Lynn in Reno writes:
Three years ago, I moved from Florida to Nevada with my husband because of a better job situation for him. Within two years it was evident this job wasn’t working out for him, so he took a great job with the same agency in another state, which involves weekly travel to other states, returning to his apartment on weekends. In the meantime, I was hired on by the same agency the same year we arrived with promotions every year, which is the reason I stayed put.
Our spoken common goal is sticking with our individual careers since retirement is fairly close at hand, as he will be 50 in June (Gemini) and I am 59 (Aries). I have three years to go and he has five or six. Yet another time factor is that we have until Sept 2008 to have all our household goods moved at company expense up to where he is, where we would once again live under one roof. He moved 8 months ago and I am finding that living alone with his weekend visits every 2-3 weeks is not working well for me emotionally. He claims to be missing me as well. What do you sense in this situation? Are his intentions true to our spoken goal? I am having a love/hate relationship with my job, but there is talk of a possible promotion by Sept 2007. I would like guidance on whether I should stay or “throw in the towel” and make the move sooner?
It is hard being separated from the one you love, but you need to remember why the two of you chose this particular plan.
All of this hard work and suffering that each of you is going through was and is to create the stability and security to enjoy retirement. The goals, and all of the plans you jointly made, are still valid. If you “throw in the towel” now, you are going to have to adjust your future plans to encompass a slight monetary loss.
Your husband is missing you very much, and is completely faithful. However, he is more accepting of the current situation because he sees it as being temporary – a means to an end. Your marriage is strong enough to endure this time of separation, especially if you make the most of the time you do have to share with each other.
You have the strength to endure and stick with the plan. It won’t be fun, it won’t be easy, and you will struggle emotionally through the process. It is a significant sacrifice to reach a goal, but the goal is within reach.
You really need to talk with your husband, because he thinks the goal is worth the suffering but not to the point where it could cost him you. This is a decision that you must reach with him, because it does affect both of you. The future that lies ahead of you is the one that you create.
Talk with your man about how to improve the feelings of closeness under your current living arrangements. Pull on his strength, ask him to help you be okay with the situation, tell him what you are going through. There is no deadline as to when you can “throw in the towel,” that is an option that you can exercise at any time. Plans can change. But, once it is done, there is no turning back.
Ultimately, I see you moving before the end of the year. The two of you are truly in this together, and together you shall remain. Hopefully, that eases your mind, at least a bit. As for the best way for you to proceed, give it another month – just take things one day at a time.