I have changed physically for the worse (I’m very overweight because of ill health and medication). My husband works all the time on his new business, and when he comes home he falls asleep downstairs while I’m upstairs in bed. Also, my 12 year old daughter insists on sleeping with me. I’ve stopped asking for sex. I feel humiliated having to ask for it, or even bringing up the subject, but feel our youth (we are both 39) is slipping away. He may be able to relieve himself by masturbating (which he never owns up to). I’m stuck because of my daughter and I’m very frustrated.
Thank you for sharing this heart-wrenching situation. You and your husband have come to an age in life and a place in your relationship where sexual tastes and appetites are often redefined … sometimes quite drastically. In your case, this natural process is exacerbated by many other factors which makes a tense situation even more stressful. I sense that there were actually several problem areas in your relationship prior to this which have layered themselves over time, adding pressure to an already vulnerable position. You must understand there is no quick remedy for a relationship that was fundamentally flawed. You and your husband have always lacked sensuality. When we are young Nature endows us with a rather frantic desire for procreation and true sensuality is often sacrificed for the sake of that youthful endeavor.
With age we come to understand slower, more relaxed, yet more passionate forms of living in sensuality, and our sexual response becomes more potent by a honing of the appetites and senses. However, if you have no sensual understanding of either yourself or your lover, then when the flower begins to fade…so will your sex life. Combine this issue with the others you describe and there is suddenly much more than just a minor problem.
First, you must address some issues with your doctor. Whatever your condition or medication, I cannot believe any doctor would consider significant weight gain a good thing. Many medications do have this sort of side effect and there is generally a plan or formula for assistance in this area. Until you are healthier physically there is little that can be done to move forward. Second, march your daughter out of your bed and into her own room. She has many of her own issues and might benefit from counseling. Lastly you must learn to live more sensually. Forget sex altogether at this point… It is too riddled with anxiety for you and will return naturally when all the sub-layers are in place. You might start with food, as fine healthy cuisine is a cornerstone of sensual living.
Gardening is another idea, even if it’s just a tiny herb garden. Explore Nature and outdoor activities. Both you and your spouse are very detached from your elemental roots, and this is causing a disturbing block of energies. Indulge your senses… Build, and experience. It will take time, but we must rebuild a foundation which was shaky to begin with. No matter, you get some counseling for that self esteem of yours. You did not choose to become ill. Stop blaming yourself and you will find life again, Carra. There is nothing to fear.
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