Red Responds: He Lets Fear and Anger Run Him

Dear Red,

I have been married for nearly 5 years and have helped and supported my husband financially through many difficult legal and financial challenges. I have also had the privilege of being stepmom to his wonderful son.

On a personality level, my husband can be very sweet but he is also quick-tempered and lets fear and anger run him frequently. This tendency has required tremendous patience on my part, and he has worked on this, but not enough from my perspective. My patience has worn very thin.

In addition, my husband has always promised that he would pay me back for the extraordinary expenses related to his custody battle for his son and his challenges in starting his business. He has also always been aware that at some point, he would inherit money from his parents but we had no idea when that would be.

In the past year, both of his parents died of cancer. Apparently, his inheritance has come through and in the past couple of months, he has made some extraordinary purchases. I asked him about paying down the large amount of debt he owes me, and he told me I had to prove (to him) that he owes me money.

I was astonished and deeply disturbed by this. I partnered with him in his trauma and challenges, but it seems he has not truly partnered with me. I have at times sought psychic and intuitive input, and the message has been that yes, he is challenging, but he is worth the investment — that he will come through and grow as a person.

I am now seriously questioning if he is worth all of this and am exploring my options in regards to divorce.

I would appreciate your input and “hit” on this situation.

Should I stay and work it out with him, or cut my losses and move on?

Many Thanks!

Dear Valerie,

It seems as if your husband is a very challenging man to be with. The thing of it is, you know that somewhere in him is an awesome person.

Looking at your situation strictly from an emotional perspective, I’d have to agree that you can stay married to him and have happiness. Broadening the perspective a bit, his character is not going to completely change — he is, was, and will continue to be more than a little selfish and self-centered. It is a deeply carved characteristic of the man with whom you fell in love.

Your relationship with this man has never been balanced. You are a “giver” and he expects it. Though I can see this shifting a bit and him putting forth more effort over time, I’m not seeing a complete balance or equal partnership. For some people this is a huge red flag, but for you and your husband, it is completely workable.

You have invested a great deal of time and money for the sake of this man and the relationship. The time is gone, but the money … stay or go, you will recapture the monetary investment.

To make the marriage work, it is going to require more patience from you and some serious effort from him. It is an achievable goal. If you decide to move on and get a divorce, be prepared for the man to emotionally abuse you with a cunning mixture of guilt and indifference. The parting will not be easy on you, but you will come through and be uplifted on the wings of freedom.

Valerie, I can’t tell you what to do. You need to look into your heart for that answer. What I can tell you is either path leads you into a place of happiness, well-being, and security.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

Not sure if your relationship is right? Ask Red!

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