Red Responds: He Still Has Her Heart

Maria in Napa writes:

I’ve been in a ten year marriage with a guy named Ryan and I love him dearly. The problem is that we are separated at the time. He left and started seeing someone else. It’s been months and I’ve tried moving on but I find that he still truly has my heart. He has told me on several occasions that he’s made the wrong choice and he still loves me, however, every time that he’s tried to return, the other woman threatens with suicide. I’ve been told by good psychics that he will return to me but I feel so doubtful at times. I feel that this man and I will be connected for life. Could you let me know the outcome of it all?

Dear Maria,

I also see that your Ryan will come home and work things out with you, but he is permitting his other woman to make things quite complicated.

Ryan feels as if he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He honestly believes that this other woman is sincere with her suicidal threats, and I’m not sure that he’s wrong. The problem is that he hasn’t figured out how to address this issue directly – which would be to get her the professional help that she needs. All he can see is the drama that occurs any time he tries to break away, and that drama keeps him still.

This man does love you, but he is also somewhat taking advantage of you, as well. Because of your history and his belief that you will be there for him once he figures out how to handle his current domestic situation, he isn’t putting all his energy into extricating himself from his current relationship. Instead, he is trying to be the good guy by waiting for an easy exit opportunity. While that option will eventually present itself, it seems like it is months away. You can continue to wait, or you can try and press the issue. I don’t know if there is anything you can do to drastically expedite the timeline, but you can possibly help him to see that he is only as trapped as he allows himself to be.

Since his current relationship is heavily based on codependency and manipulations, you may want to encourage him to play along with her fragile psyche by suggesting that the two of them enroll in counseling. While there is a small risk that he will once again see the positives of this woman and that relationship, there really isn’t enough between the two of them to keep them together. He isn’t in love with her. But, a therapist can help him to navigate her threats, and help her to come to terms with the ending of this relationship in a healthy manner.

Of course, a more harsh but equally effective maneuver would be for him to sincerely get everything together to leave, and have the police deal with her when she threatens to take her life. I don’t see him wanting things to become this extreme, though.

Whether you are actively waiting for him or not, Ryan will come back this fall and try and win you over for good. But, the more time you give him, the more time he takes. While I’m not suggesting that you should give him an ultimatum, I do want to encourage you to be upfront and honest with him about your feelings, including what you are willing to or not to do to heal your marriage. Be nicely firm but clear when you outline your expectations of him.

Things are going to work out for you. With a little bit of effort from both of you, your relationship can actually be better and stronger than it was before.

Good Luck!

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