Juana in San Jose writes:
I have been dating a guy, Mark, for three years. Recently I told him
that I’m no longer happy with our casual relationship – and that I want
something more serious. I see him once every three months or so for a
couple of hours, and then I don’t hear from him again until three
I told him that I was hurt with him and his response was that I hurt him when I moved. I had to move because of some serious family issues, and I moved like an hour and a half away. He knew I was moving – and where I was moving to – and yet he didn’t tell me that he didn’t like the fact that I was moving so far away. And it’s not like I can’t go and see him – I commute to work every day, and the office is five minutes from his house – but he doesn’t invite me over. All he does is make excuses as to why we can’t see each other until he’s ready. I’m tired of him turning hot and cold like a faucet – once I leave his side it’s “out of sight, out of mind.” What can I do?
When you made the decision to move in order to deal with your family issues, your boyfriend didn’t really consider it to be that big of a deal at that time. He chose not to say anything, because he assumed that the distance was an issue that the two of you could work around and overcome. However, after you moved, he adjusted rather quickly to your absence.
As both of you are fairly independent people, neither one of you was in too big of a hurry to escalate your relationship prior to your relocation. Since your move, Mark made the conscious decision to allow this relationship to fade away. Truly, the only thing that has been keeping it together has been you. There is very little attempt or effort showing on his side of this equation. He only chooses to see you when he is in the mood, and when it is convenient for him. He really isn’t running hot and cold – it’s more along the lines of tepid to freezing. You really don’t fit into his life any more, and he doesn’t have any intentions of making you – or this relationship – more of a priority.
Mark isn’t prepared for or truly interested in taking this relationship to the next level – he just doesn’t have the guts to tell you so. I’m sorry, Juana, but holding on to him and the idea of this relationship is holding you back from finding someone who truly wants to be with you. As painful as it may be, you really should consider letting this relationship go.