Sex Q&A: Should I be a Friend, Not a Soulmate

Many people struggle constantly with the status of their relationship or their role in one. Liam examines this issue as well as what we really should expect in people.

It’s All About Control

Chelley from Modesto, California asks:

Hi, WOW, I just came across your blog. I must say I have a huge amount of respect for you. Calling a spade a spade is a lost art nowadays.

Okay, here’s my situation. It would be drawn out to expound on everything, though I would love to talk with you but I am currently less than poor…. I have found my soulmate. He is only here this time because I had to be. He has no mission, but he is going through something, and as a result, he is fighting us. And I am not sure what it is, or why I can’t control it, but whatever it is, it’s affecting him. He is worried he can’t keep fighting it. Does that make sense to you? I’m desperate for guidance. If you need guidance in your relationship and would like a spiritual examination of it, talk to one of our psychics today.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Chelley. First, I’d like to suggest you take some time to peruse our archives here in reference to some of my past work regarding this nonsensical business of soulmates and spirit contracts. These delusional concepts, fostered and fed by a myriad of marketing strategists, is a degradation to the natural process and totally contrary to any valid school of mystical thought. Indeed, your inquiry stands as an excellent example of exactly what is problematic about these beliefs. Now, I don’t doubt that you’ve expended a great deal of time and energy in your quest to understand this man and your connection to him. You’ve consulted experts, read books and maybe even listened to some errant internal voices you like to think of as special “guides.” But the fact is you, Chelley, are all about control.

Your desire for this man is a total ego trip. You want him. You want him entirely. So much so, that you’ve invented this mad fiction to explain why he MUST be yours. He has no choice, it’s his destiny, and he will no doubt be punished if he fails to fulfill it. You even go so far as to say he has no mission, no purpose, but to be with you. Are you listening to yourself? You have no right to claim to know what another person’s spiritual potential in life is. And this universe is not some pie-in-the-sky playground where you get to gather up all your heart’s desires like chocolate Easter eggs.

This man is fighting you because he senses you’re a control freak. Even if he pretends to accept your ego-maniacal notions in order to sleep with you, or stop your arguing, believe me, he’s well aware that you’re concocting ridiculous spiritual reasons why he can’t have a will of his own and he doesn’t want any part of it. This soulmate thing is like ‘boyfriend in a box’ for the terminally paranoid. It lends a comforting sense of spiritually mandated permanence when the ugly truth is, this world is hard. This world is savage and this world is cruel. No spirit guide, no angel, no bibbity-bobbity-boo fairy godmother is going to grant you lasting happiness or peace. You cling to these desperate fictions because you want to hide from the grimness that is our reality. But by doing so, you remove yourself from the wild vitality that is both the danger and the beauty of our existence. Yes, real life sucks a lot of the time. But it’s the only place to find real passion. And if you still want my advice for dealing with this man, then I say try being his friend, not his soulmate, not his whip-wielding mistress or queen. Be his friend—just a good friend in a great, big, crazy, chaotic, random, computational, emergent reality. It’s a simple thing, and one we so rarely find.


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