10 Ways to Spot a Tool

I bet that everyone knows at least one guy, who seems to be such a nice guy… on the surface, that is. In reality he is a selfish jerk, who tends to make you feel bad. A truly nice guy is generally consistently helpful, without expecting payment in return; is reliable, loyal, has a high sense of integrity, a great heart and just makes you feel happy for having him in his life. Because of this, they are generally liked by everyone and have a wide variety of people they get along with.

Now, let’s move to the closet jerk. Closet jerks always appear to be nice. Of course, they don’t share a whole lot about themselves with others, they tend to be kind of anti-social, are usually self-centered and shine by being victims, angry or so disappointed. Here is how one can spot a closet jerk:

  1. They tell you they are nice guys and blame their shortcomings on being nice! The closet jerk will whine and complain about having been cheated on and left and he can’t understand why. No woman really understands them, and the only reason they are so lonely is because they are such nice guys!
  2. They will fix whatever is broken on your car or home, when “they have a chance.” Which is never. Their own projects and activities tend to come first. Which brings us to number 3.
  3. They are selfish. And then claim that they are selfish because they have been used so many times. Either way, they will justify why they can’t accompany you, spend time with you, or help you out when you need it.
  4. They make you feel guilty, by being in a bad mood or having a bad attitude if they do accompany to a thing you wanted to do. They will show up to help out, while complaining about how hard they are working, that it was too hot, too cold, and how they worked harder than everyone else.
  5. The closet jerk needs to make himself sound great. Because they usually lack self-confidence, they’ll manage to throw in little tidbits that make them sound awesome. This includes their salary, a title, expensive toys, etc.
  6. They can only function in one type of environment. Chances are, the few friends they do still have, have been around for too many years to really care. Especially pay attention to those guys who hang out in sub-cultures, or scenes that are unconventional. They generally have no variety of friends, but only hang with people from the same clique/group they have been hanging out in since they were teenagers.
  7. They are stuck being a boy. Those guys have a tendency to go on about the “good old times,” and because they never changed scenes or environments, they never grew emotionally and spiritually.
  8. Their past relationships have predominantly been with psychos or considerably younger girls. This is because closet jerks need to appear as saviors and heroes. They need to be admired, they need someone who makes them look good and cannot form meaningful or deep relationships with anyone who is genuine and real.
  9. They are judgmental and have a sense of superiority. They go on and on about having been bullied or judged when they were younger and now they do the same to anyone who doesn’t fit the exact mold they have created. Of course, the mold is usually based on superficial things, i.e. hair color, style and so on.
  10. They are just not fun to be around. Once the “nice guy” shell falls off and you are stuck spending time with them, you find that you feel just as miserable as they do. They tend to be downers and are dangerously unaware. Because in their heads they are nice guys!

What do you think – what’s the best way to spot a closet jerk?

12 thoughts on “10 Ways to Spot a Tool

  1. donna

    Hi Karen;
    At least she is deaf and does not have to hear him. Just and I am you are better off with out the jerk.

    No matter what I did it was never enought. I bought and paid for a cruise for 5 person cruise to Alaska. During the cruise all he could do was bitch. I am serious. There was no bill or anything, out of my earnings, I paid cash, and all he could do was bitch.

    He has serious problems, our divorce had not even went to court and he moved in this woman. He is now living off her because for some reason he cannot make it on his own. Even though I bought him his business and built mine from scratch. When my business was down to nothing, because the economy dropped out, he dropped out of my life after 20 years and all the money and work, he used it all up. Having him gone is a blessing and I am lucky to be done with him. These are not men they are unconcious victims of themselves, in a world with no victims.

    Best of lucky to you and you deserve better. You know you do.

    Reply
  2. Karen Shaffer-Allerton

    I too, dated a closet jerk..Everything I mean everything that was stated in the article is true. He was around me for 10 years. But when I lost my job it wasn’t too many months later when he was gone. AFTER 10 years and couldn’t find it to help me. He too, made promises that he never kept. Everyone who didn’t know the “real” person thought he was the nicest guy there was. A real catch! If you like sharks…

    I don’t know how many times I heard “I ruined HIS vacation” because of my work schedule. They are manipulative, emotionally abusive and will drive you to do things and say things that you never imagined you were capable of saying to anyone. It’s all about them…

    If you are a fixer, a nurturer or a giving person please pay close attention to this if you suspect you are in a relationship is a closet jerk–there is no long term commitment and you will be heart broken. Your friends will probably pick up on it before you, so listen to them. If you had self-esteem going into a relationship with a closet jerk, you won’t have it for long. Believe Me, after almost 2 years of being away from this person, I hate to admit, I sometimes feel it would nice to have him back around, but this article opened my eyes wide open and I’m grateful for finally realizing who and what he was about.

    They do need to feel superior and needed. After only a few months of being broken up, the closet jerk I was with started dating a women who is deaf and on disability – Why he feels that he is needed and feels superior over her. Sad but true. I have never read such a straight forward article describing this type of person before. So yes I too, am going to print this off and keep it. Thank You Carmen!

    Reply
  3. donna

    Wow, I wish I would have had that list 20 years ago. It would have saved my shattered heart and destroyed family. The man I married, it was every woman in his life caused him this problem or that problem, whine whine whine. Now, I bought and paid to put him into his own business, I earned over 100K per year while my daughter came with me to my own small business. He would have out bursts and yell, and it did not matter where we were at, who was around. He got off on making me feel bad. He is definately a jerk, now that the Divorce is over, I constantly tell him what kind of mean person he was to live with. We are not even divorce, and his is shaked up with a woman, whom he had an affair with while we were married. The longer the affair went on the meaner he was. Oh, ya I forgot, that was my fault too…..NOT! Anyone who says that, thinks that, or anything to blame the spouse who was abused by a cheating jerk, must have cheated on their spouse or significant other. Guilty concious cover it all. Guess, what the girl friend is someone he knew when he was 16….high school…that is where he grew right back to high school.

    At least I found out while I am still young enough to make a big difference for my little girl, and I did not end up with a life sentance to and abusive jerk. I was saved by my soul family, in the form of a very explicit vision, I will be forever grateful to them.

    Reply
  4. pja817

    Wish I had known this before I married my ex-husband! He fit every single one of these ten points. Here’s another clue I discovered: If you think you have found a “hidden treasure” of a man, it’s more likely you’ve got a closet jerk. There is a reason he hasn’t been married or in a long-term relationship before – he’s too in love with himself to have anything left for anyone else. And no amount of love and support will ever help him realize his “true potential”, because it is just a facade he puts on to hide the fact that he is immature and selfish and likes it that way. If you are a caring, giving nurturer you are especially at risk of falling for a closet jerk. Everything Carmen wrote is true, so ladies, print and keep a copy of this checklist close at hand – I certainly plan to!

    Reply
  5. donnacarla

    Thank you for shedding light on my past relationship. I too must have been in a negative place to choose that partner and that path. You explained it so clearly and you covered aspects that I had forgotten about. Wow what a lightbulb moment. May other people just like me learn to recognise our own needs and weaknesses. May we break some of our old habits so that none of us choose partners that spiral us inwards but rather partners who encourage, love, honour and enrich our lives. Thank you for helping make my future a more positive one.

    Reply
  6. Pingback: 10 Ways to Jerk-Proof Your Life | California Psychics Blog

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  8. Jacqueline

    Wow Carmen very informative article,
    You made very good points to look out for, it is so easy to fall in this cycle of being involved with a jerk….they are so good at manipulating, next thing you know it you are hooked.

    I have seen where these rules can and do apply to woman as well, Jerks come in all kinds of shapes, sizes.

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  9. Carmen Hexe

    Hallo Maedels 🙂

    Thanks for the advice to both of you. Gladly, I have left the closet jerks behind and found myself a good guy, which I married.

    I know how to spot them, because I used to date them. Now I can identify them right away and see them coming. Luckily, none of my friends are with any of these guys.

    Reply
  10. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Carmen,

    And these types will usually only stay with a woman, or man, whom they can dominate and control thru guilt and manipulation……if married, these types can be mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically abusive.
    When something goes wrong, I assure you, it will be YOUR fault…it will never be their fault. they start sentences out with ” YOU made me feel this way, or yOU made me do that”.

    If you have one of these types…..dump him….or her. You don’t want to be a Mommy ( or Daddy), a counselor, or a banker to these types. you want a real team-player and partner…….somebody who will pull their weight in the relationship.

    I’ve seen both men AND women fit this type.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  11. misskrystalmisskrystal

    This is great! wonderful article. Thanks, Carmen. Schmutz! lol
    You are truly talented. If anyone wants to get an “edge” on the jerks around you, please give me a call.
    I definitely know what their “next” move will be-And I can prepare you……Whether you want them out of your life, or, just need to know how to “cope” with them around you, it will be my pleasure to assist you.
    Don’t let a jerk ruffle your feathers…And print and save this article. As Carmen has done such a wonderful job, as usual….Auf Wiedersehen
    Miss Krystal

    Reply

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