Red Responds: He’s Been Keeping Them Apart

Kori in New Jersey writes:

I’ve been in love with Shamus for 22 years. We were separated for 17 of those years, and we found each other again about a year and a half ago. We’ve reconnected, but it seems that everything he’s gone through while we were apart was so traumatic that he needs time to heal himself before we even continue to have a friendship – let alone anything else.

We’re separated by 60 miles, yet it feels like we’re oceans apart. I’ve helped him both emotionally and financially since we’ve reconnected. It’s extremely frustrating – being in love with him after all of these years, trusting and hoping that he would come around. I’ve been waiting patiently for the moment that he has an epiphany and realizes he’s been keeping us apart all these years – as well as now. All he has to do is say the word, and I’ll leave my current life behind to be with him. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait – or, honestly, if I should.

The few times we’ve seen each other over the past year and a half have been the most fulfilling hours of my life. When I look into his eyes I see my past, my present and my future. I like what I see, but what if what I see is wrong? What if what I see and feel are a figment of my imagination, and not reality – or even a possibility?

I’ve loved him too long to be objective, or even reasonable. No request from him is too great. I’ll walk the line without even thinking (which is not me, normally) and that frightens me. I just need to know whether my love and emotional support are being misappropriated – or has my time and investment in him been worthwhile? Will we ever find our way back to each other? If so, when?

Dear Kori,

Your intuition is leading you into the realm of “what should be.” What should be, could be – but it is still a test, and a challenge of time.

Your Shamus pops up with that unmistakable soul-type connection, but he is also a very frightened and damaged man. While it is not his intention to mislead you, he does recognize that you are willing to move mountains for him – and he uses your generous heart to his advantage. He has quite a bit of healing to do before he comes to that epiphany you hoped would occur someday. You can expect things to go on as they have been for roughly another two years before Shamus is ready to embrace your love, and accept this level of change.

I can sense how in love and helpless you feel when it comes to this man. I also feel how tired, scared and stuck he is. This doesn’t make for the easiest combination, because it is overwhelmingly limiting right now.

I know you don’t want to let go, but you should consider holding on less actively. At this point Shamus does not see himself as being capable of giving you what you want or need. In time, his views will change – but until then, things are going to remain the same.

I don’t see you cutting him out of your life completely, but I do see you talking to him about possibilities and boundaries. Listen to what he has to say, and make your decisions based on his words – not your desires. You are entering into a painful process, but no more painful than the limbo in which you have been living. Do what you can to find the balance between what you yearn for and what you can have. Sometimes that is all you can do. Sometimes, taking a step back is the only way to get things to move forward.

I’m sorry, Kori. Shamus may be your perfect match, but it is going to be quite some time before he’s ready to be your partner and mate.

Good luck,
Ext. 9226

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