Red Responds: Should She Tell Her Family and Her Fiance About Her Lesbian Affair?

Setayesh in Iran writes:

I am a 25-year-old Muslim girl and a recent graduate from medical school. Two years ago I had a lesbian affair. The question is how should I tell my fiancé and family that I’ve had a homosexual affair? Is it better not to say? Is it possible that I’m a lesbian or bisexual? Should I marry him or not?

Dear Setayesh,

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You have several decisions to make, and no matter what you decide, every choice comes with consequences.

It is very probable that you are bisexual. This isn’t a bad thing, nor is it unnatural, however, it can be problematic to your life because you want to do the “right” things – even though you are not sure what that means.

You are facing some big challenges, and unfortunately, facing them alone. Living with secrets can be very hard. I strongly want to encourage you to seek counseling before you make any decision. With a little help and guidance, you can sort through all these issues and gain strength to make the decisions that are best for you, and prepare for the consequences.

If you choose to tell your family, I don’t see them reacting well to the news. Rather than be supportive of you for who you are, it seems as if you will become a bit of an outcast.

If you choose to tell your fiancé, your relationship with him will go through a rough spot, but he will look at this as more of a phase. He will have the attitude that your attraction and desire for female intimacy is something that will go away. Furthermore, if you follow through and marry him, he will demand that you be faithful to him and your vows. Unless you feel that you can be faithful to your future husband, and suppress your desires to have intimate relations with women, then you probably shouldn’t marry him. It is much easier to re-plan a wedding than it is to work through a divorce.

This is your life, and you have a right to be happy. The hard part is, figuring out exactly what happiness means to you.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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