Jerromy from Akron, Ohio asks:
What does it mean when you’re in love with a girl, but you’re having a sexual relationship with another? Is it wrong?
Well, Jerromy, it’s problematic enough to prescribe notions of good and evil to pretty much any factor of our existence, let alone trying to do so with something as mystical and complicated as love and sex. Our deepest levels of erotic bonding shouldn’t be defined in such limiting terms. Our hearts and bodies and spirits are so complex and magnificent, how can anyone hope to contain them within the boundaries of such sanctimonious standards? Myth, legend, even history itself all give ancient warnings about indulging in such foolishness. We humans have an astounding capacity to experience love and sex on all sorts of levels. The first thing you have to do is actually understand your dilemma and dispense with notions of right or wrong.
You ask what it means when you are in love with one woman but have sex with another and essentially I hear you describing two different mating bonds, with different value placements and desire levels. Regardless of gender, humans aren’t generally hardwired for sexual monogamy. And if you don’t want to believe the cold hard scientific facts, then just take a look at the antics of your best friend or the next door neighbors—or yourself for that matter. Given the right set of circumstances most of us will succumb to temptation with relish however much we protest to the contrary. Still, let’s not be hasty and wave off your particular dalliance just yet.
What I was speaking of a moment ago pertains to natural proclivities and individual taste. By no means would I ever advise you to curb your natural desires. But personally, I don’t think you’re being realistic about your ability to maintain such a course over time. For some, the need for exploration and freedom is so profound that they bravely push into realms of absolute honesty with themselves and all their potential partners. They cultivate open relationships with no bull allowed. Others, enjoying the nectar of the forbidden and elements of risk, take to the shadows, leading delicious double lives.
But you don’t seem to fit into either category. You are neither free and honest, nor sophisticated and cunning. In fact, with all due respect, I’m not sure you even know what you want. You take no responsibility for your actions or their outcomes. A man who loves in the shadows must always be prepared for danger and a man of honesty must be ready to do something even more frightening and talk to his lover about his varying sexual needs. Search your heart, my friend. Something bothers you about this situation and I don’t think it has anything to do with morality or ethics. I think it has to do with your own sense of who you are and the very real potential for hurting a dear friend who puts a lot of trust in you. I advise you to do some serious soul-searching before you continue down this path. The truth, as always, lies within.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.