You meet them on a Friday night. They seem well intentioned, but teeming with expectation. They hang around a little too long, or try just a little too hard to get your attention. They don’t seem to notice or care if you seem interested in their friend. They share too much detail about themselves – particularly the scandalous details – in some sort of misguided effort to impress. Put simply, they’re desperate, and it’s not pretty. Can you count yourself among them?
It’s easy to understand how we all wind up feeling desperate sometimes. After all, dating is no easy game. It can inspire insecurities even in the most self-assured, especially when you’re at anything shy of your absolute best. Had a rough day at work? You wish there were someone special to come home to. Ditched by a friend on a Friday night? This would be so much easier if you weren’t all alone. The trouble, however, is that these feelings (that we aren’t enough on our own and that somehow, someone else will “complete” us) can lead us to settle for someone who isn’t particularly special – or if nothing else, just not right for us. Here are three signs that you’re desperate, and what to do to change that – for good!
You Assess Everyone You Meet
If you find yourself sizing up everyone you meet as a potential partner – whether they’re available or not – you need to take a step back. Going after someone else’s guy or girl is a dangerous game, no matter how much you tell yourself you have in common. And even if someone is single, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a potential match. There has to be mutual interest, a hint of chemistry and at least a few things in common.
The bottom line is that if you’re casting your net for anyone willing to jump in, odds are you’re going to attract some sharks. And even if the fish you catch aren’t exactly predatory, there’s no doubt they’ll mirror your motivations (insecurity), which has a way of making people bring out the worst in each other.
Instead of hoping everyone might be the one, learn to distinguish between real potential and your projection. When two people feel a real attraction to each other, they both know it – and you won’t question it. Nor will you have to keep it a secret from anyone (like their significant other or your friends)!
If you adopt a persona when you’re out in the company of those you deem potential partners, it’s a sign there could be a problem. Why? When you pretend to be someone you’re not in hopes of attracting amour, it smacks of desperation. Even if the people you’re talking to don’t instantly see that you’re faking it, they’ll probably sense something is off about you. And on the off chance that you do fool someone into dating this person you’re pretending to be, it’s not really you in the relationship… The two of you will eventually uncover this inconvenient truth (in addition to being caught by them, you will, at some point, find yourself tiring of the charade), and the results may be disastrous. Whether you realize it or not, you’re betraying yourself – and anyone who starts a relationship with you – when you put up a dishonest front.
The bottom line is this case is that you can’t expect to find love when you’re inauthentic. Whether it’s lying about your likes or your life, pretending to be someone you think someone else will want only ensures one thing: You won’t like yourself.
Instead of focusing on wanting a mate (any mate – or just a date!), take some time to figure out what it is that you want in a partner and a relationship. Work on being the person you want to meet rather than becoming someone you’re not.
You Put Finding “The One” Above All Else
If your desire to find “the one” fills your thoughts 24/7, taking precedence over your career, your friendships and your own personal fulfillment outside of a relationship (you know, interests and hobbies), there’s a very good chance you’re putting too much emphasis on it – and coming off as desperate as a result. The bottom line in this case is that the old saying is true: it takes two complete halves to make one good whole. Focus on being fulfilled by the things you can control, and the love you deserve will come to you. Focus on finding love without working on yourself, and you’ll only find someone as incomplete as you are…