Red Responds: She Realized She Wants Stability

Dear Red,

I consider myself a strong person, but I’ve found myself in a corner not knowing where to go. I had been in a six-year, long-distance relationship with the person who cared about me, loved me and did everything to please me. I was taking it for granted, always taking and not giving anything back. Any time a question of marriage would come up, I was running away, not able to decide on what to do. I cared about him in my own way, but I was missing butterflies in the stomach and the fireworks of strong emotions. So, I decided that it was not fair to keep him by my side as a safety net, and I let him go.

Soon after that a new person came into my life and brought everything — butterflies, strong emotions and strong attraction, along with tears, sleepless nights, misunderstanding and endless phone conversations that would lead nowhere. I had such strong feelings to him, almost to a point of self-destruction. I would have done anything to be with this person. He seemed to have had feelings for me even, though he never talked about it, but I felt that he was running away from his feelings, scared to be hurt in a relationship. He left because he could not handle this relationship at that time. He left to come back in three months to offer me … a friendship.

I first accepted it, but physical and emotional attachment is so strong, I cannot call this relationship “friendship” in my mind. It’s hard for me to see him only occasionally. He never has time for anything serious to develop. I came to a point when I decided I need to get him out of my mind; I need to be strong again, and free myself from this dependency. I need to reconcile with the worst — he is not the person for me — and move on. I am completely exhausted from this emotional rollercoaster.

In the middle of my internal struggle, I started thinking about the person I left and the emotional pain that I caused him. I realized that stability, respect for each other, common interests, trips that we shared together were important. I want stability, I want somebody who cares about me and who is always there for me. I am ready to get back with him. But he is now involved with another person. Should I try to get him back? He seems like the best person I can be with.


Torn apart,
Julia in Colorado


Dear Julia,


Being the incredibly strong and smart person that you are, I’m a bit surprised that you’re missing the point in these life lessons.


The point is, you can have both; the butterflies and passion, the strength and stability. These aspects aren’t confined to either/or terms in a relationship.


For all those years, you couldn’t bring yourself to marry this one man. Being true to yourself does have its own rewards, because he is not the man you are supposed to marry. To try and get him back will only cause him more pain, and you more confusion. It is within your power to reconnect with him, but even if you do, I still don’t see you marrying him. You are not a selfish or cruel woman; leave him be.


You have great clarity about both of these relationships. You’ve learned a lot through them. Now it is time for you to be alone and heal. What you are facing is a period of loneliness, which is why you are considering going back to your ex. I suggest that you embrace this time, because after you are passionately in love and find yourself married in a stable and trusting relationship, as good as it is (and it will be) you will have moments where you wish you could be alone!


Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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