the best in our unpolished, misunderstood gemstones, and we’re willing to do a lot to prove that we’re on to something no one else understands. What we often don’t realize is that no amount of talking is going to change a blunt instrument into a support beam.

The truth is that in urban centers the ratio of men to women has flip-flopped, increasing competition for men who only have to turn on the latest Judd Apatow film to see a nerdy, overweight, stoner male landing a smart, seductive, put-together goddess of a woman.

Drama kings can nestle in slowly, taking little nibbles at your self-esteem. Successful women are often conscious of being too masculine at work, and so they work overtime to be the opposite at home. Strong women give and give, and are aware that time is ticking. They don’t have time to go and find a new mate, because routine is so much easier than ending up solo. Statistics show that the percentage of single women over forty has risen 20% since the women’s lib movement of the 1970s. What were we liberated from? Now, in addition to raising a family, organizing a social life, getting the dog to the vet and outfitting our men, we get to add a job to all of that – and still at unequal pay levels!

Be strong and be good to yourself – you don’t need that stress. After all, stats reveal that single women are happier than married women!

What do you think – are women better off dropping the need for men altogether?

15 thoughts on “Drama Kings and Strong Women

  1. Laila

    Starting June 4th and every Saturday Tower Group 8pm meeting will be a step study/step doing.For those itnerested in going through the steps while we study the steps I’ll be more than glad to assist you.Bring a 1 or 3 subject spiral notebook,pen,highlighter and your Big Book.This is going to be fun as well as a new experience.Yes We have entered the world of the Spirit.Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.

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  4. dejarae

    At 53 yrs. of my earthly journey, I have evolved into my “stronger”woman that I knew at 5yrs. old. What a wild trip it’s been!!! Let myself go for the “white picket fence” fantasy for 22 yrs., had 3 wonderful sons and great memories growing them, a low- esteemed “hubby” who competed with me in every way instead of “partnering”, including every abuse tactic there is to “keep me” where he wanted me, until I had enough!!
    Left with the clothes on my back- but worth every second of it to be FREE to BE ME again, (or just finding my new season?). Do not compromise yourself for anyone- then you can be TRUE to yourself and really enjoy your journey- Guilt can be TOXIC, find your Higher Power and go with it!!! No matter; if HE brings you TO it, HE will bring you THROUGH it!! I am a living testimony of that- 3 yrs. and finally enjoying MYSELF!! Bless you all in your life lessons, tests and journey- may it be what you dreamed…

  5. diadriel

    From experience, when I was younger I moved fast up the ladder to the glass ceiling. I moved from management to the technical ladder once I had a family. If a woman is not herself – no matter where she is: work or home – I believe she will find imbalance, unhealthy behaviors, and unhappiness. If a person is truly ‘strong’, then they are strong in who they are, and can be themselves at work or at home with success. I am not saying share your intimate lives with work, I am saying you should be the same person with actions coming from spirit, even at work, for that is your strength. I totally agree with Gina Rose – a healthy relationship comes from desire, not need; a choice to share or not. If a person ‘puts on a work facade’, then conflict within will arise. To me, it shows an insecurity that needs to be dealt with to find balance and happiness. I hope by now, we have all learned that we need not be “more masculine” to get the job done well and be recognized. There are still glass ceilings and “good-ol-boy” networks in the business world, but truly stong individuals will find their success in not playing along with the drama.

  6. pja817

    Carmen, PLEASE share your theory! I’m a strong woman who just got dumped by a manipulative man – after having divorced a drama king. I want to get off this ride but don’t know how. HELP!!!

  7. Carmen Hexe

    Dear Duck, I agree with you as well. However, I have experienced plenty of men who feel castrated by the fact that they are outearned by their woman. It has backfired numerous times that I was more successful. The guys would get resentful, angry and usually run off with a younger counterpart that wasn’t a threat.

    BUT…having said that. It wasn’t about me being a strong woman. It was all about who the men were that I picked! I found that insecurity is not always the killer, it is ego! And the guys with a huge ego would sooner or later turn on me.

    And yes, one wrote a blog about this 😀

  8. thelovelyducklingThe Lovely Duckling

    Hi, Colleen!

    Interesting article, especially in contrast to Eric’s article on such a similar subject…and, of course, I have an opinion here, too! You are exactly right in questioning why a woman (or a man for that matter) should have to hide herself at any time during a personal relationship. To me, that is the romantic version of the bait-n-switch tactic and completely unfair and damaging to a relationship. I want someone who is a genuine version of himself right from the beginning, so that I know what I’m getting myself into.

    There is a definite difference between personal and professional demeanor, and sometimes what belongs to one belongs to the other; most of the time, though, they have very little in common. Being too vulnerable or overly dramatic can get you fired. If you take everything personally, you won’t last long at any job. On the other hand, the last thing I’d want is for a man to handle me like I was his client instead of the love of his life. I can’t speak for men, but in my female brain, I can’t imagine a man wanting a strong woman who treated him as if he were her competition instead of her lover. (Feel free to fill us in on that one, guys…)

    At work, no matter what occupation someone is in, a certain amount of professional distance has to be maintained. This entails putting on a false front, whether it is for a woman appearing to be more masculine to compete with her male counterparts or a solitary man adrift in a sea of female colleagues. It’s totally appropriate as well as requisite in the professional world, but distance is hardly a word I would want to use in describing any personal relationship I have, whether romantic or platonic or familial.

    As Eric pointed out in his article, there is a balance between two equals. Men and women (whatever your preference) both need partners. it is essential that a woman can take the more passive role at times and to let her man be the stronger of the two. Again, I can imagine that men also need to be able to trust the person they are with enough to be vulnerable. Being strong is sometimes a sacrifice so that the other person can fall to pieces knowing that someone is there to help collect them and put them back together again. Regardless of gender, no one person can be the rock all of the time. As Yeats said, “too long a sacrifice makes a stone of the heart.”

    I totally agree with Gina Rose in that, no matter what, another person cannot make you whole. You have to do that for yourself before you can let yourself truly be loved. A true loving relationship is about trust, acceptance and forgiveness–for yourself as well as for your partner. Equality comes from two people who are able to give each other the same things. I also agree with Yas that it’s never a good idea to give up who you are for another person. I can’t wait to see what Jai Krishna and Carmen have to say! 😉

    It’s a hard thing to balance between work life and love life without having them bleed over our own carefully drawn lines, but sometimes life is messy. We have to navigate carefully to avoid the potholes and pitfalls. Our identity is wrapped up in both our professional titles and our personal roles, but to confuse the two completely is detrimental to both. We can end up losing who we are below the surface. I would never want to present myself as someone other than who I really am or have another do that to me. Investing myself in a relationship, even for only six months, and finding out that the person I’ve been with is just a cardboard cut-out of what he thinks I want him to be would be a disappointing waste of time. I want nothing superficial, nothing shallow. If who I am isn’t who he really wants, then it isn’t a relationship–it’s just a breakup waiting to happen.

    Duck 🙂

  9. Jai Krishna PonnappanJai Krishna

    As a man, I must say this surely is an eye opening article. I’d like to thank you colleen for bringing this up and I’d like to thank Gina Rose for her brilliant ideas and opinion. And Ms. Carmen, I sure am looking forward to your reply and ideas as well. I’ll be voicing my concerns shortly, about the unjust social trends that plague the truth of gender equality. A Man and woman were always meant to be an equal, harmonious and beautiful pair. Why isn’t this so? What can trigger a change? I’ll get back at ya soon 🙂
    – Blessings, Peace and Love 🙂
    – Jai

  10. Yas

    I don’t sympathize with most of this article, but this one part really stood out to me:

    “Successful women are often conscious of being too masculine at work, and so they work overtime to be the opposite at home. Strong women give and give, and are aware that time is ticking. They don’t have time to go and find a new mate, because routine is so much easier than ending up solo.”

    I’ve noticed many strong women, sometimes myself included, try to over-compensate in their personal life by being more nurturing. To some degree, I think it’s good to turn on a softer side. It’s something that can get get lost in the work shuffle, however, there is a fine line. If you go too far, you start denying your true self and feelings and not see red flags.

  11. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    and PS…..

    The truly powerful,self-confident,emotionally healthy, smart woman would never even consider a ” Drama King ” as a life mate/partner…….they are way too selective in their choice of male partner and do not have the time, or desire, to lower their standards and cater to a drama king.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    I would love to read more male viewpoints in this blog……guys, if you are out there reading this….please speak up!!!!! and tell all the women out there reading this…. what are the qualities, in a woman, you are looking for in terms of creating a good, long term loving relationship.

  12. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    I think that women SHOULD drop the NEED for men…….but NOT the DESIRE for a man and a good, healthy relationship. There is a huge difference between need and desire.

    I’m about as indeoendent a woman as can be, and I’m over 50 years of age….. ….I was the first woman to manage a male dominated company in a male dominated field, and the youngest, male or female, to climb that ladder so high, or so fast.

    But I’m NOT a man-hater, nor do I believe in male bashing…..my best friends are male…..and I read for many male clients as well.

    However…..I do believe that women need to realize their own strengths and power…..a man in your life cannot make you a ” whole ” person……only you can .

    A man should not ” complete ” you……rather a man/partner should be a compliment to you….and vica-a-versa. You come into this world alone….on your own individual Karmic path/journey…..you are leaving this world the same way.

    Times are a changin’ !!!!!!
    I think that women need to start viewing men as team-mates and life partners……not as knights on white horses sent to them to support them, rescue them, and care for their every need in order to feel ” whole and complete”……the job of feeling whole and complete is up to each individual, that responsibility should rest on the individuals’ shoulders…..not on your partners’ shoulders.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500


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