Sex Q&A: Her Girlfriend is Her True Love

Julie writes:

Hi Liam,

First off, I just way to say I really enjoy your posts! They are always very insightful and seem spot on. I have just recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend and feel a huge sense of relief. I have never been able to get over my ex-girlfriend. We broke up about three years ago. I feel she is my true love. My soulmate/twin flame. I have always felt that we would be together again when she was ready to work past her issues (primarily intimacy and commitment).

I know she is currently seeing someone, but feel that she often thinks about me, and have been told by other psychics that she yearns for me, but isn’t ready for what our relationship would take. My dilemma is, I don’t want to hold myself back from potentially finding happiness with another partner, but in my heart of hearts know that she is ‘the one.’ I want to believe that we have a future, but I’m not totally sure this is realistic?


I thank you, Julie, for saying such kind things about my columns and for sharing this situation. I need you to try to move beyond your preconceived ideals and notions of romantic entitlement as we go forward here. In the game of love, sugar-coated formulas work only to smooth a temporary balm over the wounds of rejection and loneliness that come with our losses and defeats. For a while they make us feels better, but then we never learn from pain … or listen to our instincts. We become unconnected not only to our inner selves, but to the true realities of the natural erotic realms. Yes, Julie, love does exist … But you must dispense with notions of ‘the one,’ if you want to experience it.

True love is a violent force, not to be underestimated and difficult to define. You believe you have tasted it, but from what I see looking at your situation, it has never yet brushed your lips. What you feel for your former girlfriend is a longing — a very natural, very human desperation. Unfortunately, you have come to idealize this relationship so that you are no longer able to see this woman for who she truly is. You drape her in the clothing of your own images and needs while ignoring the vitality of her Self. Please look at your own words very closely.

You say she has commitment issues, intimacy issues … yet, she is committed to, and is intimate with someone other than yourself. You decided she has these issues in order to explain why she is not with you. You do not accept her true nature, and I sense that she knows you won’t. In all this self-deception you are blocking yourself from other people — from real and true love that I see waiting for you to open to it. I sense you have reasons for this avoidance. I sense that you fear the real deal. You know your passions and how deeply you could fall. True love is dangerous. It’s perilous and demands risk. It can make us do crazy things — even sacrifice everything for what seems like a totally absurd venture.

You are blocking a lot by living with your obsession. But, I feel that inside, deep down, you want to be realistic. So, be realistic and open yourself up to real pain and real beauty. Buy some classical fairy tale books because you will learn more about the perils and pleasures of love from the Brother’s Grimm than you will from any New Age author. There is love in the world, Julie. Magical and mystical. But love is always natural … always potent … and always, very real.

Be well,


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