On paper, I had every reason to panic! It was my 35th birthday and for the last six months I would wake up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding in my chest, “Where is my husband? Where is our family? Why have I been alone for so long?” And then I would repeat mantras, meditate, drink a glass of water and go back to sleep.
And, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t out there looking. I went on more online dates than anyone I know. I convinced other people to join websites who are now married to people they met online. And I had tried everything. I dated against my type, someone from another ethnicity, different religion, divorced, had kids, you name it, I tried it! But over and over, I just didn’t feel that thing I knew my friends felt for their partners.
And so, another year of dating, working and generally cheerleading myself through life was over and I felt lower and more hopeless than ever. What was I doing wrong? I started searching for jobs in other cities, even other fields. I thought maybe if I just changed everything about my life, I would fall into a different one. I needed some hope, big time. So, I decided to do something I had never done before. I decided to talk to psychic until all my questions were answered. I figured I would either hear a bunch of stuff I knew was wrong and say, see, psychics are all nuts! Or I would get some answers.
Armed with questions
I have a tendency to become a deer in headlights during important conversations. And I knew that the information I wanted was really intimate which meant chances are I would want to chicken out. So I wrote out my questions while waiting for my callback from Michael ext. 9604. Will my parents play with my children? Am I working in the right field? Why do I feel so homesick? Then in my typical Type-A behavior, I explained that I had questions and I proceeded to read them all, as soon as he was on the line. I waited, pen in hand, to take notes.
Answers as experiences
Michael’s talent is seeing pictures of things in your life and being able to describe them. So Michael described the house I am going to live in one day with my husband and our family! As he walked me through the layout and the furniture I had a feeling in my chest of actually having a family. And as Michael went on to describe my home, with the phone against my ear I turned my head to my vision board on my wall. He was describing things on my vision board! The things I wanted for myself, he was seeing in his pictures for me. He described so much, I could barely write it all down. He told me that one day I was going to move back to my hometown. That’s why I felt homesick. He suggested literally bringing back a piece of my childhood home – a red brick (my parents live in a brick house) – with me to ease my homesickness until the time was right to make a move.
Life as a continuum
As the call went on, I realized that the things I want in my life are actually a part of who I am already. I was born to be a mother, a wife, to make a home with others. That’s why I am lonely living alone. I feel better in a house full of people. So I can’t “miss out” on having a family because it’s something I will attract to myself simply because of who I am. As Michael kept talking, it felt like I was re-reading a good book from my childhood. I didn’t know all the details, but it was familiar, like I had known it all along. Perhaps my longing is simply making room for the next phase of my life.
A sense of relief
Since the phone call on my birthday, I have felt a complete relief from jealousy of others. I had no idea it was the source of so much pain. I would look around and see how everyone else seemed to effortlessly find their partner in life and feel even more hopeless. My jealousy was disguised as self-pity. But now that I realize my path has its own timeline and I am not going to “miss out” on anything, I feel a great happiness toward everyone around me. And I am savoring my autonomy. Because that feeling of having children made me realize that maybe I am supposed to enjoy every moment before they come into my life. So, sleeping in on a Saturday, making last minute plans with friends, deciding to do the laundry tomorrow, all luxuries of being 35 and loving my full abundant life. The life I have right now – exactly where I am.
I have felt such deep satisfaction since the call, no matter what the future brings, it was worth it. It has had its own energy all my life. I have a path that is uniquely mine. Who knows? Maybe it was the script I agreed to before coming into this life. Not everything Michael told me was good. But, that’s okay too. Life is full and that means you get some of everything.
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