Relationships always take work and sometimes the effort may seem one sided. This can even be the case in a sexual relationship and this could mean many things. Liam dives right into this and explains what truly may be happening in these cases.
Weighing the Pros and the Cons
Jill from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania asks:
Over the past few years I’ve been “with” a man who plays by his own rules, if you will. He comes on strong, even goes out of his way for me at times. But whenever I ask for something, even if it’s just spending time together, he will tell me yes, and then when it comes down to the actual event, he changes his plans or mind, sometimes going as far as avoiding me altogether. Then, out of the blue, there he is again, playing it as if nothing were wrong. If I ask what happened, he makes (in my opinion) excuses for his turnaround, leaving me wondering why he’s even bothering with me at all. Help! If you are having trouble in a relationship and need some advice, contact one of our psychics today!
Greetings, Jill. I think so often we become so enamored of the rules of propriety that we blind ourselves to the innate cruelty of nature pounding at the heart of the sex act. Our relationships are constructs and fortifications, plaintive attempts to control and subdue the raw power of our carnal selves. No matter how we try to shine it up, all human interactions are about power and control, and all acts of love and sex are, at the very root, about violence, dominance and submission… Pleasure and pain… There is little about any human interaction that is not opportunistic, no matter what pie in the sky outlook we prefer to take. No doubt there are many who read your question and went tsk-tsking away at yet another silly woman wasting her time with a man who is no damn good. But if we truly examine any romantic relationship, any place where sex resides at the foundation of established social pattern, we will find the riveting wilderness of sadism and masochism. Camille Paglia was correct in her assertions, and how foolish are those who do not take heed…
Your man enjoys you very much. He finds this little game he plays with you intensely erotic. In his courtship of you, he takes on the role of jester, madcap and wild, roving about through the forests and glens, from village to village. But there is a touch of the harlequin in every jester. A little bit of the devil’s messenger. And so often he is a lord of more sadistic than silly intentions. You are a woman of such seeming rigidity; so formal, so well respected. How could he not enjoy tormenting you with his control games, making plans and breaking them; breaking your heart only then to have you open the bedroom door, remove your clothing, and submit to his every whim? What an erotic power rush for him! Your every submission only begs further psychological dominance and tender abuse. Every time you allow him access to your body, you validate his control over your mind. Though you certainly seem upset, frustrated, and fed up, he knows as I know that really you sort of enjoy this treatment. You enjoy relenting to this naughty midnight rover with his devil-may-care ways. It’s an old story and nothing to be ashamed of despite what the current crowd might babble on about in protest. Degradation can fulfill a deep-seated need. Like dominance, it is an innate factor in human sexuality. We tend to try to hide this fact from ourselves in our sterile quest for a “healthy” and “normal” pair bonding. Alas, how often it is that we miss the beauty that lies in corruption.
It’s a conflict we all face in modern culture. What we truly desire versus what society says we “should” want. Do yourself a favor and go with what you really want… unless of course it’s going to get you arrested or killed. As for your relationship with this man, I’d advise that you start doing some really honest soul searching. If you find you like giving him so much control over you, if his devaluation of your relationship seems an integral part of the roles you play in the love you make, then stop fretting and go with it. If, instead, it really bothers you… If it makes you feel worse instead of better… then for heaven’s sake just get rid of him. There’s a way to break cycles of emotion and erotic addictions so that you can get on with your life. To override the scripts you’ve been playing subconsciously with this man, you might consider seeking out an actual BDSM experience with a well-schooled partner who can help you consciously experience being submissive and controlled without subjecting yourself to the hypocrisy and games your lover likes to play. With the right guidance, such an attempt would release you from the power bond this man has formed with you and set you free to enjoy this part of yourself without remorse. Whatever you decide to do from here, I caution you to remember… you will not change this man. He enjoys his role, and if he can’t have you to toy with, there are many others who would gladly take your place. So make your choice.
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