Red Responds: Dreaming and Thinking of the Ex


I read your articles almost every morning, and I find that the advice you give is awesome!

Most of the time, my current guy and I get along really well, with a few blips here and there, but my real dilemma is that I’m still dreaming and thinking about my ex, which I find very unsettling.

We’ve been split up close to 6 years now. We’ll go months without speaking then all of a sudden one of us will contact the other. We’ll eventually meet up, then go on with our lives (never an easy thing for either of us, but that seems to be our pattern).

I thought that once I was in a new and healthy relationship and that I didn’t have any contact with my ex, it would start to fade and I’d be more content. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. It’s going on a year now since we last talked. In the past I’d think I was going crazy, then all of a sudden, he’d contact me and say the same thing — that he’d been going nuts thinking about me and just had to call.

Will this fade? Like a ex-smoker craving a smoke, if I just stick to my guns will it go away? Could you guide me in the right direction?

Thanks for you time,


Dear Jai,

You and your ex share a very strong connection; one bound by karma and several lifetimes of experiences together. It looks as if throughout this life your mind will be invaded by thoughts of him, and the pattern will continue. However, the frequency will eventually begin to subside.

While it may not be easy or ideal, the best thing you can do for yourself is to put conscious effort into retraining your mind. It will take time, effort, and more than a little practice.

Accept that your ex is a special part of your life, and even though you share a special bond, each of you is on your correct, although separate, path. The nature and intensity of your thoughts will eventually change, allowing you to feel more comfortable and less unsettled.

Worrying about the fact that you are moving on in your life and still thinking about your ex only serves to feed the bond; to keep that channel open. When uninvited thoughts come to you, wish the man well, take a deep breath, and mentally embrace the life and the reality that is now.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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