Sex Q&A: Kisses and Nothing More

hamlin27 said…

My partner refuses to have any sexual contact and will only kiss on the cheek. He rarely hugs me, however in other ways he makes time for me and we have shared values etc. I find this very difficult as I know I’d struggle to find someone as compatible on a daily basis, but it is painful without any physical intimacy. On occasions if he has thought I may leave him he will try, but it’s as though it’s a peace offering.

Dear hamlin27,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is one in which many people can relate to. You see, Hamlin, your partner is not your partner in a romantic sense. You choose to define the relationship this way, as you have certain hopes and aspirations. However, what you have with this person is a roommate and a dear friend, and little more.

You and this man do share a value system, a similar wave length of understanding, and on that level you mesh very well. But commonalities like these alone aren’t enough to build a solid relationship over time. Some want to believe that love or, erotic attraction will come later, but this is a myth based on some very understandable wishful thinking. You and your partner remain where you are with one another due to fear and not for any other reason. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over with another. Fear of change and alteration. But I sense that you are strong and you can break this cycle.

I feel in your case, that your partner has issues with his desire for you. But you have to understand, this is in no way a reflection on your attractiveness or sexual appeal as an individual. Sexual desire is a very murky jungle, flushed with the heat of conquest and surrender, not a place easily understood or explained. But for a relationship to thrive “it” has to be there. Without “it” our relationships have precious little. You may feel rejected which is a natural reaction based on natural principals. Allow yourself to feel the sting of this. Don’t repress it. Believe it or not, it will pass with time and you will be better for having dealt with it head on.

I recommend some form of counseling. You need guidance and purging. And you need to consider your options for moving on. The situation has decimated your self esteem as a sexual being and devalued you as a human being. Self deception has many victims, and in this case, you are one of the unfortunate sacrifices.

Your partner knows of your torment and yet, has he ever once considered letting you go to find happiness with another? It may be a bitter pill to swallow but if his love for you was genuine, it would outweigh his fear of being alone. He would want what was pleasurable and best for you. Instead, he throws you a bone — a forced peace offering. That is not real love, Hamlin. Break the cycle. Rise and fight for what you deserve.

Be well,

Liam ext. 9290

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