Sex Q&A: Friend, Lover, or None of the Above

Dave asks:

I’ve known a lady for almost six years. We seemed to hit it off in the beginning. She got pregnant by someone else. While she was pregnant, I would go over every day, get her food, and help around the house – she was so depressed. She hid her pregnancy from her parents, because she was embarrassed. After she had her child, the father wanted nothing to do with the baby (a boy) or her, nor did her parents. I would go over to her place to help her out everyday feeding him, changing his diapers, and taking care of her. I love her, but I feel it’s one sided, and maybe that’s all it will be. Do you see her coming around to wanting to be with me? Thank you.

Liam’s Response:

Thank you, Dave. This seems to be a very troublesome affair, one that has caused you an enormous amount of distress. In looking at it, I feel I’m going to have to ask you to be honest with yourself on some very deep levels as we proceed. You’re a man of intelligence and I know you seek sincerity, so I think you can handle facing some of the uncomfortable things my answer might reveal to you. In a recent article, I addressed the subject of men being categorized as “just a friend” by women in who they have a romantic interest. Through no fault of their own, these men find themselves befriended by women who see them as a sort of a best friend or big brother. Such a man stands no chance of ever getting into that particular lady’s bed. Nor is he likely to ever be considered as a potential long-term partner. As I said then, women make this decision on an instinctive level within a short time of meeting a man, and you’d be shocked at who gets placed there. If you’re unlucky enough to be pigeonholed into the “just friends” category, I’m afraid there’s very little that can be done to turn the tide. That’s not to say that every guy who becomes best friends with a girl can’t conquer that maiden’s resolve. However, managing it requires that she harbors at least some sexual vibration for him, however slight. If no small spark of sexual curiosity about him exists within her, then the effort is futile. Some things just can’t be conjured by effort alone. Early on this girl saw you as nice, kind, gentle, and sweet. All very good attributes to be sure, but they did not translate into an itch to be close to you. In others words, this woman isn’t attracted to you at all. Not even a smidgen. If we had a smidgen, we’d have something to work with – but she’s not.

Now, generally my advice at this point would simply be for you to cut your losses and move on. If I did that what I’m most concerned about in your query would not be addressed, so I feel I must elaborate. What really concerns me is the judgmental attitude you have toward this woman. I sense that since you have been so good to her, and since she has so many personal problems, you feel justified in demanding her affections. You talk about her pregnancy, how embarrassed she was, and how she couldn’t bear to tell her family. In revealing what you deem to be her bad choices and amoral behavior, you feel you bring her down a few notches – thereby elevating yourself. This way she’s on the lower level, and when she rejects your advances, you can soothe your wounds with how too good for her you really are. You say what a terrible fellow her one night lover is, contrasting his bad behavior with yourself and all your fine qualities – your care-giving with his wicked nature. This was all done in an effort to build a case of your entitlement to her affections. Why do you feel you need to do this? Why are you interested in building a relationship with a woman who is so troubled? Do you see her as easy prey? Is it that upon finding that she is not, are you now eager to illustrate her flaws in order to highlight all of your virtues?

None of this is meant to be insulting. I simply want you to take a long, careful look at your motives and think seriously about moving onto someone who will actually appreciate all you have to offer. Someone you can feel comfortable sitting next to you on the same level. Someone more settled and suited to your lifestyle the way this young lady never was or will be. You’ll both be much happier for it.


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3 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Friend, Lover, or None of the Above

  1. Dm Gibson

    you have to ask as well. you said in the beginning of the letter to the end. friends. and im on tagged.. many there as well say friends. well if you are a friend you are there as a FRIEND!! why do men not get that. you dont have romantic nor sexual thoughts of a friend.yet these friends flirt and talk and send sexual things??? sorry aint a friend. and if your married–send them to your wife (( and or husband women do the same i suppose) did you do things because you cared? you cant make a heart feel something it wont. she was hurt and probably finds it extremely difficult to trust. seeing you were her only friend. noone can answwr your question ask yourself and be honest were you in this as a friend?? if so you should remain friends. if you in this for something you wanted to get out of it more?? you werent honest to yourself and not to her either.
    i was in a relationship ir two.. he claims that we are together. really?? seeing him when it is HIS convience is NOT together. and we will never be .. many times men say well i did this for you???? did you?? or is there some motive behind it?? and if its for US why do you not do things how we ask them.. soory my opinion
    im tired of the friend factor with the edge of sexuality

  2. sesinuk

    Hi Liam. Greetings from Glastonbury, England. I always enjoy reading your articles, they are always gritty and to the point. But have to disagree on this one. You may of course have edited the questioner’s letter, but I think your assessment of this situation – as presented here – may not be the full picture. A woman bringing up a child alone, abandoned for whatever reasons by her baby’s father and parents, will create tensions in any relationship. The questioner’s support of this woman is admirable, I don’t know many men who would do that. It’s quite clear he loves her. I myself am in a relationship with a man who I didn’t fancy on a physical level at all, but over time I have fallen in love with his wonderful qualities and he has become my friend, my companion, and my lover. My gut feeling on reading your reply was that the woman in question isn’t even aware of her feelings, she is so wound up with the day to day worries of bringing up a child alone, and this kind of exhaustion is not good for the libido! Post natal depression can last for years untreated. Perhaps he needs to tell her how he feels. Blessed be.


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