Red Responds: She Wants to Know if the Man She’s Having an Affair With Loves Her

Anonymous writes:


I am currently in a relationship that began very quickly and moved so fast that I couldn’t believe it was happening. This is a man that I feel loves me more than you would love someone casually. When it began, we both decided that we did not want to interrupt our home lives. I don’t think he has a life of his own at home and I’ve separated from my husband. I’m moving forward with my plan to divorce, regardless. I really see this man in my future and want to keep him in my life. He has not divulged his feelings to me, but I believe he is carrying a flaming red torch for me and wants to be with me. It has been about 3 years since we began this secret affair, and at this point I cannot imagine life without him. He is fun, loving, and so sweet to me that I really want to keep him in my life. But that means that changes will have to come about. Am I headed down the right path? Is he someone that would be unfaithful to me since he is unfaithful to his wife? I feel that we have a very deep connection. Is this worth pursuing?

Dear Anonymous,

The man you are having an affair with does love you, even if he isn’t ready to speak the words. You feel it, and he shows you, even though there are some significant limitations in place.

You are ready to move forward in your life, and have made changes and taken steps to be free and to create a happier future. Your boyfriend isn’t ready to follow in your footsteps just yet. His choices aren’t a reflection of his feelings for you — he just isn’t ready or prepared for that level of change. This is something you must come to terms with, or it will start to overshadow the relationship you share.

I’m not saying that he will never wrap up his business with his wife — he will. But, he is going to do so when it feels right to him, and not a moment before. You made your choices and decisions according to your needs and will, and without promises from him. Your life has changed, and is still changing, but your relationship with this man isn’t quite as progressive. What you face is a choice:

You can continue to nurture this relationship and keep him in your life by accepting the present circumstances and restrictions, or you can let him go. What you shouldn’t do is plan your future around his eventual divorce, because I don’t see any movement in that direction for over a year. If you focus on his “not leaving,” and define his love for you by his inactivity, your frustration will build, and you are likely to throw in the towel and walk away.

This man of yours is not a habitual cheater any more than you are. In a happy and healthy relationship, which he does not have with his wife, he is as loyal as a puppy. However, after a couple of years of loneliness and misery, he is inclined to fill that void by stepping outside of a committed relationship, as he has done with you.

You are on the right path in terms of your needing to bring an end to your marriage and taking control of your life. Your boyfriend was, and is, a part of that process for you. The relationship you have with this man and the love that each of you has for one another brightly indicates that this relationship is worth pursuing. But things aren’t necessarily going to evolve the way you would like them to, or as quickly as you’d like them to, and that presents as a glaring challenge. If you can find happiness in this relationship with all of its current limitations, then stick with it. But, if you want a more traditional relationship that can become open and cohesive within the next couple of years, then you should seek a man who is already available, in order to meet your needs and expectations.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *