Dating a Sexaholic: What You Should Know

Strengthen Yourself for the Challenges Ahead

Today we’re going to talk about the sex addict. Addictions come in many forms, with the more popular addictions involving food, drugs, and sex. All serious addicts, no matter their vice, have certain things in common. Their addiction of choice consumes their lives until it taints everything and everyone in it. If you think you are dating a sex addict, read on to fortify yourself for challenges ahead of you.

The Signs

There are certain signs that your partner may be a sexual addict. These include lying, hiding things, obsessing over sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and cheating on you. Lying about where he’s been reveals a need to hide a part of himself from you, and you may not even get an honest answer when you do confront him. Sex obsession can manifest itself in the form of exhibitionism or voyeurism as well, displaying his all-consuming need to have sex, watch others having sex, and perform sex for others. The addict will never get his fill of what he craves and will always be searching for more. Cheating can also be a red flag. The reason he cannot be faithful to you could be caused by his addiction. Even though he may love you, his addiction will come first before you and everyone else, every time.

The Part You Play

Generally, people involved with addicts fall into the role of a codependent, or enabler. You can easily get sucked into feeling sorry for their struggles, and wanting to “fix” them. The conundrum here is that your involvement with the addict makes it impossible for you to help them heal. Only their desire to get better, and professional counseling, will put them on the path to recovery. The part you may be playing in this relationship includes denial, making excuses, and ignoring the red flags. Dealing with the fact that your partner may be a sex addict paves a very difficult road for both of you, riddled with hard work and tough decisions. But refusing to see the truth of your partner’s issues and lying to yourself and others will only keep you locked in an unhealthy relationship.

“Sex is physical, love is spiritual. You can have sex without love and love without sex; but it’s most rewarding when both exist simultaneously.” – Psychic Rivers ext. 5273

Where to Go From Here

The biggest challenge for any addict is admitting that he has a problem. Sadly, this usually happens only after he hits rock bottom or loses something of great importance, such as his significant other—you. If your partner has been able to come to terms with his addiction while the two of you are still involved, you will have to make the choice whether or not to stick with him through his recovery process. This will include individual and couples counseling as well as your partner entering a 12-step recovery program such as Sexaholics Anonymous. Oftentimes, recovering addicts need time to heal alone, and that means without you. As difficult as this decision may seem, the recovery process has to be a selfish one, which means your partner has to put himself before the relationship. The best thing you can do is to take this time to reflect on your own needs and spiritual recovery.

“If you find yourself confusing sex and love then you must find your voice, speak up and let your partner know upfront sex is not just the physical act, for you love and sex are one.” – Psychic Deejay ext. 5435

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31 thoughts on “Dating a Sexaholic: What You Should Know

  1. Debbie

    I was married to a sex addict for twenty yrs had three kids w him. For me I wanted my family to make it so bad that I stayed knowing he was acting out. That life with him was hell and when I finally got out I had very little love for me…i was so angry at myself for staying.I have been single now since divorce for 14 yrs I keep being attracted to sex addicts obviously I have more therapy work to do on me. I’m lonely alot but ill take lonliness any day over being cheated on.I love me today and that is what matters most. Sex addicts can arrest the addiction if they WANT to..I have seen S.A.A.twelve step program work for those that want a better life and are willing to do the work.They have to WANT help though.

  2. Courtney x5036

    Porn/ sex addiction addiction is very demeaning for the other partner. If your partner admits they have a problem and seriously wants help you are on the track to recovery. If they are in any sort of denial it is best to move on.

  3. Sue

    Is it sex addiction when your husband (he actually started it after 12 yrs of marriage with his first affair) started pressuring for either permission to have a prostitute, or a 3-some and wants you to bring home another partner so he can do the same and have sex in the same room? My mind would not allow this, and I hope he can convince his new girlfriend, as I divorced him after 31 years (and pressure for anal sex also). Let her please his addictions.

  4. gman

    I bellieve that love addiction come from a person wanting to please his/her person thoughts. sex is a way to express feeling and if the other party is not up to the challenge then it makes it hard to keep their mind from going else where. Itsnt about co dependentency it about not having enough to eat when he set down at the table…. so like it 20 min. other less some more… we dont call a person that runs a addict… or swim or plays basketball… sex is a game to express feeling of love that others must learn to accept and be apart of it or move get out the way because if you take care of home then the other party will not cheat… or even look at porn. learn to accept it like you do same sex relationship…

  5. vrugs

    we are always so ready to place blame & see the faults when it happens to ‘someone else’.
    when it happens to ‘us’ we don’t & can’t see what’s right in front of us. i know how horrible it is to have doubt about the one you love. you may feel you want & need to know exactly what’s happening in their life cuz if you did you could make a decision about what to do. believe me, you don’t want to know! it will haunt you forever to know the truth. you can never erase that information. i can’t say it enough, if You don’t like the way you are being treated. if You have doubt about your relationship. if You are for Any reason Unhappy it’s time for You to do something about it. get help. ask your partner to get help with you. if they make excuses & claim You are the problem, Leave. no matter how much you might Want to fix them remember, You can Only fix yourself.

  6. Mary

    too all i belive men and women have dream of what kind of sex they like both get together …glass a wine ..ask what your mate wants… and how they want it.. internet has nothing to do with addiction…. be a brain storm in bed the both of you …. and be leave me ….you will see the difference…. role play,nothing wrong with that .. but ask your soul mate how and do we have a plan …if u differ do it teice ..good luck..

  7. christy

    I have been hurt not sure if he is a sex addict i think so.. My son loves him and i do too.. I get the whole want to help or make it work thing.. I am a good person in life and have been done wronG to by my ex husband, but its like a fatal attraction to this guy.. Over three yrs now and still in the same spot..Sometimes i feel strong IN LOVE AND SOMETIMES i hate him. WHAT TO DO…

  8. Eleni

    Geesh…Isn’t anyone worried about STD’s and AIDS these days? I DON”T do any romantic things unless feelings of love are involved or mutual feelings and even if I have feelings I ask for BLOOD TESTS for STD’s..YES! MY life is important to me if not the other party…and by me asking for such it HAS saved me grief because some of the men I have dated that were interested in me “physically” had an STD and once they confessed they STILL had the freaking nerve to ask me if I will sleep with them AND the kicker is they said “I don’t use protection-it does not feel the same” , WHAT! My doctors tell me that 75% of the population WORLD wide have some type of STD (curable/non)…and NO most will NOT tell you they have an STD until you go for a check up for symptoms/blood work will show it…So next time you go for blood work ask for STD blood work for ALL STD’s…. In this day and age how can you trust ANY one man/woman NO matter how long you have been with them or known them-people lie, cheat, manipulate etc…..first the test results then the passion…We are adult enought to have common sense to ask about getting tested and if they love you as much as they say…they will be honest and adult to go and get tested with you on the SAME day so that way there is no misunderstandings/trust issues…If they dont want to go then you have your answer…and run fast the other way! Report any if they know they have a serious/life threatening STD and still are having sex…It is VOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER if someone has a life threatening STD and does not disclose it to his/her partner…I LOVE ME and I don’t care if they think its tacky or that I dont trust them or whatever their point may be..NO blood work NO love…and I wait until I see the blood test RESULTS..NO excuses or exceptions!

  9. Margarita

    The article like RVG comments, is too biased towards the male gender. I believe
    there are many women who are also sex-addicted (or obssessive), but because
    women are categorized as not desiring, enjoying, etc.. sex., the ones that enjoy
    sex and may obssess about it is because of the lack of freedom and flexibility
    most women encounter or are open to experiment specially as they grow older
    but yet maintain a high libido and desire to enjoy sex but the opportunities are
    less there for her if she is single.

  10. dixie belle

    I’m 35 yrs old, considered by most 2 be very attractive & have a great personality & sense of humor. Alotta people say I’m the “perfect catch”. But my self esteem has been relatively low since finding last march that my HS sweetheart, who I broke up my marriage 2 get back with, had a major sexting & internet problem. The girls were nowhere near as attractive(not being concieted, just bitchy!). He moved n w me, & we ended up having 2 cancel internet except on my phone, this bein his idea! He’s got several girls who are “friends” & several exs that he texts relatively often & it scares me even though he assures me he’s now a “good boy”! But he lies about how often & how much he texts them. When I bust him(yes I look at phone records cause he’s on my plan) he still tells lil lies or says I’m controlling which I’m not at all,or apologizes & says its just a friend! Always keeps his cell n his pocket too! I feel like we’re soulmates, but our sexlife has been diff lately, sometimes I feel like he doesn’t look at me whole time,which makes me feel like he’s thinkin of others & he more often than not only tells me he loves me after I say it! I never get the compliments I used to either. I’m considering using cell spyware to read texts even, just 4 my own sanity! Should I be worried & just invest n spyware? I’m going nuts over this! We have amazing sex, I don’t get it!

  11. Beverly

    I was so happy to see this as the topic today. I just recently ended an 11 yr on/off relationship with my partner. He is definatly a sex addict, and I’ve been aware of this for many yrs (he’s been unwilling to address). We were married back in 2000 and together for 4 yrs, we split for 5 (divorced) and reunited in 2009 until 3 wks ago. Right now I am suffering from something passed on to me from this man, and have had to have 2 surgeries due to it. He admitted to me that he has had sex with men & woman just recently, and I feel so cheated by this person as this ONLY came out due to my present condition. During our relationship, if we had sex less than 7 times a wk, he would get VERY moody & often times accusing me of cheating. I found this extremely exhausting most of the time. I love this man with all my heart, but I cannot do this craziness anymore. It’s been 3 wks since we separated, and my heart is so heavy with grief…how do we survive after these type of break ups??

  12. vrugs

    i know about what you are feeling right now. i was married to a lier & cheater for 23 years.
    after leaving him i hooked up with another lier, cheater who also was a sex & drug addict. we were together for five years. i believed everything & everytime they apologized & promised. life would be great for a couple weeks then right back to their lying ways. there were signs during both relationships but with my marriage i had a child to think of & he continued to tell me no one else would want me especially with a child…so i stayed. the second relationship i got out sooner but still took five years of my life. i saw the first ‘red flag’ early on but with promises, i stayed. it’s been a tough seven years but i’ve made it. it’s been lonely, sad, empty & painfull at times but i did it, You can too! find your true loves & passions in family, friends, religion, hobbies who/what ever it takes to keep You #1. don’t give up on Yourself but Do give up the BAD relationship you are finding yourself in. Don’t wait for them to change, they Never do. spend all your energy on making You better. like in death, life goes on. You Will go on & one day be happy again too.
    believe me, I Am Worth It. You Are Worth It Too! addiction, obsession call it what you want. if are tired of all the promises & You are Not happy in your relationship it’s time to leave. get out & get on with Your life. a “promise” to get help is Not getting help.

  13. darrell flenoid

    NORMA do not give up on him unless he or your self dont love each other any longer.first thing is to find out where each others heads are at.wish and pray that he dont lie to you,thats if he is……ask him what is it he wants from you sexually ..If thats the case….but dont be just another couple that has fallen to ruins….DARRELL FLENOID

  14. Recovering addict

    Much of the commentary on here seems to be missing the point and just challenging the very idea of sexual addiction.

    Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous operates on the sound premise that SEX and LOVE addictions are complusions that affect brain chemistry. One needs to be aware that either complusion floods the body with chemicals, hormones etc, a PHYSIOLOGICAL consequence that shapes behavior. Food, gambling, cutting, and the like are similar complusive addictions.

    Men are more likely prone to sex addiction (visual stimulation being the gateway) whereas women fall more into the love addiction (romance, fantasy, serial love affairs).

    In either case, addicts and the people who love them suffer. Addiction is a disease of the body (individual) and of relationships (family, friends, partners).

    There are groups for people who love addicts: ALANON, CODA, and groups formed around SLA concepts.

    If you’re troubled …. seek out help.

  15. Robyn

    For Robynn…you simply must trust that the universe will provide…you should be proud of yourself…don’t go back…just relax…take some group dance lessons…go to the gym…take a cooking class…do something fun and special…enjoy your life.

  16. Taylor

    I’ve been dating my Bf for 8 yrs now. We have a 2 yr old together. He’s a porn/sex addict. He wants sex all the time & watches porn every chance he gets. Caught him b4 masturbating to porn when I was leavin the home to run errands but forgot something & came back home. He doesn’t cheat on me but he checks out any women walking down the street or walkin by in public. He thinks that staring @ everyone of them is nothing. He says I’m jus jealous when I’m not those jealous type. He over does it. I know he doesn’t cheat becos he is home 24/7 with me & we do everything together as well. Should I be worried with his porn/sex addiction? I’ve told him many times he needs help but he dont see what he is doin is wrong..

  17. marie

    I’m no sex addict but I left my husband of 7yrs due to the simple fact that he wouldn’t give me any love or sex. I enjoy sex very much and love to have it all the time if and only when I am with one person. Sex is highly overrated due to the simple fact of what we have seen and been taught, it can be very passionate no more than eating large amounts of chocolate.

  18. Robynn

    I ended it today with the only Man I ever truly loved. He admitted to being a sex addict a while ago, and said I was his drug. I asked him point blank if he had been seeing someone in particular, and he wouldn’t answer me. He was actually rude with me. I told him today that i never want to talk to him again. I’m beyond hurt! I feel like there’s now a huge void in my life, and i don’t know which direction to take, nor even where to start. We were together just over 8 years. I loved him more than life. He’s hurt me just too many times over the years, and now what do I do? Some advice would be extremely helpful right now.
    I’m really hurting. For me it was a spiritual union, as well as love. Please help?

  19. Charity

    The reason its directed to men and men alone is that its considerd an addiction when it relates to a man …but when it relates to a woman she is considerd a whore… I beleive that sex addiction is equal amoung men and woman…its just looked at differently between men and woman.
    I am addicted to a man who is a sex addict(I guess im kinda like a sex addict but im faithful to him)(him not so much) sex is great im not complaining…but the intemacy is totally lacking as well as self respect and respect for each other.
    We’ve just recently had a child and im concerned for our child if I dont walk away now…how it will affect our child….will or child turn out like one of us???

  20. Diane Crane

    Do we really want to use the word “addiction” when referring to sex? I was always taught that if you use a word too often it escapes into pop culture and loses its impact. Isn’t a true addiction something that involves a physical AND a chemical component? Does a person suffer withdrawal symptoms when they stop having too much sex? Sex is not a drug, it’s a behavior, and should be addressed as such! It’s also an expression of love, not just a biological need or appetite. If you’re overly sensitive to what the boxes are spewing at you all the time, they may talk you into thinking you have an addiction, while what you really have is an OBSESSION.

  21. Saz

    I’m with a porn addict,found out when it was too late 🙁
    What (psychic) advice do u have for me? I haven’t been in denial at all,as i found out how deep & far back his addiction went, i researched everything on it and the personality disorders that are a side-effect. I still get lies when i confront him. He’s told me he wants 2 change & get help dozens of times but it never truely happend.
    Now i’m in a state of deep depression coz there is no escape from his madness. If he’s not cheating with porn than he betrays me by cyber-flirting & flirting in real life, as well as talking inappropriately with other people about sexual related things.
    Then i get blamed for all his wrong-doings & put down. He tells me i’m jealous when i’m really NOT a jealous person! He complains i don’t clean up after HIM just coz he”let’s” me live with him & i made it clear that i wont be his slave if he can’t even say thanx or show some appreciation! He even complains about having to buy food for me & i barely eat 1 meal a day as it is coz of him. I sacrificed everything for him, for love & this is how he repays me.
    I’m not a co-dependent- i just love him & want him to want help!
    I’m in no way an enabler coz i don’t turn a blind eye, or make him betray me. He’s responsible for his own actions & was an addict LONG b4 he ever knew me!
    I don’t believe u have to lose everything to finally wake-up& that means i’d be losing more if it comes to that. I think he’s in too deep to wake-up even if i leave him, he’ll just see it as “freedom” to do as he pleases without hiding or lying or having to face me when i confront him.

    I spoke to a california psychic in june 2010 when all this pretty much came out in the open, and she told me we’re soulmates & will get married & live happily ever after. She never told me things would get worse, that our engagement would be called off etc
    I really need some psychic insight, not quotes & theories from psychology textbooks.
    Plz help me!!

  22. Mark Taylor UK

    Why is it always deemed the man is the bad guy? I do sometimes wonder if this site has a lot of females who have had bad experiences!!! Men have them too! However the article is written well and is intelligent and informative. Thank you.

  23. RVG

    I try to read most articles from CalPsy whe they appeal to me.
    I have a concern about this topic from today- Sex addicts.

    While your intent was to write an informative and mature article, your outrageous and over obvious bent and bias, towards making the MALE the addict, is insulting, imbalanced and poor journalism.

    How dare every reference be made to “HIM” “HE” “HIS” etc?
    Get the heck off the gender bias and the poor, abused and unfortunate little girl attitude.
    There are addicts in BOTH sexes! (I know of at least Two women that fit the bill exactly)

    You owe the reading public an apology and a CORRECTION

    Be a professional –or be quiet.
    Thank you

  24. Dianne

    Sexual addiction…I can tell you by experience to get out when you first realize they may have this problem. I met a man who I feel in love with the moment I saw him. We dated 3 years and all along I felt there was a problem with a sexual addiction. I became that person who loved him so much that I tried to “fix” him or help him fix his self. WRONG….LOL. After dating for those three year we were married. This was no quickie marriage. I am Catholic and there was a process of annulments and pre-cana..etc. We were married 18 months when he walked out saying that being married he was unable to do all the sexual addctive things he had done when we lived apart and he was chosing to go back to that behavior. I trusted him, I stood beside him, I did everything I could to help the situation. The only way the situation changes is if they wan it to change, although he told me that for 5 years, that he wanted to change. Turns out he lost his job because they caught him video taping women in the restroom. After he left I closely looked into his computer and found that he had video camed us in our bedroom during private times. OMG…and he sold the videos. Well it has been 8 months since he left and I have had to under go weekly counseling, the financial strain and the embarrassment after TRUSTING him. GET OUT of the relationship if you suspect a sexual addiction!!!!! Everything in this article is true.

  25. Jesus

    What do I need to do about the situation cuz I just got done talking about it lastnight it’s a really hard & bad time rite now.

  26. Chris G, Coffey

    I know I’m a sex addict I’ve had several girls at me workplace. I don’t need to feel anything other than the urge to have sex. I change parteners often. I was put on probation at my work for yet another affair. It doesn’t even matter what they look like. The one I’m with now is far from being a pretty girl. But I lost my home and everything I’ve worked for all my life and my common-law partenet of 7 and a half years. So I’m now living with my girlfriend/co-worker. She got fired from where we I work. I know I have no self control. I shamed my kids, my common-law partener, my parents, and I have torn a lot of families and ruined a lot of relationships for other people. I don’t see the damage I’ve done until its to late. Please get a hold of me and tell me what and where i can go for help.


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