Sex Q&A: How to Get Them to Slow Down

Carrie wrote:

My first real sexual experiences were with a man much older than myself. The sex was great, but we just weren’t compatible in other areas, so I moved on. I haven’t had any problem finding partners my own age that I have more in common with, but now the sex issue seems to be off for some reason. I don’t know how to ask them to slow down. Is there something wrong with me that I need a little more warm-up time and at least some come-down cuddling? Will I ever find the perfect balance or should I just accept that younger guys aren’t into that stuff?

Dear Carrie,

It seems you’ve had a sexual education that puts you ahead of the curve. Unfortunately, the kind of extended lovemaking you were schooled in is more of a romantic ideal than a practiced fact. As you already seem to know, sex can be far more than just penetration and climax.

To begin to remedy this situation, accept that you are going to have to educate those less knowledgeable than yourself — yet, fear not, there are willing pupils among men of any age. To be the most effective teacher, show, don’t tell. So, if things are moving too fast, then you slow them down. Take charge. Suggest taking a bath or shower together or simply guide your lover’s caresses with your own hands. Let him know by both sound and movement that a slower pace feels so much better, that long kisses make you melt. Touch him the way you want to be touched and he will unconsciously mimic what you do.

As for afterwards, this can be a sensitive subject because the whole cuddling business is so clichéd that some people are afraid to even mention it. Sharing this dynamic state is a powerful experience that often leads to deep bonding, so again, show him what you want. If you want to be cuddled, cuddle him first. If he turns away for a quick nap, wrap your arms and legs around his body without demanding that he do anything in return. Just don’t fear taking the initiative. If he rejects the notion of after play, you don’t need to waste your time with this person. If he’s a child in the bedroom, he’ll be one out of it, and you deserve better.



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