Stevie in Vancouver writes:
I have been asking my Spirit Guides for their help in my acceptance of a broken relationship with a family member. I have read numerous articles (on this site alone), related to acceptance and healing, and I am working hard to incorporate many of the offered suggestions.
The problem I have is seeing the truths of what really happened between us to cause such a painful parting of the ways. This clouds my progress and I am wondering if you have any insights you are able to share with me. He claims he did not want an estrangement, yet his negative behaviour toward me said otherwise. I could better accept what happened if I could get past his deception and my confusion in all this.
I strongly suspect there is (or was) a third party lurking in the wings and he wished to distance me from this knowledge – but why is he so angry with me?
I know this has been an emotional and traumatic series of events for you, but your quest to find out all the intricacies of this relationship and its demise isn’t going to bring you peace, it will only raise more questions. For every truth you can validate, another “why?” is going to pop up. Under the current energy patterns, your search for deeper understanding isn’t the path to acceptance, it is the door left open for the entry of confusion and pain. This is the message your spirit guides have been trying to get through to you, but, because it isn’t the answer you want, you are over-thinking things and adding to your own confusion.
The anger you are feeling from him is only partly directed at you, but much of it is a transference of the anger he has at himself, compounded by more than a little guilt from not being able to completely embrace and accept you as you are. Even though he didn’t want the estrangement, he knows that he has caused it. You know him and his personality well enough to understand that he isn’t always real big on taking personal responsibility. If he were to come clean and take responsibility for his behavior and actions, it wouldn’t heal the rift or help you understand why things went the way they did. If anything, his explanations would only serve to cause you more pain. Even though a large part of you is feeling quite victimized, you don’t have to think like a victim. Stop looking for plausible reasons and logical causes, because there really aren’t any. Even if there were, knowing them isn’t going to change what is in the here and now.
Everything about this relationship and its end revolves around an emotional core. Emotions and feelings are neither tangible or logical by their very nature, although they do fluctuate and change through positive or negative experiences. You two are very different people, each of you quite stubborn in your own way. Throughout this relationship there have been repeat incidents of lack of understanding and compromise, and by neither of you adjusting to be more accommodating to the other, each of you suppressed information and emotions, and the relationship shifted from honesty and interaction to deception and estrangement.
Acceptance is a huge part of healing, Stevie, but it doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with understanding. You don’t have to understand the intricacies of how a microwave oven works to accept that it warms the food you place inside, and you don’t need to comprehend the mathematics of gravity to trust that you aren’t going to float out of your shoes – but yet you can accept the invisible microwaves will produce a hot meal, and that there is no need to tether yourself to the floor. While this may seem more than a bit abstract, the same principles apply.
What I’m trying to say is that you will never know every fact and detail about what happened to your relationship or why, but what you do know is that you were badly treated, hurt, and then essentially left behind. Those are the truths you need to accept, whether or not you find clarity or a deeper understanding. Stop looking back in hopes of finding answers, and focus more on simply accepting things as they are now. That act of unsubstantiated belief is how you will find the strength to give yourself permission to move forward and heal.