Sex Q&A: In Love vs. Just Having Sex

Jerromy from Akron, Ohio asks:

What does it mean when you’re in love with a girl, but you’re having a sexual relationship with another? Is it wrong?

Liam’s Response:

Well, Jerromy, it’s problematic enough to prescribe notions of good and evil to pretty much any factor of our existence, let alone trying to do so with something as mystical and complicated as love and sex. Our deepest levels of erotic bonding shouldn’t be defined in such limiting terms. Our hearts and bodies and spirits are so complex and magnificent, how can anyone hope to contain them within the boundaries of such sanctimonious standards? Myth, legend, even history itself all give ancient warnings about indulging in such foolishness. We humans have an astounding capacity to experience love and sex on all sorts of levels. The first thing you have to do is actually understand your dilemma and dispense with notions of right or wrong.

You ask what it means when you are in love with one woman but have sex with another and essentially I hear you describing two different mating bonds, with different value placements and desire levels. Regardless of gender, humans aren’t generally hardwired for sexual monogamy. And if you don’t want to believe the cold hard scientific facts, then just take a look at the antics of your best friend or the next door neighbors—or yourself for that matter. Given the right set of circumstances most of us will succumb to temptation with relish however much we protest to the contrary. Still, let’s not be hasty and wave off your particular dalliance just yet.

What I was speaking of a moment ago pertains to natural proclivities and individual taste. By no means would I ever advise you to curb your natural desires. But personally, I don’t think you’re being realistic about your ability to maintain such a course over time. For some, the need for exploration and freedom is so profound that they bravely push into realms of absolute honesty with themselves and all their potential partners. They cultivate open relationships with no bull allowed. Others, enjoying the nectar of the forbidden and elements of risk, take to the shadows, leading delicious double lives.

But you don’t seem to fit into either category. You are neither free and honest, nor sophisticated and cunning. In fact, with all due respect, I’m not sure you even know what you want. You take no responsibility for your actions or their outcomes. A man who loves in the shadows must always be prepared for danger and a man of honesty must be ready to do something even more frightening and talk to his lover about his varying sexual needs. Search your heart, my friend. Something bothers you about this situation and I don’t think it has anything to do with morality or ethics. I think it has to do with your own sense of who you are and the very real potential for hurting a dear friend who puts a lot of trust in you. I advise you to do some serious soul-searching before you continue down this path. The truth, as always, lies within.


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7 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: In Love vs. Just Having Sex

  1. Chrissi

    I can see one other problem here- if you made the wrong choice- it may be years down the line before it becomes apparent, I met someone when I was young and extremely immature- we fell in love but we split up, mainly because, although I wasn’t physically unfaithful, I wanted to go places he didn’t so I let other guys take me-even though nothing actually happened, he lost trust in me and so was married to someone else- and although it broke my heart at the time, I didn’t fight it as I thought he no longer wanted to be with me years later I married too but when I heard he died and to his dying day had still loved me, realised I don’t love my husband- I care deeply about him, but the feelings I should have aren’t there-I know I won’t stray, it would hurt him too much and I have a son- but in my heart I know that had we ever met up again I would have left without even a backwards look- so make sure, very sure of your choices before you make them- and always think before you act in case it comes to bite you years later when you have forgotten about it

  2. Linda

    Jerromy, you have had some good advice here. May I add my 10 cents worth?
    You asked if what you are doing is wrong. Do you really have to ask?

    I was married to a guy who I loved very much. He loved and adored me, also.
    Everything about our relationship was perfect. We “fit like a glove.” UNTIL…

    I found out (accidentally), that he was having sex with others when he was out of
    town. He swore they meant nothing to him…they were “just sex”, but my trust
    for him went out the window. There is no other betrayal worse than that, (as far
    as I’m concerned). I gave him another chance, and found out he was still doing it.
    Now he is my ex.

    Before this response gets too winded, let me tell you this…if you love this girl, you had
    better decide to either stick with her, and only her…or leave her if you want multiple
    partners. If you get caught…and you will eventually…be prepared to see the devastation
    that such an action can bring to your beloved.

    If you REALLY love her, don’t take the chance of breaking her heart to the point of
    no return. If you can’t control your urges, I suggest you stay uncommitted until you can.

  3. Betty Call

    I sent in a message 15 min. ago stating I have no money. I need my stty to call
    and say hfe will send me some money. 3 Yrs ago I got run over by another tractor=trailer
    and now I have a cyst on my spine, gottta have surgery, and cant work. I have not
    received a return messsage and would like to hear from u. Tk u B Call

  4. Mandi

    Liam, i love your advice! you’re articles are the best! Thanks so much for true & inspirational contributions! Blessings! 🙂

  5. steve

    Just like Liam said Jerromy, the choice lies in your heart, it also lies heavily upon YOUR spiritual, ethical and moral boundries. Myself, i am tethered to those boundries by chains of immeasurable tength, after 52 years l do not dillude myself into thinking those chains cannot be broken by a force stronger than me ( i think knowing that IS my source of strength ) but it ain’t happened yet and God willing it ain’t ever gonna happen. Search not only your heart for the right answer but rely on your soul for an answer – and try letting the big head do the thinking for the little head, Satan doesn’t really want you to do that but the old man ( ur creator/Lord says ” why in the hell do you think i gave you a brain ” I do not really know if he uses phrases like ” WHY IN THE HELL “, i kinda doubt that he does but i’m kinda putting words in his mouth and it has to bedone in my words for it to have the affect he wants [ we can call it ” a cosmic paraphrasal ” ] !

  6. Aida Bon

    Dear Liam, As always on sundays I look forward to your column. This dilemma is a world wide phenomenon especially since the bestseller “50 SHADES OF GREY” People want something but don’t dare to ask for it or even talk about it. Your advise to Jerromy is to do some serious soul searching, but where do you go for that? My advice is get a reading with you and listen very carefully what you say, it will change his life comepletly. Liam, I am patiently waiting for your published columns.
    Thank you for your wisdom. Aida Bon ( The Netherlands)


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