Sex Q&A: My Ex Keeps Hitting On Me

Tina R. writes:

I am a 45-year-old women whose 48-year-old husband left me for a younger woman (she’s 28). They live together now, but the ex and I have to see each other often to deal with childcare issues. Thing is, he keeps hitting on me. He even asked if I’d like him to spend the night now and again. I haven’t answered him yet. I’m tempted to let him, though I am not sure why. If I was so lousy to be with, and the girlfriend is so sexy, why is he trying to get back in bed with me? Should I sleep with him? Any chance we could get back together?

Greetings Tina,

When married people share the same bed for a number of years, there is a territorial vibe to that relationship, a ‘claiming’ of that other person as one’s own. You become part of the composition of one another’s identity. When breakups happen, one of the most difficult things for people to accept is that their deep, empty feeling of loss is often not actually for the missing partner, but that lost territory.

I see that your desire to resume a physical relationship with your ex is so baffling to you because you are well aware that you no longer love him or want him in your life. Many women in your position would foolishly claim to still ‘have feelings’ for their ex, when in reality what they want is the opportunity reclaim lost territory.

I urge you to be cautious, however you handle this. I sense that when the two of you were married, your sex life was mediocre at best. Should you choose to act on your desire to reconnect with him that way, the sex would likely be much more pleasurable since sex with the ex is a taboo. But, I must warn you, he’s as selfish in bed now as he was then, and the novelty will quickly wear off. My advice is to consider this before you make a decision. There are better things on the horizon for you than retuning to this man, even briefly.

Be well.


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