I have been married for 12 long years now. Ever since we had the first sexual experience on our wedding night, things between us just started to decline. He has what I call an obsession with oral sex, which I do not share. I was brought up thinking that this type of sex is unnatural and offends God. He has not let go of this pursuit and it has tired me out. When we do have sex together, I have no emotional connection to him. It is just a physical “duty.” Whenever I allow him to perform oral sex to me to please him, he will either tell me I should not have allowed him to do it, or that I should reciprocate. I am no longer inclined to kiss him passionately or caress him other than to have him climax. He is a Virgo. Any advice?
Greetings, Nan. I sense a tremendous amount of confusion regarding this very delicate situation. And I can see that we actually have more than one very serious issue at work here. In studying your energy, I find that you are a woman of depth, someone who understands that what seem to be surface issues actually resonate on deeper levels of being.
We’re treading dangerous water here, but I feel we must address these difficulties quickly. First, I want to deal with your attitude regarding oral sex, and I need to do so in a way that transcends your marital issue for a moment. In some way, you already feel that what you’ve been taught about oral sex was perhaps a little misguided. In fact, I feel what you call being “taught” was actually more of an overall repression and abuse cycle which sadly took the form of religious education.
This abuse has left you emotionally hobbled with not just this notion of some divine edict against oral pleasure, but many other ingrained ideas about human nature as well. I would certainly encourage you to seek counseling to help you deal with the aftermath of such cruelty.
That being said, let’s address the issue of your marriage. Honestly, I see problems and difficulties here so ominous that I seriously doubt there’s much more you can do but seek a good divorce lawyer. You’ve no real passion for this man and that is the real problem with your marriage. A woman who has true passion for her partner, will do anything for his pleasure. And I mean, anything. Good girls, moral girls, sweet girls, become ravishing devotees of carnal desire when they really “have it” for a particular man. Lucky are those men — lucky and happy. Oral sex is really about acceptance. When you perform this on your mate, or they to you, it is the ultimate form of devouring, consuming, and accepting that person and their body. To despise and deny this pleasure, is to deny and despise the other person.
You never really desired your husband and he knows it. You are not in love with him.Let him go find someone who is in love with him. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will be more to your own liking. Someone more patient and understanding.
I understand your husband’s desire and intent, but knowing your background, he really should have attempted more sensitivity. But he didn’t and he won’t because, just as you’ve no real regard for him, he has very little for you and this whole thing has just become a frantic contest of wills with a great deal of emotional damage being inflicted on both sides. I feel you have very few options.
On one hand, you can go forth, get help, and focus on healing yourself while leaving this marriage in the scrapheap. In time, you may very well find the man who stokes your fires and be emotionally prepared for him. Or you can choose not to get help and cling to your conditioned system of thought. That is entirely your right, and no one can judge this decision. But if that’s your choice then I encourage you to find a partner who is very conservative with a very low sex drive. There are many men of this sort out there who are fearful of women more sexually aggressive than you are. Finding one would not be difficult.
Whichever way you go, take care of yourself.