6 Things Not to Mention About Your Old Love

Silence of the Exes

We all have a dating history brimming with memories and emotions which we take with us into every new relationship. While it’s important to share yourself with your current partner, there is such a thing as too much information when it comes to past relationships. Here are a few pointers regarding when it’s okay to spill, and when it’s best to keep the lid on.

1. Victim Rants

Nobody likes a “poor me” speech, and no matter how bad the situation may have been with your previous partner, nothing turns a date off faster than airing all your dirty laundry in a whiny and bitter soliloquy. It is good to fill your partner in on elements of your past, but if you just end up sounding spiteful and bitter, revealing an inability to forgive or move on from the situation, your negativity can easily push them away.

2. Bedroom Stories

Whereas sharing bedpost notches and accompanying details with friends is ok, spilling all to the new boyfriend is not. He doesn’t want to hear all about your sexual exploits, imagining you with other men, while possibly feeling threatened about measuring up in the bedroom. While communication between romantic partners is great, this is a topic which needs to be handled with a modicum of sensitivity and discretion.

3. Parental Preference

While your parents may have loved and adored your ex, this is not something you need to announce to your current beau. It will leave him feeling challenged and may give him feelings of inadequacy as he attempts to live up to your ex’s reputation. Naturally you want your parents to like your new guy too, but this can be better achieved if you don’t first poison the well by inadvertently suggesting that he is in competition with the memory of another man.

4. Comparison Commentary

On a similar note, comparing your ex to your current squeeze is always a disaster in waiting. It may be impossible not to, regarding internal dialogues (though too much of that will have you living in the past instead of the present), but by all means keep it confined to your head. There’s nothing worse than being constantly compared to an ex, where everything you do is on display to be judged against an ex’s behavior. Accept the relationship you are in now, for its unique strengths and challenges.

5. Detachment Downtime

If there are still certain lingering memories or feelings from your previous relationship, instead of dumping the baggage on your current relationship, you need to take stock of your heart. Are you truly over your ex? If you are still thinking and feeling about them often, the answer is probably ‘no’. It is best if you can explain this to your current romantic interest and ask for some time apart so you can sort out your feelings. It is much better to focus on closure with your past before moving forward with another person.

6. Making Money a Sore Subject

This broad category includes boasting about an ex’s achievements, earning power, promotions and sterling qualities. While this flattering commentary may be true, sharing this can be emasculating for your new guy. Despite the growing role of women as breadwinners, men still have a huge ego investment in their ability to earn an income. By extolling your ex’s money making skills, your current partner may wonder whether he’s earning enough and perhaps even fret about failing to live up to your financial expectations.

Any happy relationship requires both partners to respect and care for one another, and this includes being considerate of their feelings. Why speak of past partnerships by sharing information that will only harm yours, when instead you can take the knowledge and experience of your past and transfer that wisdom into increasing the success of your new relationship?

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4 thoughts on “6 Things Not to Mention About Your Old Love

  1. dreamlady11

    This is a great article.

    My last relationship fell completely apart for all the reason mentioned above. I sent this link to my ex, so that maybe he could understand my position on this. From day one he talked about his past (x’s). He was still angry with the most recent one. I asked he wanted sometime to heal and he said he was over her, but continued to talk about her. He mentioned sex, her x husband, her kids, her boyfriend, their wedding. You name it, he told me about it. He also told me about 6 other women he dated over the years and how a few may have interfered with his last relationship. He also told me which one his dad loved and who his mom could not stand. When I met his sister and brother-in law and I asked what they thought of me. His respond was they like you, but they could no stand (so-in-so) and he talked about her for 20 mins until I said (time out).

    Two weeks into our relationship, I met his mom. While visiting his mom he went to bring me a picture to show me his ex-wife. He mom stopped him and asked do you like this new lady in your life? He said yes, then she said well you make her (me) a priority in your conversations and let your past remain in your past. This is a sample of only 15% of what I experienced during our 7 mth relationship. It was horrible because this guy was kind and could be very nice. But this non-stop talking about the past turned me off. Two months in, I had a heart to heart talk with him and said it is going to destroy what we have, but he could not stop any longer than 3 weeks.

    Now today, I am the blame for all our problems. I am insecure and do not trust him. My lack of trust he says destroyed a PERFECT RELATIONSHIP! He still does not get it. Friends have told him, no women will trust you when you keep reliving your past over and over again.

    Did not mean to drag on, but this his home with me.

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  3. Jacqueline

    Hi Alina,
    Fabulous article…. In regarding number 4, Comparison Commentary, one point I would love to add, is with in every relationship there are issues, its just a matter of what issues you choose you can and cannot deal with.

    The greatest reward one can have is to work through the issues (if worth working out, yes pick your battles) that come up in your relationship, the result could be so fulfilling, sometimes it can be more beneficial to face the issues work through them, than it is to quit, go to the next relationship only to find there are issues there too.

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

  4. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Another good article…..

    Somebody who is still ranting over their past ( tip #1 ) hasn’t learned or gained much from their experiences…..any bitterness needs to be addressed seriously, maybe even thru counseling if need be, because the sooner one puts the past in the right perspective, the sooner they can go on to find real happiness with another.

    As far as tip # 5 , detachment downtime, …..
    I’ve read for many people over the years who literally jump from relationship to relationship without giving themselves time to heal. You cannot be successful in starting a new relationship if you are still clinging to the old relationship…it’s not fair to the new person and it also isn’t fair to you. Deal with the lingering emotions from the past first, before you seek out new emotional happiness.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500


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