I am still upset over the breakup with my boyfriend 3 months ago. We dated for 2 years and I was so certain he was “the one.” I’m very selective about who I let enter my world, and have trust issues from childhood, yet I believed in him. Now I am having trouble moving on. I know in my heart we can’t be together. We are from opposite backgrounds and different cultures. Yet there is intense passion — and not just physical, though that was great. There was a connection and a bond that I’ve never had in my 43 years of life. We could almost read each other’s minds. But his past baggage was more than I could handle. So now I try to meet new people through work, church, my son’s school, etc. but I never get that feeling of magic. I surely do not define myself by a relationship with a man; there is so much more to my life, but I’m lonely. How do you feel about this? I’m lost, Red.
– Dana in Daytona Beach
You are far from lost. Frustrated and hurting – yes, but not lost. The mere fact that you recognize you have so much more in your life than a relationship and that you are trying to move on screams of strength and intelligence. It is not a picture of a lost woman.
You took a chance on a relationship that presented with obstacles from the word go. Although things may have not turned out perfectly, you followed your heart and had two years of blessings, trials, and challenges. You shared a love and a connection with your ex that was powerful, wonderful, and painful. In addition, for that period of your life, this man was “the one” for you. Without him and your shared experiences, you would still be unaware that a relationship could have that depth of power and emotion. You also would be unaware of how much strength and endurance you have inside of you.
You stated that you know in your heart that the two of you can’t be together, and you listed some of the reasons why. Again, not the words of one who is lost, but the words of one who is wise. It hurts, and it’s going to hurt. For two years you battled yourself, your ex, and the odds in an attempt to make things work. For two years, you succeeded. That’s a triumph, not a failure. You need to understand that.
Every relationship is different. Every connection is different. You were introduced to a whole new level of being with your ex. You are not going to find your ex-lover sans baggage and challenges hidden in the body of a different man. Eventually you will find a different man with different challenges and baggage you can handle — when you are ready to receive it. Nothing about you indicates that you will be alone and lonely for your life. However, as of right now, you are not finding that magical connection because you are still too full of the memories and feelings of the past.
You are moving on. You are trying to meet new people and get on with your life. This is a good thing, a healthy thing. You need to let go of the expectations of finding that magical “click” and live in the moment. Not every date needs to evolve into an affair, and not every affair is destined to be a lasting relationship. There is a huge difference between healing your heart and replacing the emptiness that you currently feel.
This is a lonely time for you, and lonely is hard. This time does present the opportunity for you to work on healing yourself and letting go of the pain of your past. It is something you need to work through and let go of, learn from, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
I can tell you that you are on the right track. It’s going to take time before you find the right guy and are in the right frame of mind, body, and spirit to recognize this. As you heal you will come back into a place of balance, and the loneliness you currently feel will fade. It is a personal process that can be measured by state of mind rather than the passage of time.
Please don’t give into loneliness and settle for a so-so relationship, because one will be presenting this fall. Enjoy the experience and benefits of it, because there are many, but don’t ignore the little nagging voice in your head that will question if this is “the one”. Enjoy it for what it is, but hold out for what you want.
There is love and magic ahead of you. If you have the strength of patience, you will find yourself in a relationship filled with fiery passion and a strong foundation that will stand the test of time.