My husband tells me every day how much he loves me, and he shows me that love all the time. The problem is that we’ve been married for five months and everyone notices that he’s always staring at other women. I am embarrassed by this. He says he’s not aware of it. I’m so angry. I am a beautiful woman for my age. What do you suggest that I do?
I really enjoyed this question because I think this is a situation that can be easily remedied with a touch of understanding and a dollop of kindness. I feel your husband’s embarrassment here, and I’m going to ask you to tread lightly with him for a time. First and foremost, it is obvious to me that your husband is very smitten with you. There is no other woman he’d rather make love to, and he has no desire to stray from you at all.
Still, like all people, he is hardwired biologically to seek diversity in mating. It’s very simple what is happening here … His ‘reptilian’ brain is sending signals to him to scope for potential mates. It’s something we all do. You do it, too. The difference is that you are very discreet about it. Most people are. We all have our little gazing flirtations, in the market, at the library … Some people are highly visual in their inclinations … like your husband. He is also very taken with aesthetic qualities — he likes pretty things and pretty girls. This is very healthy and normal.
It does become a problem if his looking is attracting a lot of attention. I believe he is being very honest when he says he doesn’t notice what he’s doing — many guys don’t. It’s nature at work, just business as usual in the animal kingdom. For some people, discretion is a little harder to come by. I feel that your husband is a bit rough around the edges when it comes to a lot of social proprieties. He misses social cues and doesn’t always read people well. No matter, he makes up for it with his goodness and his honesty.
What you need to do is very simple. When you notice him staring at a pretty girl, give him a little tap on the hand, just to get his attention back on you. Don’t judge him or scold him. He feels awkward enough already. Later, if you want, ask him what he found appealing about the girl. Be nice about it — she’s no competition for you –.just be curious, and pay attention. After a time, as the two of you openly talk about what he is attracted to and why, I have a feeling he won’t be staring in such an obvious fashion anymore. He’s a good man, Angie. Don’t let a quirk or two bring you down.