Red Responds: She Caught Him

Laurie in Cheyenne writes:

A couple of months ago my husband’s ex-girlfriend from college decided to call the house. I, of course, gave my husband the number. Well, now I totally regret it. It started out very innocent, I think, but it led to many phone calls, emails and text messages. She even sent him a picture of herself naked!

I confronted my husband about it, but he denied anything was going on until I told him I saw the emails. This continued for about a month until I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I confronted her on the phone and him as well. I threw my wedding ring at him and told him I was done. He told me it would stop and it was over. It has been several months now, but I am curious if you think it is still going on? I have been watching his email, put a keylogger on his computer and have been monitoring the cell phone bill.

Am I obsessed? I have not seen anything, so I am hoping it is over. We are trying to have another baby right now, but have mixed feelings about the past. Is it really done? I don’t want to venture on with another baby unless I know it is done and we can move on from this. Help!

Dear Laurie,


It looks like your husband is being true to his word and refraining from any contact with his ex. So, in that way, it is over. Where it gets a little more complicated is that he still thinks about this woman and misses the interactions he was having with her. In time, this too will fade, but you are picking up on it – which is why you still are suspicious.


It would be very wise if you and your husband took this time to strengthen and improve your communications and marriage, rather than focus on enlarging your family. While babies do tend to bring people together, they really aren’t the answer when there are issues. I would suggest that the two of you work with a counselor for a couple of months, in order to work through some of the lingering and repressed issues that circle your marriage. While you don’t have a “bad” marriage, there is room for improvement.


Your husband does love you, and you him. I don’t see divorce or anything like that for the two of you, but I do see that there is a level of complacency in the marriage and relationship that doesn’t have to exist. The two of you can move on from the past if you do nothing, but this is an excellent opportunity to create a happier, stronger and more loving future that comes from working toward that goal, rather than just letting past indiscretions fade.


It is going to take time before you can completely trust him again. It is going to take work for him to regain your trust. Sometimes, the most hurtful events are the clearest wake-up calls, as is the case with you and your husband. Working on the marriage will not only serve both of you well, but also creates a more loving environment for the baby that will eventually come.

Good luck!
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