Gretchen in Fort Washington writes:
I am so tired of love. I am a person who loves to love and I always seem to get taken for granted or manipulated… I feel like I am done with men for good – which contradicts my desire for more children some day. I was engaged once, and he chose another girl over me – so I left home for the military.
Then I had a one-night-stand and got pregnant with my daughter, and had to marry if my parents were going to have anything to do with me – we had a son. I finally divorced him. And through my ex I finally feel like I met my soulmate. We became friends and he knows my ex from his childhood so he was there for me through the divorce. We ended up being physically involved, but stopped because of my emotional mess that I have had to work through.
Do I still stand a chance to be with him? I care for this man so deeply, but I don’t know how to get in again or near him – after I have grown some more and gotten over my divorce. I am passionate about having him in my life – I just want more… Or should I give up on love and passion altogether?
I know things have been difficult and confusing for you. Love surely does have a way of screwing with a person’s head, not to mention their heart. While I’m not going to say that you should throw in the towel when it comes to love, I am going to point out that you need to slow down!
You are very much in love with the idea of being in love. While there isn’t anything wrong with that, you need to understand that your loving and passionate nature encourages you to get involved too deeply, too quickly. Be consciously aware of this personality trait, or you will keep putting yourself in situations that are invitations to pain and confusion.
The man you care about does not present as your soulmate. The two of you came together during a very confusing time for you, and you were exceptionally vulnerable. You are still pretty vulnerable. While the relationship you shared was real, it wasn’t meant to last. You aren’t in a place of balance, and that is going to complicate any romantic relationship you try to develop right now.
You are in too big of a hurry to find a love that is going to make everything “all right.” That love does exist, but it starts within you… not who you are with. Take this time to learn to love and forgive yourself. When it comes to relationships, you tend to surrender yourself – and your power. It’s a pattern that you need to recognize. A little counseling wouldn’t hurt you in learning how to recognize these patterns, and would definitely help you to release much of the emotional baggage you are so tightly holding on to.
Now is not the time to try to reconnect with your friend or rekindle that romance – it will only bring you more pain. Put your loving energy and focus where it will do you the most good – into yourself. Love will not remain elusive to you or your life, but right now it does seem as if you will heal more quickly if you continue working through your issues without the complications of a romantic relationship.
Use this time to your advantage. The love of your life is not in your past – but in your future. When you are strong enough to handle a healthy relationship, it isn’t your love of love that unites the two of you, it’s him loving you and you loving him in honesty and trust.