I really enjoy reading your column. You’re so caring and compassionate but also straightforward. I really hope you get this and can help me — I’m really desperate for some answers! I live with my ex-husband, but realized four years ago I still have intense feelings for my ex-boyfriend (M). I dated him for a couple of months before getting back with my ex-husband… I really need to know if he has any feelings for me or what he does feel at all or me. I’m not a teenager with a crush, I’m a grown adult, but I feel like I’m still back in high school whenever I see him. He asked our mutual friend if I still loved him… I wish I knew what he’s feeling. He’s married and I respect that and wouldn’t want to have an affair. Please help me anyway you can.
Thank you so much for your time,
You come through as so unhappy. I’m very sorry for
I don’t know if it’s going to help
you or hurt you to know that your ex boyfriend does still care about you. You having this knowledge may bring you
a level of comfort, but it is also a bit dangerous for you to have, due to your
current emotional state. I don’t
want to send you off into a realm of fantasy and regret that brings you even
more unhappiness and confusion.
Simply put, though having an affair
with your ex-boyfriend is definitely in the realm of possibility, please don’t
go down that path. Some affairs
change situations and bring joy and freedom to all who are involved, but that is
not the case with you and your situation.
You have enough pain and torment.
Don’t invite more.
At this time, your ex-boyfriend
needs to continue on his path with his marriage. Eventually that relationship will end in
divorce, but not for a few more years.
You will have your opportunity with him at that time, which fares far
better than anything you can have with him now.
In light of that, I strongly advise
you to take this time to figure out who you are and how you want your future to
unfold. It seems like you’ve lost
yourself, and are just floating along to wherever the current carries
The life you’re living with your
ex-husband seems safe, yet extremely stagnant and unfulfilling. This can continue on as long as you
choose to let it. If you are
unwilling or unable to make this situation better than what it is now, you may
want to think about letting it go.
You don’t have to decide what to do about this relationship today, but it
is a decision that eventually you will have to make.
In the meantime, try and remove the
“love and lack thereof” equation from your life for at least an hour a
day. When you obsess, you block any
chance of finding clarity and conclusions.
Take that hour to step outside of yourself and find fulfillment,
something that is just for you. Set
a few goals for yourself that benefit no one but yourself, and make steps to
achieve them. By creating some
momentum and direction for yourself, you will be able to quit floating along in
your existence, step onto solid ground, and come back into the realm of actually
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